


Magic Mushrooms

by shadyhon



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Finance CEO Hyungwon, Hippie Minhyuk, HyungHyuk - Freeform, M/M, References to Drugs, Smut, cute hippie couple jookyun, magic mushrooms, side!kiho, some kind of soulmate au, they're madly in love you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2020-01-05 15:28:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 86,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18368837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadyhon/pseuds/shadyhon
Summary: How far would you go to feel alive? As far as the dark side of the moon?Hyungwon is a successful CEO, working in finance trying to compensate the emptiness inside his heart by destroying himself for success, money and flawless reputation. Perfection is everything before he meets Minhyuk, a hippie with a smile like the sunshine on a cloudy day, who changes his life completely.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I wanted to write this for quite some time now and it appears that I can not write anything without getting oppressive lol so welcome to another episode of a multi-chaptered rollercoaster ride with Hyunghyuk

A clear, cloudless blue sky was stretching out over him. Red and yellow leaves covered the ground and the path in the park Hyungwon was walking in. He enjoyed these little walks in the morning, drinking his coffee, just thinking about everything and nothing in particular. His life was stressful enough, meetings, clients, deadlines and his secretary remembering him every two seconds about his trip to Shanghai in two weeks. There were always updates, news, and messages on his work phone, so he barely had the time to take a nice deep breath, reminding himself that he was still a human being.  

 

Everything he needed was a little more peace in his life. Not that he hated his life like it was now, no, he liked his job and the benefits that came with it. He had worked hard for every promotion, to become the CEO of one of the biggest finance magazines in South Korea. He'd always liked math, numbers and reading about investments when he was only 16 years old. Besides he was extraordinarily skillful in handling money, making the money work for him instead of the other way around.

 

Since his father owned his own firm and was handling luxury real estate and his mother handled a luxury jewelry store, he had learned from a very young age how to handle things. How to read people, how to act and speak to sell the clients exactly what they needed - or convincing them that they definitely needed something they weren't even thinking about. His mesmerizing looks helped a lot to convince other people, was he blessed with pink, plump lips, a long slender body and the face of a fashion model. He’d sometimes model for his mother’s men’s jewelry collections and people would mostly assume he was a professional runway model but no, his heart belonged to finance.

 

He was sipping on his coffee, enjoying the sound of the leaves under his leather shoes. Not many people were at the park at this hour, a few people walking their dog, joggers minding their own business, a few mothers with their children, maybe on their way to the playground on the other side of the park. There was a market on the other side of the large lake in the middle of the park, maybe he'd go there during his lunch break. It wasn't like he was super interested in buying useless stuff but there was nothing else to do - and he didn't need to hear another story of Hoseok and how he had fucked his secretary. 

 

When he had hired Kihyun he would've never guessed that he would end up with Hoseok but obviously, there was something more between them than just casual office sex. He’s never asking for details, Hoseok would always give him a full summary of his sex life and all his kinks and all the possibilities Kihyun provided for him anyway. Hyungwon had walked in on them once or twice and he really hadn’t needed to see that. As for himself, though, he had been married and was divorced recently - just last month, exactly thirty days ago, after his now ex-wife, had caught him cheating in their bed with her brother.

 

Hyungwon knew it hadn't been his best move but in any case, their sex life had been dead for quite some time and judging by her reaction she hadn’t been really surprised seeing him cheating. If he was honest with himself, he had wanted to see her perfect face crack. She was always so clean, so flawless, so perfect and she hadn’t given Hyungwon the satisfaction of her screaming or crying as she had caught him deep inside her brother. She worked as a visual designer and whenever she had been abroad he would fuck her brother in every way possible. It wasn't like he was in love with him, no, it was casual dirty sex and Hyungwon hadn't called him once after his ex-wife and he separated. Apparently, it was mostly the thrill of getting caught that had attracted him to his ex-wife's brother but now that it was over there was no use to it anymore.

 

Was he already looking for someone new? Not necessarily. His parents weren't exactly proud of him for cheating on the woman they'd introduced him to. She was the daughter of one of his mother's friends - not anymore as anyone would assume. She was very attractive with her long black hair, she used to wear in a tight knot when she was working. Her clothing was always classy and everything was perfectly in place - her makeup, her shoes, her handbag and the jewelry she was wearing. She didn't want kids, was always focused on her career so being with her had been more of an arrangement than a relationship.

 

They’d been together for half a year as Hyungwon proposed to her, not because he wanted to, but because it simply looked better for his business partners if he introduced them to his wife instead of his girlfriend. The wedding was fine, the sex was like their whole relationship - an arrangement. Although, the sex with her brother was the fulfillment. It had never been love that had held them together and it became more noticeable when they moved in together after their marriage. 

 

They mostly slept in separate bedrooms because she didn't like it when someone else was next to her and Hyungwon had respected her wishes. Their intimacy was planned, never spontaneous. They would talk about their schedules, upcoming presentations, work, but never about their feelings for each other whenever they had the time to eat dinner together. It was like they were two strangers and nothing could ever change that.

  

They had hardly found the time to actually go to the cinema to watch a movie together or just simply appreciate each other's company. And even after nearly one and a half years, they’d spent together, the distance kept them apart from each other as nothing would ever fall in place and after all, they were still strangers. But her brother had spiced Hyungwon’s life up she could have never done it and in a way, Hyungwon had been desperate to feel at least _something_ else than the cold, predictable act with his ex-wife.

 

Now, his parents would let him do what he wanted, didn't force him to look for someone else and not introducing him to anyone’s cousin. His younger brother was married and his wife was already pregnant so there was no use for him to impress anyone. Clearly, Hyungwon knew that it was much more emphasizing to say that he was married instead of saying he was single or - in his case - divorced. But there was just no use living with a stranger and getting on each other's nerves. They were living separate lives under the same roof and now, they lived their lives without each other.

 

The divorce had been uncomplicated. She took her things and everything she had ever bought for their apartment and moved back in with her parents while Hyungwon took the apartment. It had been quiet before and it was quiet now. She hadn’t compromised herself during the whole process and Hyungwon was kind of disappointed about it.  

 

Sometimes he didn’t even know what to do with his life when he was standing inside his office facing the wall of glass behind his desk to look over the city. There was this grey, everyday routine that kept him going. The clients and partners would change, the financial market would change, his finances were stable and he could live very comfortably even without going to work at all by now, but he had a feeling that something was missing.

 

He had needed the thrill to break something, _someone_ as he had sabotaged his marriage. Hyungwon was looking for something out of the ordinary, far away from all the routine. Something that was out of his comfort zone, electrifying, he would even dare to say _dangerous_ , but for now, he discarded the thought as he threw his empty cup in the trash to walk back to his car and drive to his office building on the other side of the park.

  

He parked his car in the underground garage and took the elevator up to the 12th floor. A lot of familiar faces greeted him in the elevator, people from other magazines, journalists, fashion experts, IT-specialists and what not. Most people, especially women, would think he was pretty boring because of his interest in finance and maybe he was using it as a topic quite often to keep certain people at a distance.

 

Hyungwon was pretty familiar with the language of fashion thanks to his mother. Prada, Dior, Gucci were just labels, he would wear on a daily basis without thinking twice about it, but he didn’t need one of those women by his side working for _Mirelle_ the house intern fashion magazine, whom could talk about the newest handbag for hours, while eating next to nothing at all and Hyungwon couldn’t have that.

 

Just the second he pushed the glass door to his office open, his secretary was right behind him informing him about his schedule - and reminded him, of course, about his business trip to Shanghai. 

 

“Are you prepared for the meeting?” Hyungwon followed the voice and saw his boss Shownu standing in the door. His face was always hard to read and it was unpleasant for his co-workers but came in very handy for business meetings and negotiations with other partners of their firm. He wouldn’t even want Shownu’s job if someone had offered it to him for free. And although Hyungwon wouldn’t mind having his name written up a wall, the responsibility was too great for him. It was enough for him to take care of the members of his team, keep the meetings short and compact because he hated it to sit in a meeting for hours, listening to presentations he could have had also read in five minutes in a business journal.

 

“Yes. I can’t believe you’re dragging me into this. I can’t listen to them without the wish to end myself.” Unfortunately, he couldn’t escape those meetings all the time so he nodded with a sigh. Hyungwon unpacked a folder with documents, he had checked and signed last night, from his leather bag and reached it over to his secretary so she could leave his office.

 

“That’s exactly why you’re coming, to wrap things up. There’s a press conference later you have to attend, about the pharmacy scandal, so this won’t take long.” Shownu smiled and left for the conference room on the other side of the halls. Right, the press conference was today and Hoseok was coming with him to take photos for the upcoming article, so it would at least be more entertaining than without him.

 

Hoseok could be described as his right hand. He was in charge of the design team and they started to work for the magazine at the same time. Although their work subjects were quite different, they had a lot in common and as Hyungwon was named as the new CEO and Hoseok was promoted to the head of the design team, it became clear that Hoseok was in need of a secretary as well since the one he had had became pregnant and left the company. Hyungwon had the human resource department had a lot of interviews to check out the candidates in advance and only three of them came through for a personal interview with him.

 

Nevertheless, it was to say that the person he had hired in the end was the most capable one. Yoo Kihyun was the perfect secretary. He was disciplined and assertive and he had a nature-given talent in organizing things plus there was no coming through if things weren’t important enough for Hoseok to look over them himself. Additional to his excellent skills he seemed to have _other_ qualities too at least if you’d ask Hoseok. Hyungwon already forgot which one of them started to seduce the other one but it hadn’t been a month after he had hired Kihyun that he had started to have sex with Hoseok - and obviously everyone knew. 

 

Where they already a couple by now? Hyungwon was sure that Hoseok had already told him but he mostly wasn’t paying any attention at all when his friend started to unwrap his love life for him. Although Hoseok didn’t need any advice or anything like that from him, he wasn't bothered at all that Hyungwon didn’t care, he just liked to talk about his sex life - to a man who had fucked his ex-wife’s brother and was distracting himself since the divorce with a lot more workload, out of all people. But it had been Hoseok, listening to him as Hyungwon had told him about his loveless marriage, the cheating and that he felt lonely and there had never been even a single word of judgment from him.

 

Love. Hyungwon wasn’t sure what this really meant at least not for him. His parents were in love that was for sure, and maybe most of the couples that got married but being with someone wasn’t like a simple calculation, there wasn’t just one possible outcome for a problem. It wasn’t math. It was something far more complicated than that and it required a lot of work from two people to overcome certain difficulties.

 

Since he had spent most of his time studying or reading Hyungwon hadn’t paid much attention to relationships. He had enjoyed the sex, the release, the fun but he wouldn’t put any effort in things like feelings, well at least he had tried with his ex-wife at the beginning. He had tried to get along with her, to get to know her - not only for the sake of his family but also because he had told himself that it would be important if he was going to spend much more than just quality time with this one person. 

 

In the end, even after the experience of a relationship, of marriage, Hyungwon wasn’t any wiser, if anything he had started to question his life. He missed the spark, the excitement and it was everything he could think about while he was sitting in that meeting, spinning his pencil around in his long fingers, tipping the end against the paper in front of him. His apprehension that he would probably want to end himself during that meeting was quite accurate because it has been the same discussion for weeks and they had already made it clear that they weren’t going to make the changes for their upcoming online journal. Hyungwon placed his pencil harshly on the table in front of him, loudly enough for everyone to focus their attention on him, as he got up from his seat.

 

“I have absolutely no idea, why we need to have this conversation yet again but I’m going to make this as clearly as possible for you to understand. Everything is already planned and approved and as much as I enjoy it to get paid for sitting here with you repeatedly, you are wasting my time. So, for God’s sake, find someone else or let it go.” Hyungwon stated clearly, his posture straight, not a sign of defense or uneasiness as he looked at the person that stood in front of the whiteboard plastered with notes. He didn’t wait for any response, even if he could see that the man was ready to argue and simply checked his watch instead. “If you’ll excuse me now, I have actual work to do.” He looked over to Shownu, who gave him a thumb up under the table before he took his belongings and left the conference room.

 

If Hyungwon hated one thing then it would be wasting his time - or his money. He wasn’t willing to thrive right into unnecessary arguments, with people who just wanted a piece of the profit cake. He brushed his hair back with one hand as he walked over to Hoseok’s office. There was a large, white reception desk placed right in front of it and the person behind became only visible if you stood right in front of it.

 

Kihyun was dressed in a fine, expensive suit, his light-brown hair perfectly arranged and his face covered with flawless layers of makeup that brought out his high cheekbones. His sharp features could be described as quite intimidating and it just underlined his authority face to face with strangers and co-workers. Based on his looks, Kihyun would have also been a perfect fit for a secretary position at a fashion magazine, but his excellent keen sense for finance and design would have been wasted. Besides Hyungwon was sure that Hoseok wouldn’t let go of him ever again.  

 

“You’re already finished with the meeting. I assume Shownu asked you to cut them short.” Kihyun said without looking up from his computer, obviously doing research for Hoseok. 

 

“I can only imagine how this information has already found its way to you.” Hyungwon scoffed and leaned his forearms on the counter in front of him. Kihyun hadn’t been here for too long but Hyungwon would always get the impression that he really did know everything. He was aware of what was happening all the time, like he had his eyes and ears everywhere, in every single room of this office - maybe the whole building, since he had friends on every single floor and therefore connections to every firm this cooperation had to offer.

 

“I know everything.” Kihyun stopped the motion of his finger and looked up at him, smiling at him knowingly. “Hoseok should be here any minute.” he added and continued his task diligently. Hyungwon hummed in a low manner, scanning Kihyun’s face and how fast and precisely his fingers moved over the keys of the keyboard. Hoseok had possibly told him what these fingers could do to him, but he didn’t really want to know since he had already seen him naked on Hoseok’s desk - but this might have been the only unprofessionalism Kihyun had shown. He was just flawless and perfect at his job so Hyungwon hadn’t told Shownu about it and was turning two blind eyes on that matter ever since.

 

“I’m ready!” came a voice from the right side of the corridor and Hyungwon moved his attention to the bulky man, walking over to them in a hurry, a camera bag in his hand and the camera around his neck. He was dressed in a blue oversized jacket over a black cotton shirt, combined with light, wide-cut pants that went very well with his short blonde hair that showed some darker parts on the roots. He gave others the impression that he was a designer undoubtedly but not necessarily that he was working for a finance magazine. Most people tended to underestimate him and Hyungwon had to admit that he did so too at the very beginning.

 

Hoseok’s appearance and his character were mostly two different things. Like Kihyun, he could’ve been mistaken for a fashion journalist instead of the head of design for their finance magazine - and Kihyun might have had something to do with his even more fashionable appearance these days too. Hyungwon knew that he loved to hit the gym with Shownu and they’d repeatedly offered him to come with them - but the only physical activity Hyungwon was actually fond of was sex and nothing, _nothing_ , not even a gun on his head could make him run on a treadmill.

 

Unlike his strong appearance, he was a hardworking spirit, creative with lots of ideas and solutions for every problem. Hoseok was passionate, although malicious tongues claimed to say he was immature because of his bright character. He didn’t take things too seriously and he clearly had preserved his inner child unlike many other adults and it was exactly what made people love or hate him. Seeing him, how freely he was walking the earth could make one jealous - and Hyungwon knew that because he would feel jealous too sometimes. Hyungwon made his own decisions, that was for sure, but he never felt free, had lost that lightheartedness a long time ago and possibly buried the last remaining pieces as he got married and crushed everything into pieces all by himself.

 

He was wondering how Hoseok was able to laugh so freely, made his mistakes without the bitter taste of having failed but with the ascent of opportunities. Hyungwon had the feeling that he had long lost the ability to follow his heart, his actual needs. Even Kihyun in all his flawlessness appeared so colorful and bright that Hyungwon yet again felt like he was actually caged in a mono film. He was telling himself that he probably should feel different after his divorce, like a free man with all opportunities in front of him, but to his own disappointment, he just saw nothing but the things that were already there. His everyday life, going on and on.

 

Hyungwon was tipping his fingers on the counter, observing the nearly innocent smiles and eye contact between Kihyun and Hoseok. What was it like to actually be in love? He was really wondering about that whenever he saw them together but instead of letting his thoughts wander until he found himself staring emptily into space, he cleared his throat to get Hoseok’s attention before he straightened his posture.

 

“Let’s have some fun, shall we?” Hyungwon gave another glance over to Kihyun, whose attention was already back on the screen before he left the office with Hoseok.

 

 

 

The traffic was flowing at this time of the day so that after a pleasant thirty-minute drive to the location of the press conference, Hoseok and Hyungwon took two seats in one of the central rows. He recognized a lot of familiar faces, journalists, and photographers from other magazines and greeted them with a simple nod through the room before he set his attention to the stage, where a light brown podium was placed on the left side and a middle-aged man with glasses, standing behind it, was about to speak. It started with the general act of courtesy and Hyungwon was leaning back into his seat, while Hoseok was preparing his camera.

  

Just looking at the man giving his speech about new opportunities, an unparalleled growth in the industry and the subtle avoidance of the big elephant this whole press conference was about, made Hyungwon sick. Despite their primarily promises to secure the jobs of their employees, they had dismissed at least ten percent of them after their company had merged with another large pharma concern, to secure their place on the market.

 

“Dismissing your employees to save money, but paying yourself 240 million bonuses, sounds like a fair deal to me.” Hyungwon muttered more to himself, as he wrote down some notes into his notebook, but he saw that Hoseok was looking at him for a brief moment, before focussing on his camera again.

 

“Just do what you want to do.” Hoseok said, looking through the viewfinder of his camera, with a slight smile on his full lips. He knew that Hyungwon wanted to let them crash and burn and thanks to the meeting earlier he was in the perfect mood to make this press conference much more interesting and so much more unpleasant for the representative of the pharma concern on stage. After he had carefully closed his notebook, Hyungwon got up from his seat and stated his name and the name of the magazine he was working for in a clear and self-confident manner.

 

“We’ll be taking questions after the report.” The man on stage said composed like he had been expecting a situation like this and continued unflinching with his presentation, as Hyungwon yet again started to interrupt him.

 

“I assume you’re feeling no guilt or shame, dismissing hardworking employees while paying yourself 240 million bonuses. Am I right? I’m perfectly aware of the fact that we all have to work for our money, but I’m not quite sure what gave you the right to do so.” Hyungwon stated in a sharp tone, feeling the satisfaction as a murmur went through the audience, everyone seemed to be in high-alert over this scandal that was revealed right in front of them.

 

Cameras began to click more aggressively now, papers rustled and more and more journalists got up from their seats, shooting their answers out like the magazine of a pistol. Uneasiness was written all over the man’s face, he clearly felt unable to respond properly and the press wasn’t in the mood to wait any longer to question him.

 

Pleased with himself, Hyungwon sank down on his seat again, grinning at Hoseok who clearly shared the triumph, shaking his head. “You always aim for the weakest spot.” Hoseok didn’t seem surprised, if anything he possibly had expected this outcome and it was exactly Hyungwon’s course of action to uncover all the dirty laundry, people like the man on stage tried to cover up with their oh so well prepared reports, that was serving only the purpose of twisting reality until nothing was left of it.

 

“It’s not like they deserve anything else.”

 

Hyungwon leaned back, crossing his long legs, placing his notebook in his lap, while he watched the man on stage struggling in all his glory. _Destroying_. Yes, he was remarkably skillful in destroying things although it was a helpful tool in times like these, it wasn’t doing any good in his private life. He knew that, and he thought about the employees of this pharma concern, losing everything, their income, their means of existence while some other people were never satisfied no matter how many zeros they were able to count after the comma.

 

With a flowing gesture, Hyungwon brushed his bangs back, exposing his forehead even more. Right at that moment, he felt so exhausted, tired of his life and he was perfectly aware of the fact that he was lucky. There was plenty of money in his bank accounts, the apartment was his own, he had his loaded parents, and all that guaranteed him security, a stable ground, a net that captured him if he was ever to fall. Even when he was speculating with risky stocks and lost a few hundred thousand won - it didn’t hurt him. His eyes wandered over to Hoseok, who had taken the notebook from his lap to make some notes on his own about this conference, that had been paused for a moment so everyone’s mind would be able to calm down a bit.

 

Hoseok never tried to destroy what he had, instead, he was always working on improvement and that he allowed himself to have fun and actually have a private life might’ve been the reason for his happiness. Hyungwon, on the other hand, felt too tense for anything else. Sure, he had friends, he could relax with Hoseok too but the feeling of being a prisoner in his own life was a pervasive companion. The conference went on after the short break, major concessions were made to save face in the public eye and no sooner than later Hyungwon and Hoseok were on their way back to their office.

 

“Are you and Kihyun together?” Hyungwon asked out of the blue, tipping his fingers on the wheel, while he was waiting for the traffic light to turn green. It clearly caught Hoseok by surprise did Hyungwon rarely ask from his own initiative about things like this.

 

“We’re getting there.” he gave his answer after a short time of consideration. It wasn’t like he didn’t know, but that they hadn’t talked about it yet. Kihyun didn’t see other people and neither was Hoseok. They were dating, but there was no label on it. Before Hoseok could possibly say something else Hyungwon interrupted him by saying: “I’m happy for you.” One of those rare honest smiles on his lips as he looked over for a brief moment before he set his focus back on the street.

 

 

 

 

They parted in the underground garage. Hoseok had agreed to have lunch with Kihyun so Hyungwon went out to stroll through the market he had seen this morning from the far end of the park. The weather was still nice and a warm breeze caressed the skin on Hyungwon’s face as he looked around. The tables of the merchants were filled with mostly handmade utensils, little figures, quilted bags - nothing that was really needed in his eyes. He had no creative mind, he liked rational and predictable contexts, but since he didn't have anything better to do he moved on, following a sweet scent that felt strange but also kind of familiar to him.

 

He came to hold in front of another table, a little outside. A few people were having their lunch, sitting on the benches of the park, chattering about everything and nothing at all. Hyungwon examined the various kinds of joss sticks and candles that were placed on the table in front of him. There were quite a few joss sticks lit up, filling the air with their sweet, intoxicating scent, but what was it? The aroma could be described as dark, musky-earthy, reminiscent of wet soil. Hyungwon knew he had smelled it before but he couldn’t remember what it was called.

 

“Hey there.” A cheery voice called out for him behind the table and only now he noticed the presence of the merchant, openly smiling at him. It was a young man. Hyungwon took a moment to look him up from head to toe. He had a hairband wrapped around his head with brown, green and orange paisley patterns on it, his silky, short black hair was arranged over it. His face looked so soft, like one of those porcelain figurines he had seen a few moments ago at another sales booth. Hazelnut brown eyes were glimmering in the sunlight and Hyungwon couldn’t help but think that he looked very young, more like a boy rather than a man, when he was smiling like he did at that moment. A loose wool white, knitted poncho was draped over his shoulders and under that he wore some kind of band shirt Hyungwon recognized as one of The Beatles. His legs were covered in wide cut, ocher-colored pants and his shoes definitely had seen better days.

 

Although he looked like nothing special, nothing expensive like the people Hyungwon surrounded himself with, there was something on him. _Something_ that made him different, set him apart from everyone else Hyungwon had ever seen. He couldn’t point his finger on what exactly it was but this man in front of him left him speechless for a moment. To overcome the awkward silence he just created he quickly set his focus back on the joss sticks.

 

“I just followed the scent and I was wondering what it was. It’s familiar but I can’t remember the name.” Hyungwon said composed but with a slight smile on his lips. He couldn’t help but feel out of place with his designer suit and the custom made Rolex on his wrist, talking to someone who sold candles on a market and was dressed like a hippie.

 

“It’s patchouli. A lot of people recognize it but can’t remember the name.” the man said in a chatty voice, his wide smile still plastered all over his face, while he was reaching for a long-shaped package with joss sticks. “I’m not surprised it brought you here, it’s a masculine aroma, perfectly fitting for a man in a designer suit like you.” His voice had changed into a more lingering, flirty tone as he placed the package in front of Hyungwon, which left him with a confused expression.

 

“Oh, how much is it?” Hyungwon asked a bit taken aback, not only because he clearly felt out of place now because of his designer suit but because he hadn’t come to hold here to buy anything, nevertheless he reached for the wallet inside the pocket of his jacket.

 

“There’s no need.” the man hummed and held himself up with one hand placed on the table, while he shifted his weight on his right foot. He clearly wasn’t treating Hyungwon different just because of his clothes and he didn’t seem intimidated by their clear social-class differences. If any, it was Hyungwon who still felt out of place - he could have possibly bought everything here without thinking about it twice but this man was giving him the joss sticks for free.

 

“Well, thank you.” Hyungwon replied hesitantly, put his wallet back into his pocket and allowed himself to have another good look at this magnificent face of the stranger in front of him. “I listened to them too, when I was younger.” he added after he cleared his throat and gave a nod in the direction of the man’s shirt.

 

“Is that right, huh?” He clicked with his tongue and grinned even wider. “Then tell me, how can someone go from peace and love to a designer suit without blushing?” Hyungwon just stood there, a slight twitch in the corner of his mouth because he had never met someone like him, so fearless, leading him into a position of a new form of helplessness. The black-haired man reached for something inside the pocket of his pants and placed a colorful card on top of the patchouli package. “I’d love for you to come if you find some time for a night of peace and love again.” Now he was directly flirting with him and Hyungwon tried for himself to remain unbothered as he reached out for the package to take a closer look at the card. It was an invitation to a party tonight.

 

“I see what I can do. I’m Hyungwon by the way.” he introduced himself instead of giving a clear answer or rather reject him immediately like he normally would do. This whole situation was too out of the ordinary as that he could react with his usual distant attitude.

 

“I’m Minhyuk.”

 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter: @crimson_chou


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He was flying through the clouds in his head up to the stars, shining so bright at him, welcoming and embracing him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon is crossing the line, let's see how this is working out for him
> 
> Warning: mentioning of drugs

The rest of the day flew by like a leaf in the mild autumn wind, everything was like it should be and Hyungwon worked concentrated behind his desk, although his attention would sometimes drift over to the package of patchouli he had placed at the right corner of his desk. It was a simple grey box with a light brown sticker on it, wrapped with a thin ribbon in the same color. Hyungwon reached out for the box, opening it, just to inhale the scent of the patchouli, that hit his nose thrills right away. The image of Minhyuk’s face was flickering right before his eyes, smiling at him so unabashedly. He scoffed and shook his head, closing the box and placed it back at the corner of his desk as he thought about this odd situation he had found himself in earlier that day.  
  
  
Since when was he so occupied with a stranger? Furthermore, since when was he thinking about attending a party that clearly wasn’t his kind of thing? As he leaned back in his leather chair he thought about this Minhyuk guy. His clear brown eyes, that had looked at him so freely, so full of joy and insouciance that Hyungwon was wondering how someone who sold candles at a market could possibly radiate more abundance than him. He didn’t look like he was investing a lot of money in his clothes and was obviously enjoying himself on parties with cheap booze instead of champagne but still, something about him made Hyungwon react differently. And maybe it was because Minhyuk was different from all the other people strolling through his life and he was desperately longing for something new, something unpredictable.  
  
  
Later that day after work, Hyungwon was driving over to the location, despite the queasy feeling in his stomach, that was written on the card Minhyuk had given to him. His secretary had given him a very confused look as he had left his office, was he basically living in there since his divorce. He knew that he was overdressed with his suit and the black coat made out of cashmere he was wearing, but the way home was in the complete opposite direction and he didn’t want to stress himself more than was needed. Though, there would’ve been nothing less expensive inside his wardrobe anyway.  
  
  
He found himself in a suburban area, where he parked his car, but remained inside, taking a few moments to ask himself if he was really going to do this. His hand on the door opener felt tense and kind of sweaty all of a sudden. What was he doing here? This wasn’t where he belonged and every calculation he was doing in his head told him not to get out of this car, but to turn around and drive home, remain in the right place. Hyungwon stared at his hand, feeling the cold and hardness of the door opener below his fingers as he exhaled heavily and stepped out, hoping that no one would make a scratch on his freshly waxed silver Mercedes, and walked over to the club.  
  
  
To his surprise there wasn’t anyone waiting at the door, so he slipped in just so the loud music could hit him right in the face. The inside could be described as more kind of a bar instead of a club. Everything was tinted in earth-colors like brown and yellow mixed with green and red for the tables and lounge sofas that were placed along the opposite wall and the mixtape of music from the seventies just underlined the whole concept - not really that kind of establishment Hyungwon would ever set a foot in on his own.  
  
  
He could feel people staring at him, surprised faces and stealing gazes in search of the meaning behind his presence, as he walked over to the bar. Hyungwon tried not to pay them much attention, if anything he was just searching for Minhyuk’s familiar face, hoping he was remembering him. Hyungwon didn’t know why he felt so nervous all of a sudden as he found Minhyuk standing at the bar chatting with the bartender behind the counter, laughing. He was wearing the same clothes as earlier at the market, just without the knitted poncho, so that Hyungwon was able to see how perfectly the black t-shirt arrayed Minhyuk’s petite frame.  
  
  
“Hey.” Hyungwon greeted him by nearly shouting at him because the music was just too loud for any normal tone.  
  
  
“Oh, you came!” Minhyuk smiled at him with such pure honesty, after a short confused moment, that Hyungwon was yet again taken aback by his beauty. He remembered him and was obviously willing to spend some time with him.  
  
  
“Two beer, please.” He heard Minhyuk say in the direction of the bartender, a young woman, wearing a golden septum in her nose, her blue hair was pin-up in a messy bun and Hyungwon wasn’t sure if the clothes she was wearing really deserved to be called clothes at all. It looked more like he just had wrapped herself up in some jersey fabric, that merely covered anything on her skinny body.  
  
  
“Come.” Minhyuk smiled at him after he took the two bottles of beer, leaving Hyungwon a bit confused behind - face to face with the half-naked bartender.  
  
  
“How much is it?” He reached for his wallet and waited for the woman to answer him, although she was scanning him, chewing her gum, like he was some kind of rare, wild animal.  
  
  
“Everyone is paying as much as they want and can.” She placed a big jar in front of him, already filled with money and Hyungwon couldn’t help but to be confused over this kind of business as he placed a huge bill inside the jar, like it didn’t matter, though he might’ve got a bottle of the best wine for that money somewhere else. The woman kept on staring at him and Hyungwon preferred to leave the situation, so he walked over to Minhyuk, now sitting on one of the lounge sofas, smiling widely at him as he sat down beside him, slipping out of his designer coat.  
  
  
They clinked their bottles and Hyungwon sipped on his own, disappointed but not surprised by its taste. He definitely had tasted better drinks but it didn’t matter considering that he got to spend time with this man beside him. It was different, everything here was different from the life he was living yet he didn’t belong here and he was perfectly aware of that, but he was craving to experience something new and Minhyuk seemed to be unpredictable. Young and wild like a storm, a huge wave he was staring at but was unable to run away from.  
  
  
“So what kind of work you do Mr. Designer Suit?” Minhyuk had leaned closer to his ear so he didn’t need to shout his words at him. The sweet, herb scent of the joss sticks adhered to him and Hyungwon had to admit that it suited him. It became clear that he was still mocking him for his appearance and Hyungwon found it kind of refreshing.  
  
  
“I’m working for a finance magazine.”  
  
  
“Suits you. Boring like your clothes.” he gave back with a laugh and Hyungwon couldn’t help but smile at him. Yes, maybe. Maybe it was boring and analyzing charts, looking at numbers, oversee the processes of his employees wasn’t anything normal people would describe as fun at all. Maybe it was as far away from the real world as it could be.  
  
  
“Do you like working there?”  
  
  
“I guess.” Hyungwon shrugged his shoulders and sipped on his beer. Did he enjoy working there? He had never thought about it until now. Of course, he loved the world of finance, and his job had really good conditions but also came with a lot of responsibility. He had always wanted to work for a big company like the one he was in now, climb the career ladder, making a lot of money to continue the life of high standards his parents had provided him with from the very beginning.  
  
  
Before he even had the chance to return the question, he looked down a bit confused as he felt Minhyuk’s fingers opening his jacket, indicating him to take it off as he leaned once again over to his ear, brushing his full warm lips over it this time. “Let’s go dancing.” His voice sounded cheerful, more flirtatious this time as he waited for Hyungwon to take off his jacket so he could grab his hand to pull him on the small dancefloor. For any reason, Hyungwon didn’t mind - not that Minhyuk was just doing how he pleased but also about the people surrounding them, looking at him as he placed his hands on Minhyuk’s slim hips, pulling him closer, getting more and more attached to his carefree energy.  
  
  
Minhyuk had his arms wrapped around Hyungwon’s neck, moving his hips to the beat of the music and even though Hyungwon wasn’t particularly musical, he slowly let his body move to the music. It was fascinating to see Minhyuk enjoying himself, like he was just fully present at this moment, not thinking about tomorrow, not bothering about yesterday and it made Hyungwon smile once again.  
  
  
They were total strangers that had just met but Minhyuk was so intoxicating, just looking in his eyes gave Hyungwon the expression to dive into a whole new world, and he wanted to be part of this world even if it was just for a brief moment in time. He just wanted to take a glimpse, to see what the other side looked like. And so he allowed Minhyuk to cross the borders of his private space - not that Minhyuk showed any signs of hesitation as he was nearly grinding his body on him in slow, seductive movements and kissed him.    
  
  
His lips felt so soft and Hyungwon didn't waste any time and placed a hand on Minhyuk's left cheek as he deepened the kiss. Over and over their lips met, falling into a rhythm like the music that still surrounded them but weren't paying any attention to. He could still taste the bitter flavor of the beer on his tongue but it simply didn't matter because Hyungwon couldn't stop kissing him, pulling him closer like he was just a marionette willing to do whatever pleased Minhyuk.

  
Everything around them faded to grey, the music vanished and left behind a low, blurred sound, although kissing Minhyuk felt like an ocean of colors, two worlds colliding, crashing everything Hyungwon used to believe in, leaving behind chaos and a whole galaxy of lost, glittery stars and dust, filling the darkness of his universe.  
  
  
“Let's go to my place.” Was everything Minhyuk needed to murmur against Hyungwon's full lips after they had parted their kiss. He didn't question his decision, wasn't even able to think about what he was doing as he took his jacket and his coat and led Minhyuk to his car. The only thing he felt was excitement running through his veins. Hyungwon was too curious about what's to come then to question his decision to go home with a stranger - not any stranger, a Hippie, a person far below his standards and yet he couldn't help it.  
  
  
The neighborhood Minhyuk was living in left Hyungwon once again in concern about his expensive car. He just hoped that nobody was going to steal his tires or the whole car itself. And when Hyungwon had thought that he hadn’t felt out of place before at the market or inside this hippie bar then he definitely felt it now standing inside of Minhyuk’s apartment. Like the bar, the apartment was mostly set in natural colors and nothing seemed to fit together in any way. The furniture was old and looked like he had bought it second hand from a rag fair. There was a kitchen to his right side, that also looked old and more like a patchwork pattern as the blankets he had seen on the market before.  
  
  
Standing in this apartment felt so wrong for Hyungwon, yet to say he felt slightly disgusted. He’d never set foot inside such a shabby home, had spent his life between luxury furniture, maids and nearly scrupulous cleanliness. His friends were wealthy, the people he was sleeping with were too and he never had even thought about that it wasn’t a given privilege for most of the people out there. And then there was Minhyuk, inviting him to his home without fear, without the feeling that his home might not have been good enough for Hyungwon at all and it made him feel a bit ashamed of himself. Did he really think he was better than him just because of his money? He wasn’t a saint at all that was for sure.  
  
  
“Sit, sit.” Minhyuk said in a cheery voice and placed two cans of beer on the small, wooden table in front of the sofa before he made himself comfortable on it, was waiting for Hyungwon to sit down beside him. With a slight trace of hesitation, he took off his coat and sat down beside him, watching Minhyuk as he pulled a box from under the table, fishing out something that was shaped like a cigarette but if he was looking closely Hyungwon did recognize it as a joint.  
  
  
“Have you ever smoked weed?” Minhyuk asked him nonchalantly, placing the joint between his pink lips and lit up the end of it with a lighter casually. Hyungwon stared at him in confusion because Minhyuk seemed to have no idea that he was crashing his whole world, every perfection he was living in, in just a few moments. Of course, he was very aware of the fact that some of the models _Mirelle_ booked for their cover-shoots won’t say no to a line of cocaine, but he had never witnessed someone acting so casually about this matter.  
  
  
“No,” Hyungwon answered slowly, taking a sip of his beer to get rid of the urge that was building up inside his stomach - the urge to get up and go home because he couldn’t handle any of this. Despite his common sense telling him to leave, there was something else that wanted him to stay, _curiosity_.  
  
  
He was curious where this night was going to lead him - not to underestimate the feeling that he wanted to have sex with Minhyuk. It’d be different, he was very much aware of that, but Hyungwon wanted to know _how_ different. “I’ve never even smoked a cigarette in my life.” he added and placed the can, he had just sipped on back on the table, looking over to Minhyuk, who laughed at him in amusement.  
  
  
“You’re so fucking clean and perfect but,” and with that Minhyuk inhaled the joint once more, leaning over to Hyungwon to blow the white smoke against his plush lips. He could smell a slight hint of strawberry and tried to stay in his usual composed self, although the smoke was burning in his eyes. “You undoubtedly miss all the good parts worth living for.” He could hear Minhyuk whisper seductively, placing a kiss in the corner of his mouth, tracing his hot breath over his cheek and his jaw, that sent a shiver down his spine, filling his whole body up with excitement he’d never felt before.  
  
  
Minhyuk’s shamelessness was challenging him on a whole new level and he was willing to play this game with him. He was willing to overstep the line of his perfect life to make a mistake, to experience something new and out of the ordinary. He could think about the consequences later because everything he wanted was to know what was going to happen.  
  
  
“I’m not as perfect as you might think.”  
  
  
“Why don’t you prove it?”  
  
  
Hyungwon’s voice hung heavy and vibrant in his throat, as he felt Minhyuk tracing one hand down his body, over his chest, his stomach, placing it over his crotch and rubbing him through his pants, while he looked sassy at it. He couldn’t prevent himself from sighing under his touch and for a moment his gaze went from Minhyuk’s sparkling eyes over to the joint he was still holding between his fingers.  
  
  
Everything inside of him screamed the get out, the volume of his own inner voice was getting louder and louder, warning him not to do what he intended to do. His heartbeat increased in excitement, fear and curiosity were prickling in the tips of his fingers as he reached out for the joint, leading it to his lips to take a hit from it a bit hesitant.  
  
  
“Just hold it in your mouth and breathe in.” He could hear Minhyuk say close to his ear, felt his lips kissing his neck while his hand continued rubbing him through his pants, that Hyungwon wasn’t sure where to set his focus on, so he held the smoke inside his mouth for a brief moment and inhaled it into his lungs with fresh air. After two seconds he let the smoke go, not sure what was going to happen. He could feel his mouth burn, his lungs on fire as he started to cough, tears in the corners of his eyes.  
  
  
“Shh, it gets better in a moment.” A soothing voice whispered against his neck and he saw Minhyuk taking the joint out of his hand, stubbed it out and placed it aside before he pulled Hyungwon on his feet, leading him into his room. He followed him a bit disoriented as his vision started to shift. Was he walking on candy cotton? His mouth felt like it was filled with cotton too and he welcomed the soft pillows under him as Minhyuk pushed him down on his bed, instructing him to drink some water. He realized the glass in his hand and was wondering where it had come from, but he did as he was told, feeling the cotton in his mouth flushing away.  
  
  
Music was filling the room and it somehow was filling Hyungwon’s body in a way he had never felt before. He looked around to find Minhyuk who had taken off his shirt and was now straddling his hips. Had he been always that beautiful? His features looked so perfect beyond compare, that he had to trace his fingers over his cheek to make sure he was even real, fascinated how soft his skin felt under his fingertips. Somehow he felt hungry but was too occupied to think about it once he felt Minhyuk’s lips on his own, kissing him so fiercely, nearly desperate and he was kissing him back with the same intensity, wrapping his arms around Minhyuk’s petite frame, feeling him grinding his hips on him, making them both moan into each other’s mouths.  
  
  
Did he taste like this as he had kissed Minhyuk in the club? He tasted so sweet like strawberries and his tongue felt so intense on his own, like every single receptor on his tongue was hypersensitive, that Hyungwon wasn’t able to compare it with anything else he had ever experienced before. The life he used to live, his job as a CEO at the finance magazine, the divorce so far away all of a sudden, leaving room for this handsome stranger and the intensity of this very moment only.  
  
  
It felt like a dream as they started to rip each other's clothes off, touching, kissing and marking each other's bodies like their lives were depending on it. His dick felt so painfully hard and Minhyuk’s hand around it so incredibly intense that Hyungwon thought he was going to come just with the simple touch of his fingers. He couldn’t stop feeling good - everything felt good. Once again he didn’t question where the lube in his hand had come from but he took it to good use as he started to prepare Minhyuk for him.  
  
  
Hyungwon felt Minhyuk’s kisses on his neck, his hot panting on his skin as he worked him open with two and then three fingers, searching for his prostate and was awestruck of the silent scream that left Minhyuk’s lips as he found it. He had his other arm wrapped around his slim body and pulled him even closer to sink his teeth in the curve of his neck, sucking on the sensitive skin while he started to fuck him roughly with his fingers, filling the room with Minhyuk’s increasingly loud moans of pleasure - that sounded even more arousing mixed with the music that was still flowing through Hyungwon’s system.  
  
  
Out of breath, Minhyuk pushed him down, so he was lying on his back, Hyungwon’s fingers still buried deep inside of him as he took the hairband off his head with a meaningful smile on his lips. He signaled Hyungwon to took his fingers out of him and started to wrap the cloth around his wrists, bonding his hands upon the headboard of his bed. Hyungwon was way too high to question what was happening with him and that he had been chained up, left to Minhyuk’s mercy - who looked even more picture-perfect without the band around his head, just his messy black hair falling on his forehead.  
  
  
He couldn’t remember that he had ever had sex like this - not even the brother of his ex-wife had been into kinky sex practices, but he was so horny and lewd that he didn't mind. Everything he wanted was Minhyuk on his dick, to see him fuck himself on him, to feel his tight walls around him. Fuck yes, he wanted him to squeeze every single drop of cum out of him. Just a moment later he felt Minhyuk putting a condom around his throbbing cock, giving him a few strokes before he lined himself up over him.  
  
  
“I’m going to make you cum like never before.” Hyungwon heard Minhyuk say, saw him biting his lower lip as he slowly sank down on him, filling himself with the glory of Hyungwon’s perfect hard cock. He could feel his body tense for a bit, his breathing felt so heavy in his chest and it took all of Hyungwon’s willpower not to cum right away inside of him. Minhyuk felt so hot around him, and even though he had prepped him he felt so delicately tight, his walls squeezing him, the pressure was nearly unbearable.  
  
  
“Holy shit.” Hyungwon tried to pull on the cloth around his wrists - without success. His mouth felt so dry as he saw Minhyuk starting to move his hips, lifting himself up and pushing down on him again so that the moan that was supposed to leave his lips got stuck in his throat. Minhyuk’s gentle finger brushed over his chest, while he let Hyungwon’s cock slid halfway out of him before pushing his hips down again, his pace was slowly increasing until he was bouncing on his cock, making the bed shake.  
  
  
“Fuck, your dick feels so good inside me.” Minhyuk knew exactly what he was doing, leading the tip of Hyungwon’s cock directly to his prostate, filling his vision not only with bright colors but dancing and sparkling points, building up a firework for both of them, ready to explode in the most electrifying way. Hyungwon bent his legs, starting to thrust his cock deeper and harder inside Minhyuk’s glorious hole every time he was pushing his hips down on him.  
  
  
There had been quite a few people riding his cock in the past, but none of these experiences were worth enough to be prepared with the feeling Minhyuk gave him right now. This man knew perfectly well what he needed and how he was going to get it from Hyungwon. Nothing of this had been part of Hyungwon’s sex life before - not the bonding, not the dirty talking, not even the feeling that his whole body was going to combust into starlight every time his cock was squeezed by Minhyuk’s tight, smooth walls around him.    
  
  
He could feel the tension building inside his stomach, getting closer to his orgasm with every single thrust - but it seemed that Minhyuk had other plans with him because he slowed down on him, leaning forward to kiss his lips sloppily, plundering Hyungwon’s mouth with his tongue, panting breathlessly into it. Hyungwon kissed him back fiercely, trying to buck his hips upwards to get his release but Minhyuk’s hips pressed him down, not giving him the satisfaction.  
  
  
His fingers traced over his naked body, leaving a spur of gasoline on his sweaty skin, lighting it up with fire just seconds later and Hyungwon could feel Minhyuk’s dick on his stomach, leaking sticky pre-cum - this clearly wasn’t helping him either to calm down. He never felt so hopelessly out of control, like he was watching himself getting tortured with this immense amount of pleasure that was erasing every single rational calculation out of his brain. This was _it_ , the special _something_ , the out of the ordinary that was giving him the chills and filling him up with delightful satisfaction at the same time.  As Hyungwon was about to complain, Minhyuk slowly started to sway his hips again, allowing Hyungwon at least a small piece of heaven.  
  
  
“Oh, you want to fuck me so badly, don't you?” Minhyuk bit Hyungwon's lower lip, sucking on it before he traced his tongue over it. He slowly moved his hips up, letting Hyungwon's dick slide halfway out of him before he let himself drop back on him, contracting his muscles around Hyungwon’s perfect cock, while he purred hotly against his lips. Hyungwon was once again trying to free his hands - again without success - Minhyuk had done a really fine job in chaining him up and the sheer sensation of Minhyuk's tight, pulsating hole around him drove him nearly crazy.  
  
  
“You’re so fucking perfect with my cock inside of you.” Hyungwon wasn’t even aware of what he was saying but it wasn’t like he cared anyway. He watched Minhyuk sitting up again, brushing his silky, black hair back with one hand as he started to stroke himself with the other one in slow, agonizing movements, that Hyungwon felt himself getting hypnotized by the view. His system was overflowing his sensations, that he wasn’t sure where and how to focus on anything in particular anymore, but he stared at Minhyuk’s hand. How his thumb was rubbing over the tip of his dick, how it was leaking pre-cum over his hand and Hyungwon wanted to get down on him, sucking him off until he was a mess.  
  
  
His eyes went up to Minhyuk’s face, again in awe what a beauty he was, how magnificent his face looked while he was feeling himself, pleasuring himself. He had closed his eyes, was still swaying his hips in painfully slow movements, directing Hyungwon’s dick to his prostate where he needed it the most but without giving Hyungwon the stimulation he needed to cum. Was this what heaven looked like? Hyungwon’s mind drifted away for a moment, thinking about how he wanted to free his hands, turn Minhyuk over on all fours, pressing him down on his shoulders, to fuck his hard cock relentless into him from behind, making him beg for more and scream like a slut.  
  
  
“Focus on me rich boy.” Minhyuk’s slow, vibrant voice and his hot breath brushing over his ear, brought him back to his senses and a surprised gasp came over his lips as he felt him riding his hard cock again. After this short pause of action, it felt like Minhyuk’s tight walls were squeezing the life out of him and with every bounce Hyungwon’s head started to fill itself with fluffy white clouds. Everything he felt and heard was falling down on him as he was so oversensitive for every sound and touch that he couldn’t even remember his own name.    
  
  
Minhyuk’s lips placed hot, open-mouthed kisses along his jaw, making Hyungwon’s skin prickle right under his breath. He wanted to cum, needed his release even if he felt like he was going to black-out right after - it didn’t matter. Everything Minhyuk did to him was perfect, was like he was giving him a ride straight up to the moon and with that thought in mind, Hyungwon started to meet every bounce of Minhyuk with his thrusts again, fucking him so hard until he was shaking and shouting in pleasure.  
  
  
And just moments later Hyungwon reached his climax, shooting his cum inside of Minhyuk, coming harder than ever before in his life that he nearly blacked-out. His whole body was shaking, his eyes relentlessly wandering behind his closes eyelids, while he was flying through the clouds in his head up to the stars, shining so bright at him, welcoming and embracing him. Hyungwon was stretching out his arms to bathe in the warmth of the light as he slowly came to realize that Minhyuk had loosened the band around his wrists, and was laying down panting in his arms. His cheeks were flushed from the physical exertion and Hyungwon repeatedly thought how beautiful he looked, while his plush lips were forming a wide smile.  
  
  
He could feel Minhyuk's cum in between their sweaty bodies, felt Minhyuk’s skin right under his fingertips and his now soft cock still buried inside of his heat. The music was still playing and Hyungwon wasn’t sure if it was the sex or the drugs or maybe both that had placed him in a state of happiness. Freedom, he felt free and light like he was laying on a soft cloud while the angels, chubby naked cupids, played songs of love and peace. There was something else he became aware of, right before his eyelids closed shut again as sleep was grabbing his hand to take him away, the scent of sex mixed with patchouli.  _Intoxicating_.  
  
  
  
The familiar yet irritational sound of his alarm brought Hyungwon back to his senses, snatched him out of the arms of his dreams and catapulted him straight back to reality. His eyes scanned the room in bewilderment as this was obviously not his bedroom nor his own bed he had been sleeping in. He tried to recall everything that had happened the previous day - especially the previous night - but as he laid there trying to think his alarm went on hammering against his temple with hammer and sickle. With an annoyed sigh, he strobed the floor near the bed with his hand, searching for his pants to shut the cause of disturbance down.  
  
  
It didn’t take long until he found his phone, switching off the alarm before he sat up on the bed. He rubbed over his neck, which felt sore probably from the aggressive smoke of the joint, as he started to scan the room. Colorful cloths were arranged at the ceiling, the sideboard right ahead of him was decorated with candles and artificial flowers - it looked shabby, as was the yellow armchair right below the window. There was a green rug right in front of the bed and Hyungwon now realized that the blankets and pillows were littered with colorful ornaments like the headband that Minhyuk had worn. Right, the same headband Minhyuk had used to chain him up on the headboard to fuck the life out of him. The only thing he couldn’t find in this room was the owner himself.  
  
  
“Good God.” Hyungwon rubbed his temples, slightly disgusted by his own behavior. What the hell was just wrong with him? He was a respected businessman, was working for one of the top firms in Seoul, always controlled yet perfectly aware of his failures, but since when was he taking drugs when he never even smoked a cigarette or ever got wasted? The sex with Minhyuk, although, was something he had never experienced either, so overwhelming and dirty, how he had ridden his hard cock like a rodeo bull, giving Hyungwon the best orgasm he ever had, milking him dry, cutting his entire being out of him, to fill him up with pleasure.    
  
  
Hyungwon knew he had crossed a dangerous line and he needed to assure himself that it was just a mistake, so he grabbed his clothes off the floor to put them on, ignoring the wrinkles in the fabric. He brushed his hair back with a sigh as he caught his reflection in the mirror that hung next to the door. It was as if he didn’t recognize the person that looked right back at him. Yes, he was searching for _something_ that would give him a kick and the high he had felt last night had given exactly that. But now looking at the situation by daylight, everything that was left was shame and regret. He wanted to shower, clean himself from the dirt he felt all over his body, get rid of the bad aftertaste that was lingering inside his mouth.  
  
  
He opened the door in a slow movement, and the first thing that hit him was the strong scent of marijuana, followed by a disgusted grimace of his face. Still, he was trying to be as quiet as possible, hoping Minhyuk would be in the bathroom or somewhere else so he could just slip through the front door and out of his life as if this night had never happened. That was until he heard a moan, a familiar moan, Minhyuk’s moan coming from the kitchen and he froze in the middle of the living room, staring at the front door that would lead him back to his ordinary life, the life he belonged in. He turned his head toward the kitchen where Minhyuk’s voice came from, trying to withstand the urge to take a look, but before his head could decide for him to get out of here, his feet were already on its way and he found himself standing in front of the kitchen, to look through the small gap of the door.  
  
  
Minhyuk was sitting on the kitchen counter, naked, his cheeks flushed like they’d been just the night before and there was another man standing between his legs with his pants and shorts around his knees, spreading Minhyuk's legs with his hands, fucking himself into him with hard and fast movements. Hyungwon didn’t know what to do and he felt cold sweat creeping down his neck while he couldn’t control the arousing effect this whole scenario had on him. Just seeing Minhyuk getting fucked, listening to his whimpering, made his own dick hard in no time and he had to imagine being the one standing there. He couldn’t deny how marvelous he had felt, how tight his sinful hole had been around his dick and yet he was just an observer.  
  
  
Where did this man even come from? And how was it that Minhyuk was so shameless to such an extent? Just the second he wanted to turn away from the situation he noticed that Minhyuk was looking straight at him, licking over his lips, his eyes filled with lust and pleasure and as if that was all that was needed, Hyungwon stumbled back, away from the kitchen door, away from Minhyuk. Thunderstruck, he finally followed his impulse and left the apartment as fast as he could, got into his car to drive home. It took him a few tries to put the key into the ignition lock, his heart was still beating like crazy inside his chest. His fingers were tapping nervously on the wheel as he was on the road and there was still the hard-on inside his pants, and this look Minhyuk had given him while he was getting fucked, Hyungwon wouldn’t forget so easily. No, this wasn’t his life, it couldn’t be.  
  
  
  
“I think your lover is gone.” the man whispered inside of Minhyuk’s ear, aiming his thrusts for Minhyuk’s prostate to make his body a trembling mess, enjoying the fingers on the small of his back, pinching into his heated flesh.  
  
  
“He’s coming back.” Minhyuk moaned in pleasure a sly grin on his lips as he caressed one of the banknotes he had stolen from Hyungwon’s wallet earlier as he had been still sleeping, over his flatmate's cheek.  
  
  
But this clearly was an issue Hyungwon wasn’t aware of yet.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Always thankful for kudos and comments :D
> 
> twitter: crimson_chou


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehh... well maybe I snapped? lol I'll just leave you with this 10k chapter

The very same moment Hyungwon stepped inside his apartment, he started to get rid of his clothes. Although his senses weren’t as oversensitive as they were when he was high last night, he still could smell the marijuana on his clothes. And if the simple fact of that wasn’t enough, Hyungwon felt utterly dirty, disgusted by himself and even though he had used a condom, there was this feeling that there would never be enough soap in this world to wash Minhyuk off of his body. Shortly after his clothes found its new temporary home in the laundry, Hyungwon stepped under the warm water of the shower, starting right away to cleanse himself one, two, three times.  
  
  
No, he clearly wasn’t suffering from ablutomania but he had to make sure that he could take a step back. Back into his normal, boring, well-ordered life, he was so sick of. Back behind his desk, back to the world of finance and orderly manners. As he stood there with his eyes closed, the soft drops of water run down his face and his naked body he began to wonder if it was even possible at this point to take a step back. It had been a one-time thing certainly, people would do one-night-stands all the time and Hyungwon had too at some point.  
  
  
But seeing Minhyuk getting fucked by another man right the next morning did somehow hurt his pride as a man. Of course, there was no commitment between them for Hyungwon might’ve seen Minhyuk naked but he barely even knew the guy, what he was up to or how old he was - apparently old enough to buy drugs and drink alcohol in shady Hippie bars - or what he was doing for a living besides selling joss sticks and candles at the market. Hell, he didn't even know why he cared. It didn't matter since he wasn't going to see Minhyuk ever again.

  
He wouldn't, right?

 

The problem was, that somewhere deep down there was a part of Hyungwon that wanted to see Minhyuk again. One part that wanted him to take all his power away, leaving him back raw and exposed so he would discover a side of himself he hadn’t met yet. Well, in a way he thought this other side of him was always present but he would keep it hidden deep down while he fueled its anger and power simultaneously by running in the wrong direction. Wrong. Could you tell something was wrong to do what was obviously right in the eye of society? Having a proper education, a proper job and a lot of money was the embodiment of wealth and happiness so many people were looking for in their lives. It was the fuel that kept everyone going: The pursuit of happiness.  
  
  
So the question was, why couldn’t Hyungwon feel it? This happiness and fulfillment everyone was talking about. Why was this hidden part of him knocking at the door louder and more aggressively with time passing by? The truth was that his perfect life, the life of modern society had trimmed him to fit perfectly into the role he had to play for it. Into the role of the straight-A student, into the role of the perfect son, into the role of the respected businessman and yet at some point society had trimmed him too much, making an unpleasant discovery of the core of his being - a side of him that would never fit in. This side of him wasn't as flawless and perfect as others needed it to be, it was willing to make mistakes and take risks - and not only in the sense of speculating with money. No, it wanted so speculate with the possibilities of a life he wanted to live but wasn't able to.  
  
  
His charade of marriage had been one step too much, was cutting too deep into the walls that were built around that ugly side of Hyungwon that wanted to break free. The moment he had destroyed his marriage and the moment he had to give in to his curiosity to taste the waters of Minhyuk’s world - of Minhyuk - the wall inside of him was beyond repair and he had the feeling that the more he would try to fix it now, the more he was going to lose of the life he was living. Something was going to change and he clearly wasn’t ready for that because it would lead him to a place far away from his comfort zone. It would mean everything he hated was going to change. He was willing to take risks with his money and he had risked his clean reputation as he had fucked the brother of his ex-wife, getting divorced and now Hyungwon was mocking his own image by getting high with a Hippie that had fucked the life out of _him_.  
  
  
Hyungwon let out a low disgusted growl and rubbed his eyelids with his fingers to get rid of all those depressing thoughts inside his head. He had to focus on his schedule for the day and he couldn’t even recall if there were any important clients he had to meet today. Yes, he had been reckless to go out with a stranger in the middle of the week instead of focusing on his work and the thought of reviewing documents and charts gave him a headache instead of filling him with anticipation as usual. With a heavy sigh, he put out the water and stepped out of the shower to dry his body with a towel as something grabbed his attention in the mirror.  
  
  
“That little punk.” Only now he started to really pay attention to all the hickeys Minhyuk had left on his body - especially his neck and shoulders that gave Hyungwon, even more, the impression that he had been much more than immature last night. As he traced over the deep violet mark on the left side of his neck with his fingers he thought about Minhyuk’s hot breath on his skin, his sweet moans and the taste of his smooth lips he had wanted to kiss over and over again. He could feel Minhyuk’s soft skin below his fingertips, how skillfully he had moved his body on…  
  
  
“Jesus Christ!” he admonished himself before he had to take care of an oncoming boner - once again, as if the one he had had during his drive home hadn’t been enough - and reached out for the blow dryer instead to get his hair in place before he started to shave.  
  
  
One scrutiny on his watch he had placed next on the sink made it clear for him that there would be no time for a walk in the park this morning - today of all days when he could have really needed a moment of peace to clear his head. But it appeared that after his encounter with Minhyuk nothing would be like a walk in the park at all.  
  
  
With the towel around his waist he strolled over to the kitchen, not caring that his wet feet left footprints on the white marmoreal floor - at least his maid had something to clean for real this time. His apartment was tastefully decorated with only the best furniture - a mere leftover of his ex-wife's profession as a visual designer. She had carefully planned their whole apartment, what color would have been the best, how the furniture had to be arranged to present the room optimally. Hyungwon had liked to watch her working with such great passion and he still thought that she must’ve been the happiest while being creative and of course he missed her sometimes. They had spent time together, had lived together, had shared intimacy, surely nothing someone could erase so easily.  
  
  
He couldn’t prevent the thought process to happen as he stood there inside his black high gloss designer kitchen that was unforgivable for any kind of fingerprints and left alone for the pure purpose of cleaning and to never use it ever again. There wasn’t any unnecessary equipment standing around on the counter, nor was there a bowl of fresh fruits or anything else colorful and fresh since Hyungwon was a picky eater and barely ate at home but in various kinds of restaurants.  His maid would sometimes bring him flowers and a jar full of homemade cookies that would serve as an indicator that in this picture-perfect apartment was indeed housing a living human being. She would always emphasize that Hyungwon would find the right person to share his life with very soon. Maybe she would think differently if she'd known about the pure mess of feelings inside of him.  
  
  
Hyungwon's thoughts went back to the random collection of furniture inside of Minhyuk’s apartment that clearly hadn’t screamed the word _luxury_ into his face, by far not, and yet it had given him the impression that it had broadcasted much more life. That his apartment was indeed a place to stay, a _home_ , even if it was chaotic and worthless in the eye of every rich person. And even though Minhyuk had been perfectly aware that this must have been the case, he had invited him into his home anyway. He imagined Minhyuk inside his luxury apartment, clearly out of place but he surely couldn’t care less when he would make himself comfortable on his couch, letting out a cute chuckle before he would reach out for Hyungwon’s tie, pulling him down to kiss him and rip his designer clothing off his body.  
  
  
He slowly sipped his water out of a glass, he had taken out of the cupboard to flush down the pain medicine so he would survive whatever it was he had to survive today - since he still wasn’t aware of his appointments. With a heavy sigh, he placed the half-filled glass of water on the counter and walked over to his bedroom to get dressed and offer the world and his colleagues at least this usual distant image of him even if he wanted to crawl down under the covers to hopefully feel more alive after he would wake up again after a thousand years of sleep.  
  
  
The high collar of his white shirt and the deep-blue tie were thankfully covering up the hickeys on his neck and the moment he closed the single button of his jacket and eyed himself from head to toe in the mirror, he was back to be the man he should be. A successful businessman, who was in control of every single part of his life - an image that covered up the truth underneath perfectly well.  
  
  
When he looked at himself like this he could see his father right in front of him, who was always dressed in the finest suits, his hair perfectly arranged and his face slick. A man that would step into a room and emit authority, never leaving behind any kind of doubt that he knew perfectly well what he was doing. Since his father was a luxury real estate handler, he made Hyungwon come with him to see clients from a very young age so he would learn how to read and talk to various kinds of people.  
  
  
 _“Son, the most important thing is to read people. To really understand what they’re looking for and to find out what it is they desire in life.”_ his father would always say. He had taught him how to speak properly to clients, to really listen to the nuances of what people were saying and how to use his body language. Hyungwon had learned from a very young age to be like his father. He was sent to the top schools for his education and his father would make sure that Hyungwon was always on schedule and would behave as he should instead of playing with other kids outside. As a result, he had had a phase where he had tried to rebel against him, had skipped classes and his grades went down to mediocrity. The way his parents had punished him hadn't been physical but psychological and he didn’t know if this hadn’t been the greater punishment since it still affected him after all these years. He was an adult but never free from the chains that kept him in place.  
  
  
While his mother was crying a lot, trying to talk to him, asking him what she could do to bring Hyungwon back on track, asking him what she had done wrong to deserve this, his father had shown him his embarrassment very openly.  
  
  
 _“I’m disappointed. You get everything you need and you throw it away and for what?”  
_  
  
 _“We do everything for you and this is what you give us in return?”  
_  
  
 _“Image what our business partners are going to think.”  
_  
  
 _“Don’t you want to be a role model for your little brother?”  
_  
  
Maybe _everything_ they had given him wasn’t enough because it all lacked at one point: Hyungwon had wished for his parents to actually be there for him, maybe to go on a vacation as a family instead of business trips. Or to have some fun as a family but fun as a family mostly translated to present himself on the parties his mother’s or father’s partners would give. His younger brother had it by far so much easier as their parents didn’t push him all the time but took actually great care of him, loving him, being proud of him and the most important part - forgiving him his failures. He had been one of the best in school too and was now working at their father’s company so of course, he was the better son. He hadn’t rebelled against their father, he was happily married and not divorced and since his wife was pregnant he would never lose his title as the _World’s Greatest Son_. Hyungwon felt helpless as everything he tried to provide for them, for their attention, wasn't good enough.  
  
  
He remembered that one time as he had threatened his father to run away from home and the only reaction he had got was:  
  
  
 _“Go ahead but don’t you come back because you can’t survive on your own. Do you know how your life is going to be without all this? Where do you want to live? How do you want to pay for your education and your other expenses? You’ll be a good-for-nothing without proper education, is this what you want?”  
_  
  
Hyungwon had been so embarrassed by himself and could still feel how hot his cheeks had felt of anger but he had obeyed because he had no idea how to survive without his father's guidance. Without the money and the high standards, his family had provided him with as an act of their parental love. All his presumed to be friends were children of wealthy families and they would probably have the same ideology as Hyungwon’s father so he must not need to try to stay with them for a while.  
  
  
And with that Hyungwon had gone back to his studies to get back to be the straight-A student everyone wanted him to be, so he could wipe away the tears off his mother’s cheeks and the anger and embarrassment out of his father’s face. They were proud of him again, proud of the bright future that was waiting for him not knowing - or maybe ignoring - the fact that Hyungwon felt so indescribable lonely inside that he had thought to kill himself various times but obviously never did, besides he had been too much of a coward to even try. He directed his anger towards other people instead, that made him a tough negotiator - a characteristic Shownu was very appreciative of.  
  
  
But even though Hyungwon had built high walls around himself didn’t mean the part of him that still wanted to change had been erased. It was there, hammering against the walls, screaming at him, would even break free from time to time - like last night.  
  
  
He sighed, walked out into the hall to put his coat and shoes on and remembered, after a moment of confusion, that he had left his bag on the backseat of his car earlier, so he only grabbed his phone, his wallet and the keys to take the elevator down to the carpark before he set off on his way to work. Since he was still early the traffic wasn’t that bad and he had at least some time to grab his usual cup of coffee at the coffee shop nearby the office - of course, he could have made his own coffee to bring it to work but he had enough money to buy his own franchise and therefore he could afford to buy a big cup every single day.  
  
  
The sun hung already bright in the clear blue sky and was reflecting at the windows of the high buildings of the city. A cold breeze hit Hyungwon’s face as he got out of his car in front of the coffee shop to place his usual order shortly after he had gone inside - since he would always order the same and came in every day he knew the staff members very well.  
  
  
“You look tired. All Nighter again?” The young man behind the counter said with a sympathetic smile. There weren’t many customers in line so there was a bit time for a little chat - not that Hyungwon minded. He had shared some pieces of information with this employee in particular over the time so he knew that Hyungwon was working across the park as a CEO and would often stay very late - especially since he got divorced. So it wasn’t an unusual sight of Hyungwon looking drained out and exhausted.  
  
  
“Kind of, yes.” Possibly the only thing that had worked hard last night had been his dick and not his brain but it was obviously better not to discuss this matter with his barista. As he grabbed his wallet and reached out for his money purposefully a big surprise was waiting for him: There was none.  
  
  
“What the…” Hyungwon took a closer look inside his wallet just to come up with the same conclusion, that his money was indeed gone. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a nice deep breath so he wouldn’t run out of the coffee shop to get into his car and beat the shit out of Minhyuk.  
  
  
 _That little bastard! I will skin him alive_ , he thought.  
  
  
“Is there a problem?” The man behind the counter asked concerned as he watched Hyungwon, whose behavior was clearly different from usual. But as Hyungwon opened his eyes again and placed his card on the counter with a fluent hand movement he didn’t ask any further since he must have noticed that Hyungwon wasn’t going to give him an answer.  
  
  
This day couldn’t get any worse - or so he thought at least as he put his card back into his wallet and waited for his coffee. He looked out of the floor-to-ceiling windows to his left, facing the park. He needed to get his money back and hopefully this Hippie bastard would be there at the market again at lunchtime to sell his candles. With a murmured _Thank you_ Hyungwon grabbed his cup and left the coffee shop to get on his way to the office.  
  
  
He sat inside his car for a while as he had parked in the underground carpark, rubbing his temples with his fingers to ease his nerves. No mind-blowing sex in this world could possibly compensate for the annoyance and the trouble Minhyuk provided him with right now. Why was it that his dick would always drag him into trouble?  
  
  
“This isn’t happening.” Hyungwon growled and reached for his coffee to take a sip before someone else caught his attention, knocking against the window of the car door. There he was, the radiator of creativity and good mood: Hoseok. Clearly, his relationship with Kihyun didn’t drag him into that kind of trouble but provided him with a fresh natural glow.  
  
  
Hyungwon opened the car door after Hoseok had stepped back to let him out.  
  
  
“Wow, what happened to you last night?” Hoseok asked and Hyungwon wondered if there was something written all over his face that indicated that he had smoked marijuana for the first time in his life and had sex with a stranger that literally milked him dry. Since Hoseok was the only close friend he had, well, the only friend he would tell his problems to it shouldn’t have been an issue for him to tell him about last night. Although, he really hated the feeling of being scammed like this, the feeling that he had been careless and out of control - exactly that feeling he had enjoyed the most the previous night. But everything looked different in the bright daylight.  
  
  
“I had sex. Don’t ask.” Hyungwon muttered, took his bag from the backseat and walked with Hoseok over to the elevator. He wondered why Kihyun wasn’t with him this morning because he knew that they’d often stay at each other's places overnight and come to work together. But as usual, he didn’t ask for information about Hoseok’s sex life since the man would provide him with news about it without asking anyway.  
  
  
“Was the sex that bad? I’m so sorry.” He sounded apologetic and caring.   
  
  
The tone of Hoseok’s voice made it pretty obvious that he wanted to know more about this incident and none of the scenarios in his head would possibly contain drugs and Hippies but someone Hyungwon had met at a bar or maybe someone from the company - since Hyungwon was obviously married to his job and wasn’t going out much it was just a plausible solution that he had maybe met someone here and tried himself in casual office sex. Well, Hoseok clearly thought that this kind of sex was very thrilling, especially during work hours.  
  
  
“It was bad.” he said at least as they had stepped inside the elevator, watching the doors closing in front of them. They didn’t say anything over the ride up to their floor, especially as the elevator started to fill up with more people. Hyungwon and Hoseok parted at the floor of their firm to move to their offices after the latter had informed him that he wouldn’t be able to grab lunch together since he had an appointment.  
  
  
Hyungwon tried to stay composed, moving on with his all too familiar way of living his life but somehow everything was different and he didn’t know why. It had been a mistake to go out with Minhyuk, a brief moment of negligence and the desire to be close to someone in a physical manner. These kinds of things could happen all the time to anyone and yet there was no need to interpret too much into this particular situation. But Hyungwon did because he was perfectly aware of the fact that he was his biggest enemy. That he could destroy everything he had with one wrong decision and he had to restrain himself, bring himself back to on track. He wasn’t going to play nice when he would face Minhyuk later that day and it didn’t matter if he would see him ever again - the main thing was to get his money back and to move on with his life.  
  
  
As usual, his secretary found her way into his office to inform him of today’s schedule, remembering him repeatedly of his business trip and to hand him various documents he had to review and sign. Well, at least this would distract him enough until lunchtime when he had to take care of his private business issues with Minhyuk. Hyungwon was lucky enough that there were no meetings he had to attend today and professional or not, he wouldn’t have known how to face any clients today without getting fired right after the meeting.  
  
  
After his secretary had left, Hyungwon sank down on his chair and got to enjoy the silence in the room at least for one moment before something at the corner of his desk caught his attention.  
  
  
“Oh, for God’s sake.” He grabbed the package of the joss sticks harshly to cast them into the last drawer on the right side of his desk and shut it soundly. One moment without this guy was all Hyungwon needed, no, he needed him out of his mind, erase him to not lose his sanity over the anger he felt - the anger and the thoughts of his naked body riding his cock or the thoughts of his lust drunken eyes as he was getting fucked on the kitchen counter.  
  
  
Hyungwon slapped himself on the neck and rubbed his face a few times to get these thoughts out of his head and make room for the charts, articles, and documents he had to check. He successfully managed to focus on his work without further thoughts of distraction including the handsome Hippie in any kind. It was a quarter after one o’clock when Hyungwon got up from his desk to went out on his mission, convinced that his life would go on normally as ever after that. Since Hoseok was out for an appointment, there was no need to ask him if he wanted to grab lunch together - they’d always ask each other no matter what.  
  
  
He toyed with the idea of having a nice walk in the park and just forget about his stolen money and Minhyuk but this wasn’t just about the money, this was about his ego and his pride as a man so the walk had to wait. As opposed to the day before, he didn’t stroll through the market and walked straight over to the place where Minhyuk’s sales stall had been and he was lucky enough to find him exactly there - happily smiling like the sunshine warming up the cold autumn air. He was dressed in tight blue jeans, another colorful bandana was wrapped around his head. The wool poncho from yesterday was wrapped around his shoulders, over a black shirt with a print saying _Make Love Not War._ This was obviously a wish Hyungwon couldn’t relate to at the moment as he stepped in front of him, stone-faced and full of anger, ready for war without any trace of love.  
  
  
“Hey, there.” Minhyuk greeted him with a warm smile in no manner distracted by Hyungwon’s angry face.  
  
  
“I want my money back.” Hyungwon stated clearly, was even more enraged of Minhyuk’s carefree attitude towards him and his possessions.  
  
  
“Normally men would be so much more relaxed after I had sex with them.” The smile was still on Minhyuk’s face as he stepped around the table and right in front of Hyungwon, taking the wind out of his sails.  
  
  
“Excuse me? Do you think this is a joke? I don’t care how many men you already fucked and scammed over but believe me when I say that you’re going to hear from my lawyer.”  
  
  
“Oh, jeez.” Minhyuk laughed, clearly unconcerned by Hyungwon’s harsh words. “I invested your money in your own interest. I’m sure you can’t say no to a good deal when it’s in front of you.” His hands slowly traced over the soft cloth of Hyungwon’s coat but its owner took a step back from him, keeping him at a distance - right the opposite of what he did last night when he couldn’t be close enough to this man.  
  
  
“What do you mean _invested_? In drugs?” he said the last part of his sentence a bit quieter, looking around to make sure no one was eavesdropping or paying them too much attention. This clearly wasn’t going the way Hyungwon had hoped for and it showed once again how incalculable Minhyuk was and that he couldn’t handle him like he handled his business partners.  
  
  
“I guess you have to stick with me if you want an answer to that question.” Minhyuk stepped closer once again and leaned in so their lips were barely millimeters apart. “You’re so hot when you’re enraged. I can’t wait for you to fuck me again.”  
  
  
Hyungwon stared at Minhyuk and didn’t even dare to breathe. Who allowed this guy to be that brazed and sassy and overwhelmingly self-confident? He was taken aback from the way Minhyuk approached him, getting close to him and hit the nail right on the head when he assumed that Hyungwon wanted to have sex with him again. No, he didn’t want to - at least that’s what his mind told him, shouted at him over and over again, while there was also the urge to kiss Minhyuk and to show him that he was way better than the guy he had been with this morning. Minhyuk was obviously way better in reading him than Hyungwon could ever imagine, while he had no idea how to handle this Hippie.  
  
  
“What makes you so sure I would want that?” he said after Minhyuk leaned back a bit, trying to make his voice sound composed and strong even though he felt uneasy all of a sudden, hoping that none of his colleagues or another employee of the company would see him with Minhyuk. What would they think of him?  
  
  
“It’s part of your investment and I’m pretty sure you don’t want to waste it. Let’s have dinner tonight.”  
  
  
“Are you insane? First, you steal my money and now you want to have dinner? It’s not working that way.” This wasn’t happening. Just the mere attempt to understand what was going on inside of Minhyuk’s head lead Hyungwon’s calculation to a big fat error. What was he thinking? But Minhyuk was just smiling confidently at him, looking at him with his big hazel brown eyes and that adorable uneven blink he hadn’t recognized the day before, though that didn’t come by surprise considering the fact that they had been inside a poorly lit bar and were high on drugs just after that, fucking like the world was going to end.  
  
  
“Do you want me to wait in front of your company or…?”  
  
  
“I pick you up at seven-thirty.” Hyungwon was growling not hiding his annoyance. This just couldn’t be real. Minhyuk couldn’t be real! No man on this planet could be as damn manipulative as him. It appeared like he knew exactly that Hyungwon was fearing someone might see them together and was now enjoying to play his little games with him.  
  
  
 _Fine_ , Hyungwon thought.  
  
  
He was going to play along until Minhyuk would show him whatever he had invested his money in and no longer than that. They would never see each other again after that - but some small voice inside his head already told him that things wouldn’t go down that easily.  
  
  
“I’ll be a good boy for you tonight. I promise.” Minhyuk winked and blew a kiss at him before he walked behind his sales stall again to greet another customer that Hyungwon hadn’t noticed before.  
  
  
This whole situation was literally fucked up and Hyungwon felt helpless for the first time in his life. Sure he could call his lawyer but then he had to explain what had happened and this clearly wasn’t an issue he wanted to discuss with a man that was first of all the lawyer of his family and secondly a close friend of his father. The horror Hyungwon felt imagining his father would find out about all this was immense. No doubt, he was an adult and was living his own life and theoretically could do anything and everything he wanted but his family had a reputation and the name Chae was a very big deal that was only underlining the importance of Hyungwon’s bad habits, to destroy his own life and the good name of his family, to stop.    
  
  
Minhyuk didn’t seem to be interested in his money at all as much more in sleeping with him - which could be described as quite flattering for a man and his potency but Hyungwon was too aware of the fact that his dick wasn’t the only one Minhyuk seemed to enjoy. He walked away from the sales stall, not knowing where he wanted to go since the knot of problems he had tied for himself had only increased instead of disappeared. What was just wrong with him? Hyungwon had no problems with using his words mercilessly to crash the arguments of important people, clients, reporters, members of the board and so on but all his knowledge didn’t seem to work on this bright smiling man with his colorful bandana.  
  
  
Hyungwon couldn’t figure out what Minhyuk was doing to him that literally made him speechless. He was just easily getting inside his head, breaking through the armor of his image as a CEO, through the designer clothing and his status that had always protected him, exposing that side of him he was so eager to hide in the dark. _Declining_ \- that what he should have done. Declining Minhyuk’s offer and give up on the money, a sum that was - by far - only peanuts for him. But no, instead he wasn’t able to let go on the matter and was jumping right at Minhyuk’s little tricks that threatened to shock his whole world, not leaving one stone unturned.  
  
  
There was nobody else but himself he could hold responsible for and it was exactly that circumstance that bothered him the most. He was making bad choices and instead of stepping away from it, as usual, he was taking another step forward, right into the center of the chaos. Sometimes Hyungwon wondered if he was a bit suicidal and masochistic or his dick was just getting the best of him from time to time.  
  
  
As sat down in one of the restaurants near his company and placed his order, he was asking himself where would they even go for dinner tonight? Every single one of his favorite restaurants could be excluded since he didn’t want to risk to be seen by one of his business partners or other employees of the company since many of them were regulars there. His fingers tapped on the table, that was covered with a white tablecloth, lost in thought as this was obviously not a regular date with one of the women or men he was usually seeing. Could it be even described as a date? Wasn’t it more a meal with a stranger that scammed him?  
  
  
Minhyuk didn’t even belong in his world and everybody would see that. They would take one look at them and would start to whisper behind their backs, asking what a man like Hyungwon was finding on someone like Minhyuk. Speculations would come up why someone like Minhyuk, that clearly didn’t belong inside the higher circle of society even dared to step foot inside a high-class restaurant with his knitted poncho and worn-out shoes. Hyungwon could feel how the aching in his head started to spread as he continued his thoughts. The other guests in the restaurant would feel uneasy, would decide it was inappropriate for Minhyuk to even be there and eventually one of the waiters would stop at their table to ask them to leave and Hyungwon would feel embarrassed.  
  
  
He couldn’t have that and just thinking about it filled him up with embarrassment. The fear about his reputation was crawling up on him and he felt nauseous all of a sudden. This guy didn’t belong into his world and he had to think about the consequences it would have for him, for the good name of his family, if anyone would find out about them. No one around Hyungwon could know about them and even though people had seen them inside the Hippie bar together, dancing and kissing, who were they that anyone would believe them?  
  
  
“Is everything alright, sir?” With a confused look, Hyungwon tilted his head to look up at the waiter that was standing next to his table, a black polished serving tray on his arm with - probably his - order on it, a concerned look all over his face.  
  
  
His fingers had clenched the tablecloth in a tight fist and Hyungwon let go of it as soon as he realized his tension and inadequate behavior in public.  
  
  
“My apologies. I was just in deep thought for a moment.” he excused himself and smoothed the cloth out so the waiter could place his plate on the table right in front of him, earning a slight smile of understanding from the man.  
  
  
“Please enjoy your meal. Don’t hesitate to give me or my colleagues a sign if there’s anything else we can do for you, sir.” The young man said, took a slight bow and stepped away from Hyungwon and back through a large brown wooden door, where he assumed was the kitchen. He looked after him for a while before he set his focus on the grilled shrimps in front of him. Why couldn’t he meet someone that was well-mannered? Someone that would fit perfectly next to him? Someone that wasn’t as rude as Minhyuk but not as cold as his ex-wife for example.  
  
  
Even though he loved grilled shrimps it tasted fad inside his mouth this time, too nervewracking were the thoughts inside his head concerning the dinner with Minhyuk tonight and what his options were to hide the fact that he would be sitting at the table with a Hippie. Well, he could just bring Minhyuk to his apartment and order food, same the other way they could go to Minhyuk’s apartment - but considering the fact about the scene on the kitchen counter that had been revealed to Hyungwon this morning and the possibility of smoking weed again he dismissed this option right away.  
  
  
Considering Minhyuk’s character, he surely wouldn’t let him get away with just ordering food. Hyungwon could already see this cheeky smile as he would tell him that he wanted to eat inside a restaurant. Well, what other options were there left for Hyungwon in that case? Driving far out of town with Minhyuk to a place where hopefully no one would recognize him but Hyungwon quickly dismissed this idea too since he had to go to work tomorrow and couldn’t drive unnecessarily through the night. Maybe it would be for the best if they would go on a little shopping trip so Hyungwon could at least buy Minhyuk one or two things to reevaluate his appearance so he would fit inside the world of the wealthy and rich. That he was even thinking about buying the guy that had stolen his money clothes made him question his sanity once again.  
  
  
But if he was absolutely honest Hyungwon didn’t think Minhyuk would let him do it and it was just understandable considering that he wouldn’t change from a businessman to a Hippie either. This wasn’t him, neither was Minhyuk a part of his world and had his own reasons for living like he did but still - he had to find a solution for this problem, for the mess he found himself in and it became clear that maybe Minhyuk didn’t care what other people might think of him, Hyungwon did even if he reassert that he was an independent man that made his own decisions and had his own free will.  
  
  
“Christ.” he murmured as he desperately tried to wrap his head around the fact why he couldn’t be just thankful for the life he had instead of running around with a loaded gun in his hand. Well, for the record everything went all like sailing in peaceful waters until he had met Minhyuk, even his divorce was uncomplicated and now he was unable to keep this freak away from him.  
  
  
Since there was no solution in clear sight, Hyungwon decided to deal with this problem later when he would pick Minhyuk up. As flattering as it was that Minhyuk wanted to sleep with him again, he couldn’t understand why. No, it wasn’t like Hyungwon thought he was bad in bed, absolutely not, but the fact that this guy obviously had many other interested parties available to pleasure him made it kind of unnecessary to keep Hyungwon close.  
  
  
Or maybe he was just making fun of him, because he could see right through Hyungwon, laughing about him with his friends over the pathetic finance CEO that wanted to impress a pretty nobody like Minhyuk. But what did he know? He had been thinking about their social differences just a few moments ago because he felt ashamed of the thought to be seen with him in public, although, he couldn’t deny that he felt very attracted to him.  
  
  
He sipped on his glass of water and looked out of the window. The restaurant was on the second floor, and he had a good view over the park from here - the pretty side of the park with the colorful autumn leaves covering the grass in front of the lake, that had the form of a kidney. Hyungwon hadn’t been aware of its shape at first, but when he had looked down on the lake from the window of his office shortly after he had gotten the job, its true shape had been revealed to him. Not that he was taking special interests in the shape of lakes in a park but since he was walking around it almost every day he felt some kind of connection to this place. No doubt, it was a place to relax, a place where he could take a deep breath before work, enjoying his coffee and the feeling of being free and less claustrophobic. Never had he been there with his ex-wife or with anyone else because he needed this for himself and no matter the season the park was always flattering his eyes with its magnificent calmness and beauty.  
  
  
After a careful look at the time his watch was showing, telling him that his lunchtime was nearly over but providing him with enough time to get back to the office, Hyungwon got up from his table to walk over to the cashier to pay. He really welcomed the workload that was already waiting for him on his desk as he stepped back inside his office. Work had always helped him to get away from the problems he couldn’t solve. Yes, it often served him as a valve to cover up for his emotional instability but wasn’t it exactly that his parents had taught him? No matter how desperate he had reached out for their hands, for their love they would reject him and only when he had shown them how capable he was, how much potential he had, how successful he was, only then, they’d be proud of him.  
  
  
And maybe that was the mission his unconsciousness had saved. That was the fuel that was keeping him alive, kept him going without questioning the nature of this drill. But the person Hyungwon was, feared the person he was with Minhyuk because this person was just as dangerous, as unpredictable as Minhyuk and he couldn’t say for sure if he would be able to handle his own problems. His real enemy - himself.  
  
  
  
  
“It’s late. You should call it a day.” Before Hyungwon even had the opportunity to look at the time again his secretary knocked at the door to ask him to go home. She’d always do that even if she knew that Hyungwon was going to decline most of the time with a soft smile, telling her he would just finish this one report. Since he had left the office yesterday she might kept her hopes up that her boss would come to his senses and take a break from time to time to at least sleep in his own bed instead of with the head on his desk or on the black leather couch that was standing in the middle of the room.  
  
  
“What time is it?” Hyungwon asked the question more addressed to himself than to his secretary as he looked down on his watch and, with a panicked expression on his face, he had to discover that it was already past seven-thirty.  Thunderstruck, Hyungwon got up from his seat and snapped the file shut he had been working on - much to the amazement of his secretary that was still standing in the door, observing his behavior carefully.  
  
  
“I forgot something.” In a hurry, he grabbed his bag and reached for his coat on the coat rack that was placed next to the door. He hesitated for a brief moment to look at the woman in front of him, looking at him in confusion and great concern.  
  
  
“Thanks for your hard work. You can go home too.” Hyungwon gave her a slight smile and walked out in the hall to catch one of the elevators. One part of him was hoping that Minhyuk was already gone and he never had to deal with him again - even though it would have been very regrettable in terms of his lost money. But there was another part of him, a smaller voice that was hoping Minhyuk was still waiting for him, that he was aware of the responsibility and importance Hyungwon’s job as a CEO came with, although he was praying that Minhyuk hadn’t the nerve to wait in front of the company building to expose him.  
  
  
He walked over to his car and threw his bag on its usual place on the backseat before he started up the engine to drive out of the underground carpark and over to the park where the market was placed. Hyungwon slowed down the engine so he was able to watch out for Minhyuk and it didn’t take him much time to find the person he was looking for - he looked different, was dressed differently than the last time he had seen him during his lunch break.  
  
  
Hyungwon stopped the car and watched the young man walking around it. The passenger door opened and one moment later Minhyuk was sitting right beside him, dressed in a black coat, with a colorful shirt underneath. The tight black pants were perfectly covering his petite legs and his shoes looked as fancy as the rest of his outfit. Minhyuk looked not the slightest like the man he had met just yesterday, he was well dressed, a layer of discreet makeup on his face and the only thing that was left from his Hippie image was the bandana around his head - although it clearly looked like a piece of Versace.  
  
  
“You went shopping with my money.” was the first thing Hyungwon said after he had stared at him for quite some time - speechless and overwhelmed by the fact that he really liked what he saw. Minhyuk just looked stunning.  
  
  
“I assumed that you’d be quite uncomfortable if I was dressed any other way.” Minhyuk grinned at him and leaned over to kiss Hyungwon’s plush lips, not bothering about any boundaries. And just considering the last night and this morning, there was possibly nothing Minhyuk was really ashamed of.  
  
  
“And it was my own money so don’t bother.” he added nonchalantly leaving Hyungwon dumbfounded behind.  
  
  
His own money? Hyungwon doubted that someone living inside an apartment with shabby furniture and colorful cloth hanging from the ceiling could afford high priced designer pieces like the ones Minhyuk was currently wearing. He was selling candles at a market and was not working for any well-known company but maybe he had just stolen the money from another man he had fucked, playing his little games until he was tired and moved on to the next. Hyungwon exhorted himself not to get carried away by these superficial thoughts and it was him that felt ashamed as Minhyuk had seen right through him once again as he said:  
  
  
“Wow, you really think I’m just fucking around and scamming every rich man walking by my stand.” He sounded amused and in no way offended, so Hyungwon apologized immediately, clearing his throat and directing his car on the street again.  
  
  
“Where do you want to have dinner?” he asked instead, his voice sounded much more composed while the colorful lights of the nightlife of Seoul were passing them by. Somehow Hyungwon felt pathetic because Minhyuk’s appearance made it so much harder to stay angry at him. It obviously wasn’t his agenda to expose him in front of others but to have fun with him, although the question remained: Why him? Hyungwon wasn’t exactly what one would call a fun person and he was the total opposite of Minhyuk with his carefree attitude.  
  
  
“French cuisine would be nice.” Minhyuk said while he searched for another radio channel - of course, he wasn’t asking at all if it was okay with Hyungwon and he let him.  
  
  
“Hm.” There weren’t enough words to describe Hyungwon’s confusion as he sat there, eyes fixed on the traffic and his head full of questions he wanted to ask the man next to him. He didn’t know what he had expected but clearly not this. It appeared that this man was going to end him with all his secrets. Maybe he was a murderer too and had a knife inside this Balenciaga bag he had placed on his lab. And why was he thinking about that now? He really felt like a thirteen-year-old having his first date that wasn’t even a date.  
  
  
Minhyuk didn’t prevent himself from singing along with the music that was playing on the radio and Hyungwon had to admit that he had a nice voice but he didn’t say anything the entire trip until he parked the car outside a French restaurant. He had only been here one time two or three years ago and as far as he could recall the food hadn’t been that bad at all so it should be fine. The risk of meeting someone here Hyungwon knew was very low, though Minhyuk was looking like he was fresh out of a fashion magazine and no one would assume that he wasn’t part of their social circles, so even if someone would recognize Hyungwon they would praise him for his excellent taste.  
  
  
They got out of the car and Minhyuk hooked into Hyungwon’s arm the moment he had stepped over to him so they entered the restaurant giving the impression that they were a couple. Hyungwon didn’t know what to do with all of this. Everything with Minhyuk was too far off the ordinary life he was living, even though they were dining inside a fancy restaurant, an environment Hyungwon was familiar with. A waiter was showing them a table for two at the far end of the restaurant with a nice view over the nightlights and as they sat down Hyungwon took a moment to look at Minhyuk.  
  
  
He looked so beautiful. Not that he had looked less adorable yesterday without the makeup and the expensive clothing, but it clearly left an impression with everyone - even the waiter. Minhyuk was taking the menu with a smile and was about to say something as Hyungwon cut him short.  
  
  
“Why would you do all this? I don't understand what kind of game you're playing.” Perhaps it came out much bolder than he had anticipated but this situation - sitting here with a man that had stolen his money and that he had just met yesterday couldn’t be covered up by the mere fact that Minhyuk was playing a charade for him. Maybe nothing on him was real.  
  
  
“You clearly think too much about the circumstance that we’re coming from different worlds and my life is not good enough for you. Because you’re judging me for the way I dress and live and don’t bother to deny it.” he stated calmly and switched over to the next page on the menu without looking up to Hyungwon, who felt his cheeks getting hotter by every second.  
  
  
“You must’ve thought about various scenarios how this dinner was going to be, where to go so that no one would see you with someone like me. You like money and you like to be in control so I assume you could’ve just let it go as you discovered I stole the banknotes out of your wallet, especially after you saw me this morning with another man and yet you came back and I can tell you why: Curiosity. Because you want to know if there’s more out there but your job and,” Minhyuk looked up from the menu, closed it and placed it on the table.  
  
  
“The most important thing is you already know I can give it to you, even if you can’t admit it to yourself yet.”  
  
  
Before Hyungwon had the chance to defend himself, the waiter had materialized right next to their table again, taking Minhyuk’s order and looked over to him in expectation, so he ordered the first thing that came to mind and waited until the waiter was gone. Hyungwon felt ashamed to hear those words out of Minhyuk’s mouth - to hear him saying out loud what he had thought the whole time but he was surprised by the way Minhyuk handled it. He wasn’t angry, nor did he felt less of value in front of Hyungwon and the way he was talking was just as different as his appearance. Who was this guy that seemed to know him so well, better than anyone else without knowing him at all?  
  
  
He tried to calm the heat inside his head with a glass of water, that had been placed on the table by the waiter shortly after their arrival before he straightened his posture again.  
  
  
“I have no idea what this is, okay? And no matter what kind of game you’re playing here, as soon as you showed me what you invested my money in, I’m gone. Do you understand?” He still tried to defend himself even if he felt that he was the one that was wrong and out of arguments. Hyungwon tried to win a fight, without knowing anything about his enemy and he was too proud and stubborn to allow this other curious part of him to get to know Minhyuk better.     
  
  
“Sure.” Minhyuk smiled knowingly and Hyungwon felt it too - the _lie_. The simple fact that all this wasn’t going down the way Hyungwon wanted it to but the way Minhyuk wanted it to be. That he was out of control and curious about what’s to come as well as frightened that his life was going to change in a way that was irretrievable.  
  
  
“But you know? Things aren’t always the way they appear to be and all that glitters is not gold.”  
  
  
He was right. Minhyuk clearly wasn’t the way Hyungwon had imagined him to be - not at this moment where he was far away from the expectations he had had before. He had thought Minhyuk would be like a black sheep amongst the high society and that he would never dress differently so Hyungwon would feel better. God, he really needed a glass of wine but since he had to go home after the dinner it was out of option. They ate in silence after the waiter had served their orders and Hyungwon couldn’t stop himself from looking at Minhyuk from time to time. What would happen afterward? Would they go to Hyungwon’s place to have sex?  
  
  
According to Minhyuk’s own words, he wanted the sleep with Hyungwon again and the fact that the CEO had been thinking about him sprawled out on his couch should have been indication enough that both parties were interested. This whole situation with Minhyuk was so absurd since it wasn’t following any rules at all and Hyungwon liked to be prepared for all contingencies but this was just random. It was chaos and Hyungwon tried to keep himself in place so he wouldn’t lose his balance sooner or later. It’s been only two days and nothing was the same anymore but he knew his desire for Minhyuk was pretty real.  
  
  
  
  
After Hyungwon had paid for their dinner he took Minhyuk with to his place and even though they hadn’t talked about it, he was sure that this was exactly what Minhyuk wanted, considering that he had placed his hand on his crotch while Hyungwon had tried to focus on the traffic. Everything Minhyuk did to him was so new, so thrilling and dangerous and Hyungwon was so hard by the time he parked the car in front of his housing complex and looked over to Minhyuk, his eyes dark of lust and desire.  
  
  
“Is this your definition of being a good boy?” Hyungwon asked in a strict manner as he leaned back on the driver's seat, watching the shadows dancing over Minhyuk’s face, which could only be seen because of the dim light of the streetlamp.  
  
  
“I must have forgotten about that part.” Minhyuk said innocently, biting his lower lip, while his fingers were still eagerly rubbing Hyungwon’s hard-on through his pants. “But I’m pretty sure some punishment might help me to remember.”  
  
  
A _mistake_. Minhyuk was a mistake - at least that what Hyungwon had wanted to make himself believe just this morning. Yes, he was dangerous. A dangerous threat for the life he was living and for the clean facade Hyungwon was showing to the world but he couldn’t help it to sink down into the experience with him. And the more he was fighting against him, the more he dragged him into it, _intoxicated_ him.  
  
  
There were no drugs necessary that night as Hyungwon started to kiss Minhyuk inside the hallway of his apartment, while both their hands were pretty busy in taking their clothes off. He had tried to convince himself that it had been a one-time thing and that the weed had made him do it, but there was nothing inside his system but the thought of Minhyuk’s naked body inside his bed, that gave Hyungwon his high. He was so captivating. He was his drug and the taste and the warmth of his lips was something Hyungwon couldn’t get enough of.  
  
  
Everything was different for Hyungwon behind closed doors. He was different when he was with Minhyuk and there was no time to think about the consequences when Minhyuk’s lips tasted so good, so sweet. He needed more. More of him. More of this feeling of being different. Being someone else and not caring about it. Hyungwon couldn’t stay composed when he was with him, couldn’t control himself and was craving to give in to the rush that was running through his veins, lighting up the fire that was already burning inside of him.  
  
  
The world, the rules, the eyes of expectations of the society, the tightness of the suit covering his body like a suit of armor, it was all gone and Hyungwon felt at peace - at least for a moment. A moment he wanted to feel for all eternity. A moment he never wanted to end as his fingers traced down the smooth skin on Minhyuk’s back, feeling him shiver in excitement right under his touch. It didn’t matter who he was, where he was coming from if he was wearing designer clothing to fit next to Hyungwon to save him from the embarrassment of the world or selling candles at the market wearing shirts with slogans about love and peace.  
  
  
He had wanted to skin him alive as he had discovered that he had been scammed but reality was again far away from it, as everything he wanted to do with Minhyuk’s pale skin was to kiss it, mark it with his teeth like it was a map leading him to a secret path of happiness and fulfillment he had been searching for all the time.  
  
  
Who could Hyungwon held responsible for this time? He was doing another step forward into the chaos, climbing over the walls he had built so carefully over the years to shut this part of him out of his life. Walls that were supposed to let situations like this ricochet. Walls that were supposed to prevent the beast inside of him to destroy everything, but one look inside of Minhyuk’s lust drunken eyes was everything that was needed to let go of the leash that was holding him back.  
  
  
“Get down on your knees.”  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always welcome! thank you for reading my crap :D 
> 
> the shrooms will attend soon enough I promise
> 
> Twitter: @crimson_chou


	4. Chapter 4

A trace of clothes was left behind starting from the hallway to Hyungwon’s bedroom, like a newly created path underlining the fact, that one failure with Minhyuk hadn’t been enough. It was similar to the way his ex-wife had discovered him with her brother, with the difference that he wasn’t hurting anyone but himself with his actions. Somewhere deep down Hyungwon knew this was another bad decision, that the only person he was hurting was himself and regret with a touch of self-hatred would fill him up the next day.  

 

He knew all of this perfectly well but seeing Minhyuk kneeling down before him on the white carpet in front of his bed, undressed except for the black-yellow bandana around his head, rubbing his wet tongue so skillfully around his hard cock was like he was high on drugs once again. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that Minhyuk was just a scammer, someone far below his status Hyungwon couldn’t find it in him to stay away from him. Like a hurricane, he had marched in on him during lunchtime but all his authority, all his strategic thinking seemed useless the moment he was facing Minhyuk as this man left him speechless by just smiling at him.

 

There were so many questions he had for example where Minhyuk had invested his money in or how in God’s name could he run around selling candles and was wearing designer clothing just a few hours later - without buying it from Hyungwon’s money as he had claimed. Of course, it would have been an option for the CEO to just ask him nicely during dinner but the way they had spent their time eating in silence hadn’t been as awkward as Hyungwon had imagined. Quite the contrary. And maybe it was hard for Hyungwon to admit it but the way Minhyuk cared about his fears of getting exposed to the world by dining with a Hippie inside an expensive French restaurant was something he couldn’t be thankful enough.

 

The light inside his bedroom was slightly dimmed and Minhyuk’s features were only advantageous accentuated by it - as if this guy hadn’t been handsome enough before and Hyungwon couldn’t find it in him to hate him, to stay away from his charm. His hand was buried in Minhyuk’s black hair and he only intensified his grip as he started to deep throat him like it was nothing. His mouth was so warm and wet, his tongue was pressed so delicately against the underside of his cock like a soft, warm pillow and not to forget the way Minhyuk was hollowing his cheeks, sucking on him, making this filthy noises that only made him harder without much effort.

 

His ex-wife had never been interested in giving him a blowjob as she found it _Against nature_ or simply _Unnecessary_ and she hadn’t desired Hyungwon going down on her too - they simply had sex, planned and predictable. Although, the first thing her brother had done was going down on his knees to worship his cock with his hands and his mouth and Hyungwon remembered how surprised he had been not only by the fact that this guy was totally into sucking hard cocks and getting fucked by them but that he had had no problem at all betraying his own sister. To be fair, they weren’t necessarily close but they would help each other out if it was needed - well, if someone looked at it that way then his ex-wife's brother had been just helping out with meeting marital duties and obligations by taking care of Hyungwon’s orgasms.

 

But compared with Minhyuk, his ex-wife’s brother had been a total saint, not because Minhyuk was a Hippie, wild and unpredictable but just thinking about the way they had had sex the previous night was as surreal as a painting of Salvador Dali - a painter best known for the striking and bizarre images in his work. Of course, they had smoked weed and everything had appeared just so bright and colorful and visionary, while the sex had felt like a divine revelation so there wasn’t any assurance that it would feel like it this time too.

 

A low growl left Hyungwon’s lips and he closed his eyes, concentrating on not to fuck or cum into Minhyuk’s perfect mouth. Yes, he wanted to fuck his mouth, hard, spill his cum deep into his throat and watch him swallow it, looking up at him like this innocent sweet boy with his big brown eyes. Instead, he opened his eyes wide in shock pushing Minhyuk’s head back out of reflex.

 

“Be careful with those teeth, dammit!” Hyungwon looked down on Minhyuk, how his chest was raising and lowering itself and how chastely he was looking up at him, biting his lower lip before he grabbed Hyungwon’s hand unconcerned and moved his fingers to his lips, slowly tracing his tongue around them, sucking on them as he had done right before with his cock.

 

Why was he such a fucking tease? And why did he look so sinful and forbidden hot while he swirled his tongue playfully and very obviously around Hyungwon’s fingers?

 

“Am I not a good boy for you?” Minhyuk softly bit on the fingertip of Hyungwon’s index finger and he seemed to feel very comfortable in his role as the little scammer, provoking Hyungwon even more with the result that it only turned the latter on even more. He was knowingly doing it on purpose, making sure that Hyungwon was hard for him to please him by giving him the illusion that he was still in control.

 

Hyungwon’s eyes were hanging on Minhyuk’s tongue and his pink lips glistening with spit, so kissable, so forbidden and perfect that he had to do something to show him that they were still playing by Hyungwon’s rules this night. He withdrew his fingers from Minhyuk to grab him hard on his jaw, leaning down for an open-mouthed aggressive kiss, before he ordered him to get on the bed - and of course, Minhyuk did get up from the floor to sit down on the soft king-sized bed without complaining. In fact, he sat down right in the middle of the bed, his legs widely spread, while he had placed his hands on the mattress for support.

 

He just couldn’t believe this. Not just the fact that there was indeed a Hippie inside his bed that might or might not be far below his standards - he couldn’t be sure anymore - annoying the shit out of him, but said Hippie also fitted so perfectly into the scenery that was offered to Hyungwon, looking so stunning and ready for him, that his mouth felt dry all of a sudden. It wasn’t the kind of dry feeling of cotton candy on his tongue like he had experienced under the influence of marijuana, but the feeling of being very _very_ thirsty - and he was definitely dying of thirst if he wasn’t going to fuck this beautiful man within the next few minutes.

 

“You’re unbelievable.” Hyungwon scoffed and shook his head in disbelief as he reached inside the drawer of his bedside table to grab a condom and a bottle of lube to kneel down between Minhyuk’s welcoming spread legs just moments later. There was still this challenging smile on Minhyuk’s lips as he looked hungrily in Hyungwon’s eyes, shifting his weight on his left hand and used his right one to delicately suck and lick on his fingers before he traced them over his bare chest, and further down between his legs, circling his fingers around his entrance fully satisfied as Hyungwon followed his hand with his eyes.

 

“Why don't you skip the prep and punish me just like this?" Hyungwon licked over his lips unconsciously, his mouth felt so dry like the Gobi desert as he watched Minhyuk inserting one of his fingers into his tight entrance.

 

"It won't be punishment when you enjoy it that much." he said huskily his mouth felt so dry but he couldn't take his eyes off Minhyuk's sinful body, his milky skin shimmering in the dim lights, the way his hard dick was resting on his stomach and of course his finger slowly pushing in and out of his entrance. Fuck, everything he wanted was to thrust his hard dick deep inside of him, making his toes curl in pain and pleasure but he didn't want to hurt him because in Hyungwon’s opinion both parties should have fun when having sex.

 

Minhyuk hummed sweetly before he pushed a second finger inside his tight hole and growled deeply from the back of his throat sending a new wave of heat down Hyungwon's spine and directly into his throbbing cock so the CEO had to wrap his hand around himself, stroking his cock slowly to ease his own pain at least a bit. He could see how much Minhyuk liked it to watch him touching himself, waiting for him to give in and drill his petite body into the mattress.

 

"Did you wish that you had fucked me this morning? Standing between my legs, pounding into me hard and fast?" Hyungwon stopped the movement of his hand and felt the embarrassment crawling up again because he had wanted to forget about that and yes, he had wished to be that man between Minhyuk's slender legs, being the reason he moaned so loud, begging for more, begging to come. They had seemed familiar to each other and it probably hadn’t been the first time for Minhyuk to be with this man - but couldn’t he have waited until his one-night-stand had left? Considering the current situation of Minhyuk and him naked on his bed, the description _One-Night-Stand_ was obviously off the table.

 

“It’s not-...”

 

“He’s always so good to me you know? His dick is so big and hard and he just can’t hold back once he’s inside of me.” Minhyuk cooed, biting his lower lip while he thrust his fingers deeper inside and was obviously thinking about the way his roommate used to fuck him. There was one part of Hyungwon that wanted to know who this guy was and if he maybe was Minhyuk’s boyfriend and they had some kind of open relationship arrangement and there was another part of him that became angry and impatient because he was the guy with a hard-on kneeling between Minhyuk’s legs ready to make him scream. And for whatever reason Minhyuk wanted to sleep with him instead of this tall guy with his superior dick, Hyungwon wouldn’t let it slide so easily this time.

 

Hyungwon abandoned his own dick to grab Minhyuk’s wrist, stopping him from pleasuring himself any more and leaned down to kiss this spiteful grin off his lips. This Hippie really needed someone to show him some boundaries, to show him who the boss was. He wanted punishment for the way he was pushing Hyungwon further and further off the cliff? Sure, he could have that.

 

“Turn around.” Hyungwon commanded him and watched Minhyuk willingly turning around with a victorious grin on his lips and getting on all fours for him, serving him his delicious ass on a silver platter. He didn’t waste more time and ripped the package of the condom open to roll it over his dick, stroking himself a few more times as he rubbed the thumb of his other hand over Minhyuk’s entrance.

 

Everything he experienced with Minhyuk was exciting and new and so thrilling and it didn’t come by surprise that he had never fucked a man before without prepping them, but just feeling how tight he was under his touch, thinking about how these tight walls would squeeze him, sucking him in made him shiver in anticipation. Hyungwon reached for the bottle of lube next to him on the bed, to generously cover his dick with it and moved closer behind Minhyuk, now using the tip of his dick to rub it over Minhyuk’s entrance, making the man under him already arching his back.

 

“Don’t make me wait so-...” The rest of Minhyuk’s sentence was swallowed in a loud and surprising moan while he already sank down on his forearms because Hyungwon had thrust his full length inside of him in one go.

 

“God, you’re so tight.” Hyungwon pressed the words out between gritted teeth, sinking his fingers hard into the flesh of Minhyuk’s hips to keep him in place, closing his eyes for a moment to gather himself and to prevent coming right into his sinful hole. This was definitely a whole different kind of experience, feeling Minhyuk’s tight walls squeezing around him so hard like they wanted to get rid of an unwanted intruder. And everything Hyungwon wanted was to thrust deeper into him, make his blood boil and hear it rushing louder in his ears. Yes, he felt drunk and high just without any substances inside his system, just because of this perfect and toxic man right under him that was pushing him, dancing around him until there was no self-control left inside of Hyungwon’s body.

 

And as the CEO opened his eyes, exhaling haltingly he knew that these feelings were already overwhelming - but still not enough. He looked down on Minhyuk willingly kneeling before him, waiting for his punishment and his eyes wandered up to the bandana still wrapped around his messy hair. Just looking at it reminded him of the previous night. How Minhyuk had him chained up on the bed to ride him like a wild rodeo bull and how indescribably stimulating it had been and after all this teasing it was definitely time for Minhyuk to feel out of control.

 

Hyungwon was just too aware that it probably had been his intention to get dominated by him, to feel some kind of stimulating and thrilling helplessness but he didn’t care, not at this moment, because he wanted to see Minhyuk like this too and he wanted to feel in control, feel the power over him. Moreover, he wanted to make sure that Minhyuk would never forget the way Hyungwon felt inside of him, filling his system up like a drug, providing him with the best drug he had ever had in his entire life. He didn’t know why it was so important to him to prove himself to Minhyuk but he couldn’t stop himself anymore so he reached out for the bandana and grabbed Minhyuk’s hand one after another to tie them down behind his back, leaving him only on his knees, unprotected.  

 

“I knew this was your kink.” Minhyuk said panting heavily a grin painted on his lips, his upper body resting on the mattress and his sweet ass completely exposed and in the hands of Hyungwon’s mercy.

 

“Just shut up for a bit will you?” Hyungwon leaned down, whispering his warning in a deep masculine voice inside his ear, making the man under him shiver and biting his lower lip, clearly impassioned by the way he was being manhandled. There clearly was no patience left inside of Hyungwon at this point and he slowly licked over Minhyuk’s ear before sat up and pulled his dick completely out of him again, leaving the man whining by the sudden emptiness.

 

“You’re so needy.” Hyungwon said with a grin on his lips, watching the way Minhyuk’s stretched muscles were pulsating because of the lack of his cock but before he even had the chance to compose a proper response, Hyungwon already thrust himself back inside of him feeling his walls welcoming him even more desperately this time. There was no other impulse left inside of him, just the need to fuck this man under him senseless, making him scream his name regardless of his neighbors. Neither his ex-wife nor her brother had been loud during sex but Minhyuk definitely was and it would have been a lie if Hyungwon had said he didn't enjoy it that way

 

Hyungwon grabbed Minhyuk’s hips once again and started to thrust himself roughly into his insanely tight hole, moaning in pleasure and relief since it was Minhyuk’s fault alone that he was hard since their car ride to his apartment and he wasn't willing to hold himself back anymore even if the foreplay and the sex with Minhyuk was so overstimulating with a clear mind that he was wondering how he had survived fucking him over-sensitive from a single touch alone thanks to the marijuana. And then he thought about this guy from this morning, how he had been pounding his big hard cock inside of Minhyuk's glorious tight hole unable to hold himself back, unable to stop himself because Minhyuk felt just too good around him. How often had Minhyuk already spread his legs for him?

 

He couldn't stop imagining both of them undressing, touching each other desperately longing to feel each other, to connect their bodies and fall into a rhythm of passion and pleasure. The guy was pushing himself balls deep into Minhyuk over and over again, making his back arch, making him whimper and scream in pure pleasure, making him feel good the way his big cock was stretching him that it had been just a logical consequence for them to do it over and over again regardless of having fucked other men just the night before. And his mind went on, imagining himself in a situation where he hadn’t run away but had stepped inside the kitchen to fuck Minhyuk senseless, oversensitive after this guy had finished him.

 

And it was just because of Minhyuk’s loud whine that he came to realize that he was pounding into him so aggressively and relentlessly, squeezing the air out of Minhyuk’s lungs and slowed down for a moment to give him a short break. Hyungwon reached out for him to stroke a few hair strands out of his beautiful face, that looked even more delicate with his cheeks flushed red and his eyes filled with lust and desire. Minhyuk’s tense fingers slowly relaxed around the bandana and he closed his eyes for a moment, looking nearly unable to process the way Hyungwon manhandled him.

 

“Don’t stop, please. It’s so good.” Minhyuk gasped as Hyungwon hit that sweet spot inside of him, making his legs shiver and his eyebrows frown, was it even more intense to get fucked so ruthlessly without any preparations - except for the lube. When Hyungwon looked at him like that, there clearly wasn’t any doubt that he loved it to be with him, that Minhyuk wasn’t thinking about any other man but was enjoying the moment he had with Hyungwon. He slowly traced his hand over Minhyuk’s back, and finally took his time to really appreciate his body, the way his spine was craved, how sweet his voice sounded with every moan that left his pinkish lips and how perfectly his sweet ass was presented to him, taking him in, welcoming him with every deep thrust.

 

Why was he so drawn to this man? He could possibly have everyone he wanted just with the snap of his fingers, maybe not for a relationship because he seemed to be unable to truly commit himself to someone like Hoseok did with Kihyun, but for nights full of hot relaxing sex. Although, he simply wasn’t interested in it without this certain kind of thrill. Was Hoseok feeling the same rush running through his veins when he was with Kihyun?

 

The further Hyungwon wanted to push Minhyuk away the closer he was pulling him, well, in this case, he was grabbing his silky black hair to pull him up so Minhyuk was kneeling in front of him, panting and whining because of the rough treatment. He stopped his movements for a moment to kiss over Minhyuk's shoulder, tasting the salty skin under his tongue before he sank his teeth into it, sucking on it to leave another mark on his body.

 

"You like it like this, don't you?" he murmured in a deep masculine voice against his burning red skin, kissing further up to his jaw, using the hand that had been buried inside his hair just seconds before, to wrap his fingers around Minhyuk's delicate neck, getting even more aroused as he felt him shaking in excitement, committing himself to him.

 

"Please. I need more." Minhyuk pleaded under his breath, was even trying to move his hips to pleasure himself on Hyungwon's hard cock, but the latter grabbed his hip with his other hand to hold him in place, prohibiting him any kind of control.

 

"More like this?" he asked amused and squeezed his fingers around Minhyuk's neck, making him gasp in surprise all while he pulled himself out of him leaving only the tip inside before he buried his cock deep inside of him again with one hard thrust.

 

"Y-yes! Please!" Minhyuk pressed the words huskily over his trembling lips, catching for breath, desperately trying to move his hips or to break his hands free - all without success. The way Hyungwon treated him was just too good to be true, so intense and definitely worth all the previous teasing and the CEO had had a feeling that Minhyuk probably knew that this was coming for him, that this was the kind of man Hyungwon was under his suit and tie. He wasn’t perfect nor flawless but it simply didn’t matter because it felt so right. It felt like him, felt like _freedom_.

 

“You really are a good boy after all.” Hyungwon whispered inside Minhyuk’s ear and started to thrust inside him once again, hard, his mind clouded from the arousal and the indescribable heat he felt around his cock. The harder he fucked him, the more he squeezed his fingers around Minhyuk’s neck, cutting his windpipe short of air, enjoying the suppressed moans leaving his lips and the trembling of his body that was already so close on edge, ready to reach his climax untouched.

 

Even without the drugs inside his system, it became harder and harder to stay focused, was Minhyuk squeezing his walls around him even more now that he was enforced breathing, wheezing, desperate to catch his breath, desperate to reach his climax and lose his mind completely. He was a drug himself, intoxicating Hyungwon’s whole system, rushing through his veins, into every corner of his being and he was just defenseless, bare without all his perfect walls around him.

 

Instead of finishing him off hard and fast, Hyungwon decreased his pace, aiming for Minhyuk’s prostate with every deep thrust, although it was nearly painful to hold back any longer. He wanted to cum and he needed to cum, but Minhyuk should never forget the feeling of his cock inside of him, should feel empty without it, craving for more.

 

“Hyungwon…” Hearing Minhyuk hoarsely moaning his name, was the last straw that broke the camel’s back. He fucked him with jerky and hard movements until he reached his climax with a silent scream, gasping for air and a single tear was running down his cheek as the feeling of passing out became nearly unbearable. All, while he spilled his cum over his stomach and Hyungwon’s white sheets.

 

Hyungwon pressed his face into the curve of Minhyuk’s neck as his own climax hit him hard, catapulting him up into the sky, letting him see bright stars dancing behind his closed eyelids. He was so deep inside of Minhyuk and he couldn’t believe how perfect it was, how perfect their bodies fit as if everything they experienced together was just a fever dream but Minhyuk was still there when he opened his eyes, leaning against him, filling his lungs with air again after Hyungwon had let go of his neck.

 

He looked exhausted, with his eyes closed, his body all sweaty but with this red blush on his face and this magnificent after-sex glow that made him even more beautiful. For a moment, Hyungwon wrapped his arms around Minhyuk’s body, providing him with comfort even if they were still nothing but two strangers, fucking each other's brains out. They kissed slowly and tenderly as Minhyuk had turned his head to look at him with this irresistible soft smile and _oh_ , how hard it became to hate this man at this point, Hyungwon thought.

 

Hyungwon reached out behind Minhyuk to loose the knot on the bandana to free his hands again, while their kiss still lasted for a few more moments. Their lips tasting each other over and over again, relentlessly. He slowly slid his soft dick out of Minhyuk after they had broken their kiss and got up to get rid of the used condom in the bathroom, that was integrated into his bedroom. His ex-wife had wanted two bathrooms, but a divorced single man with two bathrooms was just ridiculous.

 

He resisted the urge to look at himself in the mirror, not yet, not now. This wasn’t a part of him Hyungwon wanted to face, was it not the perfect image of his father he would be looking at. He preferred to just feel it, knowing that the shame would haunt him soon enough. Still, the problem was that every time he was stepping out of line it felt just right and dangerous at the same time and it wasn’t any different at this moment.

 

His good resolutions to dismiss Minhyuk as a one-time thing, a simple mistake he had made because he had to fill the emptiness inside of him that maliciously lingered behind the darkest corner of his mind were completely void at this point. Why couldn’t he just let go of this man and why wouldn’t Minhyuk just let go of him? There was no need to think about this now since he wouldn't come up with a plausible solution and he simply let out a sigh as he stepped into the bedroom again.

 

“Don’t you want to take a shower?” Hyungwon asked, looking at the naked body on his bed. Minhyuk had his head comfortably bedded on one of the soft squishy pillows, smiling at him satisfied but clearly tired. He had to admit that he liked the whole view of it, the way Minhyuk looked post-coital, this beautiful man spread out naked on his bed, waiting for him.

 

“Later.” This probably meant he was staying over tonight and Hyungwon couldn’t find it in him to just kick him out as he had with his ex-wife’s brother or other people he had been sleeping with over the years, so he just walked over to the bed and sank down next to Minhyuk to stare at the ceiling. He didn't comment on Minhyuk turning around, snuggling his head on his naked chest, looking up at the ceiling as well.

 

The atmosphere was calm and relaxing quite the contrary of what Hyungwon had expected it to be but there had been a comfortable silence between them during their dinner at the French restaurant too - which proved once again that he couldn't trust anything what he believed was going on here.

 

"You are really annoying." Hyungwon said and didn't even realize that his fingers were playing with Minhyuk's hair, caressing his fingers over his scalp and his neck, the delicate neck he had marked before.

 

"Must be your charm that makes me drawn to you." He could hear the amusement in his voice and tried his best not to grin but kept his pride hidden inside. Hyungwon felt Minhyuk's fingers around his own, placing both of their hands on his chest. It was such a peculiar situation that he was lying in bed, again, with the man that had stolen his money after they had had sex, again. Sometimes, and recently a lot, Hyungwon was asking himself if he was even thinking straight and was mentally able to make the right decisions for his life because Minhyuk seemed not to be one of them. And still, it was already so hard to let go of him.

 

“What about that roommate of yours?” No, he shouldn’t involve himself into casual conversation with the enemy in the form of a very handsome Hippie that was after all an imposter and a scammer and definitely impenetrable for him. And so far he had been very strict about shutting Minhyuk out, not asking him anything personal to prohibit himself from eventually liking him. But the truth was, just being here with him, staring at the white ceiling, talking and feeling each other's warmth after sex was the most intimate thing he has ever done with anyone.

 

Even though he had been married, there had been no real connection between them, as soon as it was over, she had gone to her own bed and Hyungwon had just done the same to her brother, sending him away after the rush and the excitement had been over. He couldn’t even recall some kind of real connection to anyone he had had been with before his marriage and it somehow left the impression that every kind of love he wanted to share was just cold and distant. He offered others the same cold he felt inside but Minhyuk didn’t freeze, didn’t stay away but remained annoyingly in place, teasing him with his warm, welcoming smile.

 

“It’s just an arrangement and some kind of stress relief.” Minhyuk laughed before he hummed and took Hyungwon’s large hand inside his own to look at it more closely, running his fingers over his palm, his knuckles, the wrinkles, and veins. “I was looking for an apartment and he was searching for a new roommate and the flat viewing started basically with him showing me his bedroom since we became so horny just looking at each other. We’re close friends now, having really good casual sex.”

 

“Then why are you annoying me if it’s not for the sex or the money? You pointed out to have your own money to buy very exclusive clothing.” Hyungwon abandoned the ceiling to look at Minhyuk, how carefully he was observing his hand, how warm his fingers felt on his own. Nothing made sense with him, but the chaos felt good somehow. Minhyuk’s presence felt good.

 

“Personal interest.” Minhyuk said without hesitation and brought Hyungwon’s hand to his soft lips, bit one of his fingertips lightly and took his finger inside his mouth, sucking on it and caressing it with his tongue which slightly filled Hyungwon with a new wave of arousal. He couldn’t take his eyes off him, wasn’t even disturbed by the fact that Minhyuk was giving him only such vague answers regarding his interest in him while he could probably talk about the sex with his roommate forever.

 

“What might that be?” He already felt the lump in his throat just watching Minhyuk sucking on his finger and he couldn’t resist to offer him another one, before Minhyuk was releasing his fingers to get up, making himself comfortable on Hyungwon’s hips.

 

“That, you have to find out for yourself.” Minhyuk smiled and leaned down to kiss Hyungwon’s lips, tracing his hands over his slim body, down between his legs to wrap them around his cock, stroking it until it was fully hardened again. Hyungwon ran his hands over Minhyuk’s smooth thighs, picking his fingers into it to pull him closer, while their tongues were busy dancing with each other, battling for prevalence. There was no control, not over his mind nor his own body when he was with Minhyuk and it felt like heaven and hell at the same time. It was just _madness_.  

 

“Haven’t you had enough?.” Hyungwon murmured against his red kissed lips, sucking on his lower lip but couldn’t help himself to move his hands higher up to place them on Minhyuk’s fine ass.

 

“Never, Hyung Won.” he purred and shifted his hips a little so Hyungwon’s hard cock was now placed between his ass cheeks and the pure sensation of it and the way Minhyuk was emphasizing his name kept him by surprise. Minhyuk sat up again, moving his hips so Hyungwon’s cock was rubbing up and down between his ass cheeks and more out of reflex, he used his hands to press them even more around his cock, feeling the heat of Minhyuk’s entrance he was longing for.

 

Just looking in Minhyuk’s glassy, seducing eyes and the way he was licking his lips, already hard again and ready for another round of satisfying sex made it clear for Hyungwon that there was no exit, no need to fight a losing battle and just surrender and giving in to the scandalizing feeling of lust and desire he had for this damn Hippie.

 

“Fine.” Hyungwon let out a sigh, a mix of pleasure and annoyance before he reached out for the lube that was still placed beside him on the bed and flipped them over, so he was kneeling between Minhyuk’s spread legs, hovering over him with his eyebrows frowned.

 

“You’re just unbelievable.” he added in a low growl after he had arranged another condom and covered himself with lube.

 

“But you love it.” Minhyuk grinned unbothered and used the bandana to swing it around Hyungwon’s neck, pulling him down for another breathtaking kiss, that was smothering their moans as Hyungwon thrust himself back inside of him.

 

 

The all too familiar sound of his alarm announced that it was already time to get up again, leaving the tranquil warmth of his bed to force himself into a suit and tie, reviewing articles and negotiate with clients. It felt like he had just slept for an hour and it clearly wasn’t enough. After he had blindly groped for his mobile phone on the nightstand, he dismissed his alarm with a grudging sigh before he became aware that something was different. Hyungwon asked himself if this particular difference was important enough for him to open his eyes right away, ensuring that everything was still the way it should be.

 

Although, he felt that this particular anomaly was getting closer, was warm and comforting as it snuggled against him and for a moment he allowed himself to just give in to it, enjoy the relaxing atmosphere that he was provided with on this sunny morning until…

 

Until the fluffy clouds of his dreamland moved aside so his sharp mind could kick in and take over the leadership once again. His worst fear was confirmed as he opened his eyes and the first thing that was offered to him was the silky black hair, smelling of cherry blossom shampoo, and of course the belonging person in form of this annoying Hippie that was starting to function as an unremovable stain inside his most expensive designer shirt.

 

Minhyuk had his arms wrapped around him, his cheek cozily bedded right under Hyungwon’s chin, definitely awake thanks to his alarm but obviously unswerving and more interested in staying in bed a little longer. It immediately struck him and now he remembered why he was so tired and why it felt like he hadn’t had enough sleep because they had sex till early in the morning and Hyungwon had insisted for them to at least take a shower before they went to sleep. This man gave him so many first times and all in just a few days that it nearly frightened Hyungwon that he wasn’t doing anything about it but give in every single time.

 

First of all that he had stepped inside a Hippie bar for him, had smoked weed for the first time in his life and had fucked him while they had been high - chained up on the bed. It was the first time that someone had robbed him and the first time that he couldn’t figure out what this person wanted from him and not to forget: It was the first time in general that he wasn’t waking up alone but that there was indeed another warm body pressed on his own and it almost felt like this situation offered a lot more intimacy than just people having really hot and dirty sex.  

 

Hyungwon had to call himself to order, that this man was just a scammer and a nice fuck, playing his little mind games with him no matter how good it felt to lay with him in bed. He had been on the loose and now he had to put up his iron walls again, being a functional human being, presenting the image the world wanted to see.

 

“Let go of me, will you? I have to get ready for work.” Hyungwon said, sounding reserved and was already grabbing the covers to get up. He wasn’t looking at him, wasn’t showing any reaction of the cute whining and complains of this beautiful man inside his bed because if he had he would have leaned down to kiss him, would have touched that smooth skin and feel Minhyuk’s hands in his hair while they kissed.

 

“You’re not a morning person, are you?” Minhyuk complained, the last reminders of sleep still audible in his hoarse voice as he grabbed one of the pillows, that smelled like Hyungwon, to wrap his arms around it instead, unwilling to get up himself.  

 

“Just get yourself dressed before I have to leave.” he sighed and walked over to the door to use the other bathroom to shower and get ready. It wasn’t necessary to treat Minhyuk like this but he couldn’t trust himself with him, had to make sure that he stayed composed instead of staring at his flawless face, remembering how good his body felt under his own and how erotic his voice sounded when he was moaning his name.

 

He knew it wasn’t fair and Minhyuk was still a human being that wanted be get treated fair like anyone else but Hyungwon felt conflicted, even more than yesterday morning and it wasn’t getting any better so that he was wondering how long he could keep this game up without hating himself even more. His heavy steps lead him through the hall before he froze and stared at the woman inside his kitchen, preparing cleaning products on the counter.

 

“Mrs. Minji? You’re early today.” Normally he was at work when his maid came to take care of his apartment. Hyungwon looked down on himself to make sure he was at least more or less dressed and to his relief he was wearing shorts and a big white t-shirt - definitely not the way he was usually presenting himself but she had probably seen worse.

 

“Good morning, Mr. Chae! I told you over the phone a few days ago, that I was coming earlier because of an appointment, did you forget?” She smiled at him softly, like a caring mother reminding her son and sometimes Hyungwon wished his own mother would treat him like this too. Although, when his own mother was asking him about his life he already knew what she wanted to hear and so he gave her the answers that would please her. There was probably no nice way to describe that he got scammed and enjoyed fucking this man instead of walking straight to his lawyer's office so he could take care of this _problem_.

 

“It was today. Sure, of course, please excuse me for a moment.” Hyungwon smiled and turned around to walk back into his bedroom with the greatest urgency, where Minhyuk was still relaxing comfortably inside his bed.

 

“Whatever you do, do not leave this room.”

 

"Why? Don't tell me you're one of those men cheating on their wives because they're secretly gay." Minhyuk frowned theatrically and rolled onto his back but therefore nothing alarming plus he obviously wasn't believing that this was actually the case.

 

 _Bingo_ , Hyungwon thought and stared at Minhyuk in disbelief for a few seconds before he shook his head. Well, it was the truth that he had been cheating on his wife when she was away but he wasn’t secretly gay. He just didn’t care about gender as long as both felt comfortable around each other. Of course, his parents wished it would matter to him, wished that he was attracted to women only even if they didn’t speak it out loud to him, he knew it. The looks they had given him after they found out that he had had an affair with her brother had spoken more than a thousand words ever could.

 

"This is a nightmare." Hyungwon said more to himself and placed his thumb and index finger on the bridge of his nose. His stress level was already going through the roof and he did not even have his morning coffee yet. And under these circumstances, there wouldn't be time for his relaxing walk in the park either - again.

 

"Just stay here until I'm finished." he growled, scanning his mind for a solution as he stepped out of the bedroom, hoping, pleading Minhyuk would just stay inside until he could sneak him out without Mrs. Minji seeing him.

   
  
Sneaking the man he was sleeping with out of his own apartment! What had his life become?

 

Minhyuk didn’t give the impression that he was a Hippie at the moment, no, he looked perfect with his skin glowing like a newborn, his hair tangled and dressed in one of his shirts. But just as he stepped back into the kitchen and saw the clothes over one of the barstools he wanted to die right on the spot of embarrassment. They had started to rip each other's clothes off right at the door last night and it was pretty obvious even for a middle-aged woman, that Hyungwon wouldn’t leave his clothing sprawled all over the floor - not to forget that there was a second pair of shoes at the entrance. It appeared that keeping his little whatever it was with Minhyuk hidden and a secret, wasn’t one of Hyungwon’s strong points.

 

“We all feel lonely from time to time. I prepared coffee for you and your guest” Mrs. Minji said, making a gesture towards the coffee machine, Hyungwon couldn't even remember the last time he had used it, and smiled at him before she walked over to the living room to start cleaning. Whatever it was there to clean because he rarely spent his time here or had guests or friends - read Hoseok - over. She was always so understanding, such a nice woman, always believing in Hyungwon and it made him feel even worse.

 

He closed his eyes once again and took a deep breath before he walked into the bathroom to take a hot shower, rubbing his hands over his face repeatedly, in denial that his life had become a stringing together of unpredictable events. Was he that tired of his monotonous and grey life that he had to conjure up even more chaos that would bring him in unpleasant situations that sooner or later would destroy his life piece by piece?

 

The warmth and excitement he felt whenever he was with Minhyuk were gone again making place for the twist inside his heart and his conscience that was knocking very hard at his door, reminding him of the role he was playing inside the circle of society. He wasn’t the type of man that was sleeping with a random stranger, a Hippie, and got attached to him in a very weird way because under all this confusion it was relaxing being with him and his head felt clear. Hopefully, it was just a transient situation and they both would lose interest in each other, discovering that they were just fooling around, having fun but were too different to keep it up for a greater amount of time.

 

He looked at his reflection in the mirror and turned around so he could observe his back, were Minhyuk had left his marks during their second round last night. Thinking about the way Minhyuk had been moaning his name sent a shiver down his spine and Hyungwon was pretty sure he had done it on purpose to lure him even more out of his comfort zone. Minhyuk was very demanding, knowing very well what he wanted and needed and he made Hyungwon give it to him without complaints. Everything with him was thrilling but the feeling of two worlds collapsing and the discussions of his inner conflict were getting louder and more heated.

 

His mind was alarmed, warning him repeatedly to take a step back but could he? And more important: Was he even willing to take a step back? The only solution he could think of at this time was to talk to Hoseok, already knowing that he was going to stare at him incredulously but he had a feeling that he really needed to talk about this to someone and since Hoseok was the only real friend he had, made him to the certain someone.

 

“Where are you going with this?” he asked his reflection knowing very well that there’d be no answer. It was bad, really _really_ bad and it was even worse than the bittersweet pain was feeling magnificent, making him unable to let go of it quite the contrary he wanted more, _needed_ more. But what would it cost him in the end?

 

Hyungwon sighed again and grabbed his razor to shave before he walked out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his slim hips. Once he would wear his suit and was sitting inside his office everything would be okay, would be normal - at least on the surface, covering up his inner tumult, hiding the bubbling volcano rumbling deep within.

 

Instead of the usual silence when he got out of the bathroom, he heard cheerful laughter from the living room - Minhyuk’s bright, contagious laughter. Shortly after, he could already confirm his previous suspicion as he discovered that the bedroom door was open and the Hippie escaped because of course, why would he listen to anything Hyungwon had to say?

 

“I’m going to kill him. I swear to God.” he growled between gritted teeth but took the opportunity of the empty bedroom to get dressed in peace. It was odd witnessing the exuberant atmosphere in his usually quiet apartment and he tried to remember when his ex-wife and he had just chatted and laughed together as he tied the knot of his tie in front of the mirror. Of course, there had been moments where they had had fun and laughed together and it was probably before they got married, at the very beginning of their relationship. There must have been at least _something_ that had made them stood together for a while but whatever it was, it was gone, lost, and Hyungwon couldn’t stop to sabotage his life even more.

 

Perfectly dressed in his grey armor of Armani, he walked over into the kitchen to get himself a cup of coffee before he stepped into the living room, finding Minhyuk sitting on the sofa with a cup in one hand while he was listening to Mrs. Minji talking about her kids, asking her about it with fondness and interest. He wanted to hate him, he really did but the more he got to know him, the harder it became because he couldn’t be a bad guy showing so much interest in the lives of others. Minhyuk was still wearing that light-blue shirt he had lent him last night, full of wrinkles, with the sleeves rolled up and he must have served himself on Hyungwon’s closet because the black skinny jeans he was wearing, looked totally like the one he owned. This man was just a whole mystery to Hyungwon, a closed book with a title in a foreign language he couldn’t read.

 

Minhyuk couldn’t be real and he really wanted to ask him what kind of charade he was playing with him selling candles at a market, hanging around in suspicious Hippie bars and casually fucking his roommate when, at the same time, he was charming and cultivated, like he was a part of his social circle and at the same time he wasn’t. _Questions_ , there were so many questions surrounding Minhyuk and Hyungwon had no answers for any of them.

 

“Oh, Mr. Chae, what a great young man you got here.” Mrs. Minji said and smiled at him with a spark in her eyes, that was telling him that she really liked Minhyuk - probably even more than his ex-wife, no, _definitely_ more than her. This was bad. He didn’t say anything and preferred to take a sip of his coffee, looking on his watch because he couldn’t get to work soon enough this morning. His eyes wandered over to Minhyuk, who was smiling like he didn’t do anything wrong by revealing his presence so casually to other people in Hyungwon’s life.

 

 _It is just temporary_ , he reminded himself. As soon as Minhyuk showed him what he had invested his money in they were done and would go their separate ways, not seeing each other ever again. Hopefully, this wouldn’t take too long so there was still a slight chance for him to keep everything in order, going back to the routines that provided him with certainty and the misery that seemed not as bad as he felt right now facing this handsome Hippie, that was blowing his mind with his uneven blink and this disgustingly charming smile.

 

“We should go now.” Hyungwon said composed, suppressing the thoughts that this could be a chance for him to sit down for a while, having a little chat instead of rushing off, keeping people anonymous and at a distance. But he couldn’t help it, he had to act rational and keep his emotions hidden even if it meant that people were, in fact, attracted to his appearance but taken aback from his character because he was unable to bond with any of them. He had actually no clue why Hoseok and he were getting along so well and why Minhyuk was so clingy when Hyungwon wasn’t willing to let him in.

 

Well, a part of him was willing to and their sex was probably his way of showing it to him without a single word - besides, Minhyuk wasn’t going anywhere no matter how far Hyungwon wanted to push him since he seemed to have fun by annoying the shit out of him.

 

“It was lovely to meet you, Mrs. Minji. Please have a nice anniversary party with your husband later.” Minhyuk said and got up from the couch, still with the cup of coffee in hand.

 

“Wait, anniversary?” Hyungwon’s eyes widened at this, realizing he had never once asked about the nature of the appointment of Mrs. Minji and he felt a wave of shame flushing over his face because this woman was here working for him instead of being at home making preparations for her own anniversary party.

 

“Why didn’t you say so? You should go home. This apartment isn’t as important as your party, Mrs. Minji.”

 

“Don’t you worry. My husband and I are together for so long now and there’s a quiet understanding between us after all these years, besides you are always so alone, Mr. Chae, I felt the urge to at least have a few words with you, keeping you company in the morning before you go to work.” The maid only smiled, waving her hand dismissively.

 

“But I’m glad you allowed yourself a little rest and the company of this nice young man.”

 

He remained quiet and looked over to said nice young man for a brief moment, that had walked over to him, standing now right next to him with a calm expression on his face, that looked so soft and flawless even without all the make-up on it.

 

This woman worked for him for years and he didn’t know when her anniversary was, had never really asked her about her private life and it didn’t take Minhyuk longer than half an hour to learn more about her. Not only that, Hyungwon was pretty sure that his parents didn’t know anything about their maids and employees they had at home - and many of them were working for his family for years. It was just the way they had lived these values, shown it to Hyungwon that it was perfectly fine to let these people do their work and not getting involved with them on a more familiar level.

 

“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of him so he can relax more regularly.” Whatever that meant. Minhyuk laughed cheerfully and Hyungwon just eyed him out of his peripheral vision, knowing perfectly well what it meant but he would have preferred not to know it since he really shouldn’t get involved with him any further.

 

“Please don’t stay for so long and enjoy your anniversary.” There was a slight smile on Hyungwon’s lips and he still felt embarrassed about this whole situation he really wanted to get away from but before he could even say another thing, the doorbell rang, announcing another visitor Hyungwon hadn’t planned to meet at this time of the day. What was just going on in this household since he had met Minhyuk?

 

Hyungwon hurried to the intercom in the hallway, checking the camera just to see Hoseok was standing in front of the front door, waiting for him to open. What was he doing here? It dawned to Hyungwon that Mrs. Minji hadn’t been the only thing he had forgotten today as he walked over to the door to open it, still with his coffee in one hand.

 

“Hey! Oh God, thank you, I haven’t had time to make coffee this morning.” Hoseok said, in a good mood as always and Hyungwon wondered once again why he wasn’t as relaxed and a beam of light after he had sex. He watched Hoseok reaching out for his cup of coffee to take a big sip from it without hesitation and without asking if Hyungwon minded. There was so much he had to endure recently and he really wanted to close this door right in front of Hoseok, leaving him behind with his cup before he would kick Minhyuk out of his apartment moments later, leaving the two men dumbfounded behind while he would go back to bed, hoping this nightmare of unpredictable events would end very soon.

 

“Kihyun is very busy too and went to the office early so we couldn’t have breakfast together.” Hoseok just went on and stepped into Hyungwon’s apartment, taking another sip, giving Hyungwon the impression that the younger would know why he was here. But the simple truth was: He did not and had absolutely no clue.

 

“Why exactly are you here, Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked, rubbing his fingers over his forehead as he closed the door behind them. Where was all his well-structured life if he needed it the most?

 

“Huh?” Hoseok turned around, looking at him at least as confused as Hyungwon looked at him.

 

“We have an out-of-office meeting with the chief financial officer, we’ve been waiting for for months. Don’t tell me you’re not prepared? Hyungwon!” There was a sudden panic audible in Hoseok’s voice and the importance of this meeting struck Hyungwon like a lightning.

 

“It was today.” he sighed without any kind of emotion, a simple determination.

 

“I’m with you in one minute. I have everything ready.” Hyungwon had no time to think about the fact that Minhyuk was still in the living room and would probably not stay in there and the encounter between him and Hoseok was inevitable. He collected every important file from the desk in his office, making sure he got the USB-stick with the presentation on it he had already prepared a while ago. Thanks to his divorce and the long hours he had spent at the company he had got a lot of work done before the due date and it was exactly this self-destructive work effort that was rescuing his ass right now.

 

But it appeared everything he did was kind of self-destructive since his get-together with Minhyuk couldn’t be described as very healthy either. The chaos around him was still at a state where he was able to handle it, delegate his tasks so at least his work wouldn’t suffer. He remained in the door frame for a while as he heard Minhyuk’s and Hoseok’s voices, both acting very politely around each other but Hoseok was obviously confused and if Hyungwon got it right there must have been a mischievous smile on his colleague's lips. After Hyungwon had claimed that he had had awful sex, the argument wouldn’t work on him this time, not just because of the fact that Minhyuk had stayed the night but because he was hot and charming and everyone seemed to like him.

 

“We can go.” Hyungwon said as he stepped back to Hoseok, trying to act as natural as possible in his role as the man he should be, the intelligent and serious CEO of one of the biggest finance magazines in Seoul. And he had to admit that it was strange to act like this in front of Minhyuk, feeling his inner conflict grow, even more, urging him to step away from this situation. No matter how much Minhyuk annoyed him, he had also the ability to make him feel calm just with his presence near him but he clearly wasn’t a man he could be with as the man he was now. The side he kept mostly hidden from everyone was willing to be with Minhyuk, was willing to let him further in, curious about what’s to come and open for change - but he couldn’t allow this side of him to break free and take over.

 

“You should have told me that you have someone over. I’m glad you gave it another shot, dude!” First of all, Hoseok really should have stopped talking at this point because this whole situation was uncomfortable enough. But at least he wasn’t recognizing Minhyuk as the Hippie from the market and Hyungwon wasn’t even sure if Hoseok or Kihyun had ever set a foot there. The less he knew about Minhyuk the better.

 

“Can we drop you off somewhere at the station or should I call you an Uber?” Hyungwon asked towards Minhyuk, stealing only a short glance of him, trying to interpret his mimic. The Hippie looked calm and was smiling, didn’t look the slightest way offended by Hyungwon’s distant behavior, as he had already expected him to be a different kind of person during the day. Not to mention that he had seen through him the previous night, had seen how uncomfortable Hyungwon had felt only thinking about going to a restaurant with him.

 

“The station is fine.” Minhyuk nonchalantly and picked his clothing off the barstool and stuffed it into his bag and even Hyungwon understood the hint that he wasn’t planning to get out of Hyungwon’s clothes and that if he wanted to get it back another encounter would be inevitable.

 

“Don’t.” He mumbled and glanced over at Hoseok, grinning at him proudly, grabbing his shoulder like a father congratulating him. Maybe being friends with Hoseok wasn’t the best choice and he had to get rid of him like he had to get rid of Minhyuk to finally achieve this life of peace and love.

 

 

 

A few minutes later they were sitting in Hoseok’s car on their way to drop Minhyuk off at the station, which was ideally situated on the way to their meeting. Hyungwon didn’t say a word and looked out of the passenger seat window, while Minhyuk was sitting on the backseat, typing something on his phone. How much he was longing for his walk in the park right now, but instead his ability to take control over his life and his decisions were running through his hands like fine sand.

 

“Thank you for the ride. It was a pleasure to meet you.” Minhyuk was leaning forward between the front seats and gave Hoseok a friendly squeeze on the shoulder that Hyungwon eyed with a frown. Although, before he even had a chance to think about a phrase to see Minhyuk off, he already felt his hand on his cheek turning his head, followed by his soft warm lips on his own.

 

 _Oh God,_ he thought.

 

Hyungwon felt like he was turned into stone, staring at Minhyuk through the windshield as he had left the car and vanished into the crowd. His cheeks felt so hot and he felt embarrassed that Hoseok was sitting right next to him very much excited and ready to squeeze every little detail out of Hyungwon.

 

A signal tone ringed and the CEO checked his phone in confusion, running one hand through his hair, his eyes glued on the screen, that showed a message from an unknown number saying:

 

_“See you later, rich boy.”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all your kudos and comments so far! I really appreciate it uwu
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> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)
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> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	5. Chapter 5

If there was one thing that could be described as equally annoying as Minhyuk than it would be Hoseok’s look of expectancy. Clearly, he wanted to know everything that was there to know about Hyungwon’s lover and the latter had wanted to tell him anyway but not under these circumstances. It was getting more and more complicated as he didn’t even know how to feel about the whole situation. And where did Minhyuk get his number from? Hyungwon’s first thought would have been Mrs. Minji since she had seemed to be very font of Minhyuk and the fact that he was such a polite and handsome young man. First of all, a very unprofessional behavior towards her employer and clearly a violation of her contract but she had done it only with the best intentions, unfortunately. 

 

Yes, he was polite and he was handsome but also naughty and annoying and very occupied with making Hyungwon’s head aching in desperation, looking for solutions to get rid of him. What would happen to his life if he stayed longer with him when everything was dragged down into chaos already? Hyungwon didn’t want to like him, didn’t want to bond with him just because they had mindblowing sex and made him feel less dead inside. And this was probably the biggest problem of all, that there was a part inside of him that enjoyed being with Minhyuk, wanted to get infected by his carefree nature to find something new, something special that would change his life completely.

 

He didn’t respond to Minhyuk’s text, had packed his phone away with an irritated growl, rubbing his thumb and index finger over his closed eyelids, while Hoseok was setting the car in motion again on their way to their meeting. The meeting, yes, he needed to focus on his presentation and reached out for the documents inside his bag, unsuccessfully as Hoseok couldn’t hold it in any longer.

 

“So, I didn’t know you liked the wild ones. How was the sex?” he said with a wide grin on his lips, his eyes fixed on the traffic. 

 

Hyungwon waged out his options as he shot a glance at him. He could just jump out of the car or grab the wheel to steer them into the crash barriers - the second option would probably lead to hurt Hoseok as well and Kihyun would make sure Hyungwon would be reanimated just so he could kill him with his own two hands. Kihyun was scary and dangerous that was a fact and Hyungwon couldn’t risk it so he rolled his eyes and sighed loudly to show Hoseok at least that he regretted all the life choices he had recently made. 

 

“I don’t like him,” Hyungwon cleared the fact out before he added. “But unfortunately the sex is great.” 

 

“I’m so proud of you. You’re too good looking to barricade yourself inside your office all the time.” Hoseok sounded cheerful but Hyungwon could hear the hint of concern swinging in his voice. 

 

It seemed so easy for Hoseok to say that meeting someone would be a good thing for Hyungwon, especially after his divorce. Of course, he knew that the circumstances of how he had met his ex-wife were different from the ones he could meet other people he might actually like. But he hated it, he hated the lack of experience as well as he hated the insecurity he felt meeting with a potential partner. Having meaningless sex with another person meant to keep them at a distance, it meant meaningless conversations, a short moment of feeling the rush, of feeling alive before he’d never see them again. It was calculable, solvable, understandable for him. 

 

But Minhyuk was not like this, and maybe it was the fact that he wanted to spend time with him that was distracting Hyungwon so much and everything he had tried to do so far was to push him away. He couldn’t function like this and he had no idea how Hoseok did it, how he could be so happy and carefree and share his thoughts and intimacy with Kihyun. Furthermore, his situation was more complicated since Minhyuk wasn’t someone that shared his social status, or maybe he did, Hyungwon couldn’t tell for sure anymore since he had seen him dressed in the finest designer clothing the previous night. 

 

He didn’t dare to ask him, needed to keep him at a distance - if that was even an option considering that his cock was always buried so deep inside of Minhyuk whenever they were together, even twice last night.

 

“I’d rather sit inside my office all night.” Hyungwon muttered under his breath and gave it another try to read his documents in peace, signalizing Hoseok that he didn’t want to talk right now. 

 

“Oh, c’mon you don’t mean that.” Hoseok set the indicator to the left and steered the car smoothly into the direction. “Nobody wants to be alone all the time and you should…-”

 

“Minhyuk is not what he seems to be, okay? This is not you and Kihyun. I don’t want to talk about this now.” Hyungwon interrupted him furiously, could feel the anger increasing inside his chest and Hoseok didn’t say anything further and remained quiet for the rest of the drive. He felt sorry instantly but knew that Hoseok wouldn’t hold it against him - Hyungwon couldn’t risk losing the only person that kept him sane. Sometimes he wondered why he couldn’t be with someone like Hoseok, that was understanding and caring and by his side no matter what, though, there had never been any sort of romantic feelings between them and Hyungwon thought a solid friendship was so much more important to him than a relationship. 

 

Work. Work was everything he needed to distract himself. All this nice and sweet-talking was leading nowhere, wasn’t helping, surely because Hoseok didn’t know all the details but also because Hyungwon was desperately trying to renew the walls, trying the built them higher around the uncontrollable person that was rebelling inside of him. He needed to function, to be sharp and prepared, that was all society wanted him to be and even though Hyungwon felt caged, there was a certain kind of security this rehearsed lifestyle was providing him with and he wasn’t willing to give it up.

 

They arrived at the office building and received their guest identity cards at the reception point on the entrance floor before they took the elevator up to the 36th floor to meet with the chief financial officer. His secretary, a very young woman with long silky brown hair and dressed in an expensive Yves Saint Laurent costume, showed them the way to one of the large conference rooms that had already been prepared for them. She gave Hyungwon one of those looks like she was very interested in him and Hyungwon did what he always did - nothing. One could only rack their brains around how he was even able to smile at this damn Hippie and to actually spent time with him. 

 

Hoseok and Hyungwon prepared the presentation and the documents and politely bowed as the chief financial officer stepped in. Perfectly aware that the man wasn’t known for having much time, they skipped the pleasantries and started their meeting immediately. Hyungwon felt confident, knew his presentation forwards and backward and was always ready to answer any kind of questions. They had a short interview afterward, so Hoseok could ask his questions, though, Hyungwon never abandoned his posture, wouldn’t let his guard down for even a second because he knew one flaw on his perfect image could destroy his credibility in front of an influential man like the chief financial officer.

 

“Thank you for your time.” They bowed again and let out a relieved sigh as the man had stepped out of the room, leaving them to pack their things at their own pace. 

 

“Shownu is going to be proud. This is huge.” Hoseok weaved his notepad in his hand before he packed it away in his bag - a really fine high-quality leather bag Kihyun had probably given him as a present. 

 

“It is. We’ve waited so long for this deal to happen.” 

 

He wanted to loosen his tie and get some fresh air. At least they had some time to eat lunch together before they would head back to the office for the rest of the day. The secretary saw them out and didn’t waste time to discreetly hand Hyungwon her number written on a post-it she had stuck on one of the complementary documents they had requested beforehand. She was as straightforward as her hair and it reminded him of Minhyuk who wouldn’t back off even for a second. 

 

"What do you want for lunch?"

 

"Let's go for black bean noodles."

 

Hyungwon hid the number from Hoseok and even considered it to call her as they were back in the car and Hoseok was driving them to the closest restaurant. Although, he wasn't particularly interested in her and she would have soon enough discovered that Hyungwon was just a pretty face and extremely boring and maybe she would have tried to dismiss the talking and to figure out if at least the sex was good. It would have been good and they would have parted in silence after. With Minhyuk, he talked, at least more than with others he had met and he smiled, at least sometimes and he felt under all this annoyance and the anger that he wanted to see him again, touch him, fuck him and just look at him and it just gave him a headache. The one thought that really got stuck in his mind was the way Minhyuk had been holding his hand last night, how he had his fingers traced over his palm, a fascinated glimmer inside his eyes like he was tracing the path on a map that would lead him to a treasure chest of gold. 

 

They arrived at the restaurant and placed their orders. At first, they talked about the previous meeting and the next steps before the conversation naturally went to a more personal level and Hyungwon found himself listening to Hoseok’s exciting voice talking about Kihyun. 

 

“So, we finally talked and we’re officially together now.” Hoseok blurted out, smiling and shining so bright and happy like the sun that was trying to kill him on a very hot summer day. 

 

“It was about time.” Hyungwon mumbled and took a sip from his glass nearly unimpressed before a rare warm smile came over his lips as he looked up to him. “I’m happy for you.”

 

“Thank you.” Hoseok smiled. “Let me be happy for you too.” he added, letting Hyungwon know that he was still there listening to him if he was ready to talk about Minhyuk. And Hyungwon sighed heavily, thankful that Hoseok wanted to be there for him but conflicted and hesitant by his own behavior to keep things to himself, solving his problems in his own ways. He was perfectly aware that Hoseok wasn’t going to judge him, though, opening up, talking about his feelings felt strange to him.

 

A young waitress brought their orders and Hyungwon waited until Hoseok was already shoveling the food inside his mouth before he made up his mind to come clean.

 

“He stole my money and I can’t get rid of him because the sex is too good and I want to know where he has invested the money in.” It was probably for the best to leave the drugs and the fact that Minhyuk was a Hippie out for the moment but Hoseok’s horrified look revealed to him that this whole mess he had dragged himself into was already scandalous enough.

 

“He did what?” Hoseok asked after he had finally swallowed his food, although Hyungwon hadn’t been sure at first if he would swallow it at all before he spoke, placing his chopsticks aside like he wanted to underline his dismay. But before Hyungwon was given the chance to speak, Hoseok added: “Wait, last night wasn’t the first time?”

 

“I am utterly disgusted by myself okay?” Hyungwon frowned, thinking back to the Hippie bar, the kiss, while they had been dancing, the first inhale he had taken from the joint just because he had wanted to foolishly impress him. The breathtaking sex and the rude awakening the day after, that had been only followed by the discovery of his stolen money and the surprise of Minhyuk dressed in designer clothing that again had lead to them having sex. Thinking about it made the argument that he was staying with Minyhuk just for his stolen money sound like a very poor excuse and Hyungwon was painfully aware of that. It also sounded like it was always a bad choice for him to get involved with a man.

 

“But… why would he steal your money? He doesn’t look like he would need it.” Hoseok said wondering because of course, Minhyuk had the ability to fool them all without turning a hair. Hyungwon had been worried about getting seen with a Hippie in public and Minhyuk provided the perfect illusion that he was one of them which undermined Hyungwon’s liability that he wasn’t what he seemed to be.

 

 _Because he is a scammer!_ Hyungwon thought but held himself back speaking it out loud in the restaurant.

 

“He said he invested it in something,” Probably drugs. “And that he had some kind of personal interest in me.” 

 

He absolutely hated the way the words sounded as he spoke them out loud like he was a clueless child that had no experience at all, handling a situation like this and it was - so far - pretty accurate since he really had no idea what to do. And his poor attempts to stay away from him got mixed up with anger leading to arousal and them stripping each other naked and having sex.

 

“I have no idea how you always get involved in things like this.” Hoseok said after he had remained silent for a while, probably thinking about the right way to respond to a situation like this but there was no ideal response and Hyungwon was perfectly aware that he was a walking disaster coming to intimate relationships. 

 

“Shouldn’t you just forget about the money then and stay away from him?”

 

“I know I should and I don’t think it’s just about the money but that Minhyuk is doing something to me. He’s pushing doors open so easily that I had wanted to lock and forget about since I took a peek myself and we both know that was a mistake and ended my marriage. But the more I want to keep him away from me the more drawn I feel to him and it frightens me because I can’t control it.” Hyungwon was poking around in his noodles before he decided to take a bite, maybe to calm his nerves and think about the situation logically. Not with his cock, not with any kind of feelings, only with his brain - and Hoseok.

 

“You know some things can’t be explained with a logical approach. And you're always trying to explain feelings like they are a mathematical problem. As far as I can tell this Minhyuk guy seems to be nice and polite and there's probably a reason you feel so drawn to him but I also understand that you are afraid because you are stepping out of your comfort zone. No, please listen to me," Hoseok said as Hyungwon wanted to interrupt him but he remained quiet and listened. 

 

"I might not know the details, Won, but having someone by your side that actually makes you change mustn’t be a bad thing. Of course, if you think you might change for the worse and abandon your work and your friends I’d say take a step back but if not, there’s nothing wrong with loosening the chains a bit and explore something new.”

 

Loosen the chains would mean, lowering his guard and it would mean that he would be someone else, a man that wasn’t like his father, a man that wanted to try something new and maybe wanted to explore the feeling of making a mistake on his own so he could actually learn from it and more important - get to know this man better he was trying to run away from so badly. But it was, without any doubt, scary.

 

“The secretary gave me her number.” Hyungwon said after a few moments of silence and looked at Hoseok with a grin. 

 

“Wow, must be your bony butt.” Hoseok shook his head and reached out for his chopsticks again. They continued their meal in silence and Hyungwon tried waged his options inside his head, spinning them around, looking at them from all perspectives to find a satisfying answer. 

 

Was he ready to make a change and to really understand this other side of himself or should he play it safe and keep the things he had, keep this slick image his father had given him, building his walls higher? Hyungwon was fully aware that he couldn’t play this game with his inner conflict forever and the only person he couldn’t run from was himself - and unfortunately, he was his biggest enemy at the moment. He wanted to believe that it was Minhyuk, that his life was only changing because of him and everything would have been fine without him but deep down he already knew it wasn’t Minhyuk. 

 

It could have been anyone else, a woman or another man because Hyungwon himself was the actual problem and the fact that he wanted to change, wanted to feel different and to step away from the life he was living right now. He loved his job and would have never met Hoseok without it but he also felt broken and like a doll, society was bending and trimming him so he would fit. There were rules, bullet points he had to fulfill if he wanted to keep his status, his lifestyle, his reputation and at least something to make his parents proud. 

 

But what if he didn’t need all of this to be happy? What if he wouldn’t have been afraid when he was younger and would have actually run away? He was sometimes thinking about the life he could have had if he would have been brave enough. The thing he had never lacked was motivation and he had great power of endurance and still, he had believed his father that he would have become a nobody. And maybe, after all, he was a nobody since he couldn’t tell for sure who he was and defined himself only through his skills and knowledge, his highly paid job, his expensive car, and clothing.

 

Considering the fact that money had never been an issue for his family, it wasn’t anything special anymore and with every day it felt more like a burden - especially since he had met Minhyuk just a few days ago but even before that, the only thing that was keeping him sane was his walks alone in the park, far away from everything else. 

 

For the time being, he would focus on his duties and his job and see where it was going, though, Hyungwon had yet to decide if he was going to answer Minhyuk or not. But he had a feeling that if he wasn’t answering, this annoying Hippie wouldn’t let him breathe in peace either, would maybe show up in front of the company or his doorstep and he couldn’t have that.

 

The two young men finished their lunch and headed back to their company to inform Shownu about the outcoming of the meeting and to provide him with all the necessary paperwork - of course without the post-it with the secretary’s number on it. Hyungwon would keep it at least for now and when he was sitting inside his office to place the post-it inside the drawer, he came across the package with the joss sticks once again. 

 

Minhyuk seemed to be everywhere, even though he wanted to ignore him and lock him away, he still remained there waiting for him when Hyungwon opened the lock again. Everything started with those sticks and something else could start with the number on the post-it too. It was his decision if he would call her and maybe act like a normal person instead of a coldhearted douche that was only interested in the stock market and making money and it was his decision to act as he had always done. And it was the same for Minhyuk, though it was still so different being with him. Opportunities came in various kinds of colors and shapes and for now, Hyungwon kept it open which way he wanted to go when he placed the post-it inside the drawer and moved on with his work.

 

He didn’t call or text Minhyuk and was almost relieved that he hadn’t been texting him either during the day, though, Hyungwon had assumed he would by his superior level of annoyance. But maybe it was just another clever tactical move from him, letting Hyungwon get lured in by a false sense of security before he would materialize in front of him again, leaving him conflicted and in need of a quiet place - preferably his bed, alone. 

 

Out of a habit, he stayed longer at the office than anyone else, making calls, reading papers and signing documents and he came to realize that it was Minhyuk that had made him take a break from work, to see something else as only his office and his desk, to feel something else under his fingertips as just the keys of the keyboard and a pen. And for some reason, it felt strange to take another all-nighter, though, there was nothing waiting for him at home either unlike Hoseok who would go home with Kihyun, holding his hand and looking at him with so much adoration that it nearly became unbearable for outsiders to look at.

 

It was times like these that were the most distracting. Times he really became aware of the fact that he wasn’t just alone but that he felt lonely and that every compensatory satisfaction had its limits. He could bury his problems deep down inside of him, covering it up under work and twisted reasons why he couldn’t meet someone and why he hadn’t had time to go out more often and why relationships only meant distraction from work, but the problem would still remain and it would grow, would knock louder on his door. And thanks to Minhyuk, the nearly became deafening in just such a short amount of time and he didn’t even know him. But somehow he missed his smile, this warm carefree smile. Right now, while he was sipping on his cold coffee, facing the window, though it was already too dark outside to see the park and the lake so everything he saw was his own reflection in the glass and he didn’t like it.

 

“Who are you?” Hyungwon asked his reflection and shook his head, turning his chair around to his desk, placing his cup aside and was about to continue as his phone started to ring. 

 

Hyungwon stared at the display for a while it was a call from an unknown number but he recognized it as Minhyuk’s number, which simply wasn’t saved yet. He waited, unsure what to do, one, two, three rings, before he eventually decided to take the call, although he wasn’t saying anything, was simply waiting for the Hippie to speak. 

 

“Have you eaten yet?” Minhyuk’s cheerful voice echoed through the speaker and made Hyungwon frown, not only because he remembered how loud and distracting he was but also because a feeling was unfolding inside of him, providing him with some kind of relaxation and positive surprise. 

 

“I do.” he lied in his usual distant voice and leaned back in his chair, spinning the ballpoint pen between his long fingers. The only thing he had been consuming since lunchtime was coffee and a few snacks on the side but it probably didn’t qualify as an acceptable meal.

 

“Pretty sure it’s a lie.” he said amused.

 

“What do you want, Minhyuk?” 

 

“The night is so clear tonight you can see the stars in the night sky. Wanna go for a walk and have dinner?” There was something in Minhyuk’s voice, something tranquil and dreamy that was touching Hyungwon’s heart, and if it wasn’t for the fact that he was a scammer and a Hippie he would probably like him.

 

“I’m at home.”

 

“If you want to believe that sure, whatever you say, rich boy,” He was mocking him and Hyungwon could clearly see his face in front of him and the way his lips were turned upward while he was calling him _rich boy_. “But if by any chance you aren’t at home, I’m waiting at the park.” The line went quiet as Minhyuk hung up, leaving Hyungwon behind in the swallowing silence of his office.

 

Hyungwon couldn't resist the urge to go and see him even though it might have been not a good idea considering his fragile sanity. But somehow he couldn't just sit here any longer inside his office and what could go wrong if they just went out for a walk? It was dark outside and the chances that anyone Hyungwon known would see them together were low - low enough for him to take the risk.

 

To prevent any new surprises from happening he checked his schedule beforehand. There had been simply no need to do so since he had been basically living inside his office, without any sense of free time so it was highly unlikely to miss an appointment. But now there was Minhyuk and Minhyuk was more than just distracting. He packed his things and took a stop-off at the washrooms. As he was about to dry his hands he decided to take off his tie, so at least change his appearance just a little bit from formal to casual. 

 

Hyungwon had no idea what was waiting for him since he had seen Minhyuk as a Hippie dressed like he didn't really care what he was wearing and as a really fine man in expensive designer clothing. The wind was chilly that night but still bearable and Hyungwon flapped the collar of his coat higher as he crossed the street to enter the empty park. Empty except for the person that was waiting for him under one of the streetlamps. He was still dressed in Hyungwon's clothes as far as he could see them under the coat Minhyuk was wearing. No headband and just a light touch of makeup this time and still he looked so stunning.

 

"Glad you came." Minhyuk said and held up a bag from a grocery store. "I brought sandwiches and soda."

 

 _Like I had another choice_ , he thought. It wasn't exactly what Hyungwon had in mind as Minhyuk had said that he wanted to have dinner, considering that they went out to a French restaurant just last night but why should Minhyuk make a predictable move in the first place? 

 

He gave back a short nod and a hum to acknowledge it before they started walking next to each other through the dim-lit park. It was much quieter at night, even quieter than during the morning walks Hyungwon would normally take every day. For some reason, Hyungwon wasn’t even alarmed by the fact that it was the first time in forever he was walking this path with someone by his side. He couldn’t tell how he was feeling about all this and had quietly decided to just let it happen until they stopped at the waterside of the lake and Minhyuk sat down on the leaf-covered grass. The usually so bright gold and berry-red leafs now tinted in shades of blue, softly rustling under his feet.

 

“C’mon, sit down.” Minhyuk looked up to him, patting the space next to him but Hyungwon was just staring at him in disbelief before he looked over to the benches a few meters away. 

 

“Can’t we sit on the bench like normal people?” he said frowning, already feeling the regrets coming up that he had agreed to this in the first place. There was no way he would expose his expensive coat to get stained with grass

 

Minhyuk gawked at him, followed by a dramatic eye-rolling before he placed the bag with the sandwiches aside to fish something out of his handbag - the Versace headband he had been wearing yesterday. He unfolded it completely to place it next to him on the grass, providing Hyungwon with a clearly expensive spot to sit on. 

 

“There. Now sit down, your highness.”  

 

The urge increased with every second to just beat this sassy attitude out of him but he kept his mouth shut and sank down on the bandana, which was made of silk and was worth a fortune although it wasn’t his own, but not without making a rumbling sound of disapproval. He was rich, why would he sit on the grass on a clear, chilly autumn night, eating sandwiches with a Hippie, when he could also sit inside his expensive office or lay on his expensive bed? But after Minhyuk had given him one of the soda bottles and three packages of sandwiches, he finally took some time to really look around. 

 

Of course, he couldn’t see much due to the fact that it was late at night, but as he was chewing on his first sandwich, Hyungwon came to enjoy the soft splatter of the lake and the chirping sounds of some insects in the distance. There was the muffled sound of the traffic audible from time to time but only if he was really paying attention to. The few light sources of the street lamps as well as from the office buildings nearby were reflecting on the surface of the lake like it was a mirror made out of black glass. And not only that, he could also see that the moonlight was gracefully adding a soft milky shade to the scenery and when Hyungwon looked up to the sky he came to realize that Minhyuk had been right: The night was so clear that he could see the stars.

 

He was nearly surprised that Minhyuk was so quiet, so he turned his head to look at him, only to find him podding off the cucumbers from his sandwiches, only with the tips of his fingers like they were radioactive. Disgust was written all over his face and the contorted corner of his mouth only emphasized this fact even further, very much to Hyungwon’s own amusement. 

 

“Give me that.” Hyungwon reached out for a slice of cucumber and ate it for Minhyuk, which only increased his disgust and added a portion of shock to it since the greatest abomination of food was being swallowed by the most beautiful pair of plush lips.

 

“Why are you so gross? Here I was thinking you were classy and had style. I don’t want to kiss you ever again.” he said in shock and his whole body shivered just thinking about the slice of cucumber that had just gone into Hyungwon’s mouth. And maybe just to carry it even further Hyungwon ate another slice that brought him a hit on his upper arm, leaving an honest and carefree smile on his plush lips. It felt strange since he wasn’t smiling or laughing that often especially not like this like he was free to do so like it was okay to fool around and act like a young man in his mid-twenties.

 

They continued eating their sandwiches and Hyungwon naturally reached over to Minhyuk to eat his abandoned slices of cucumbers accompanied by his gagging sounds. He’d never met someone acting this hostile against a harmless vegetable but somehow it made Minhyuk only more lovable and Hyungwon didn’t know what to do with it. 

 

After they had finished all the sandwiches, Minhyuk sank down on his back onto the cold grass, pulling on the sleeve of Hyungwon’s coat to make him lay down too, which he did. Again with an annoyed mumble and a heavy sigh, hoping that the headband would protect his coat he was laying down beside Minhyuk, and for a moment his head was spinning as he looked up to the sky, glittering like an ocean of stars. His cheeks felt cold and he put his hands inside the pockets of his coat but he was clearly in awe for the world that was offered to him right at this moment.

 

It was so simple and it didn’t cost a ton of money, it was for free but it wasn’t cheap. Hyungwon couldn’t remember the last time he actually took his time to just look at the stars, the last time he felt his problems and the world fading away because they were just insignificant fragments of the universe. There were no differences between Minhyuk and Hyungwon at this moment, they were just alive, breathing, laying next to each other, feeling the cold soil under their backs, that kept them from the feeling of falling. He could feel Minhyuk’s hand slipping inside his pocket and Hyungwon didn’t even think about it as he intervened their fingers, his eyes wandering aimlessly over the night sky.

 

Hyungwon allowed himself to breathe, to just be and it was possibly something he had never really done and he was wondering if this had been Minhyuk’s intention since he had called him. When was the last time he had really took a deep breath and had consciously stopped the rush that was dominating his life like a harsh thunderstorm, pulling and dragging on him? He didn’t know why this Hippie seemed to know exactly what he needed, was always ten steps ahead to grasp the nature of his deepest desires and maybe it was the fact that Hyungwon’s mind was fighting against his feelings whereas Minhyuk’s mind and heart seemed to be in harmony.  

 

A sudden sadness started to crawl up at him, sitting on his chest like a huge rock that was about to drag all the air out of his lungs. He opened his lips for a silent gasp, staring into the night sky and the stars, feeling himself becoming smaller and insignificant, naked in the eyes of the universe. His hand clenched around Minhyuk’s and he was about to get overwhelmed by a sudden wave of anxiety and his first impulse was to get up, turning his back on Minhyuk and going back to a place and a state of mind that would shut down these emotions. And right as he was about to move, he heard the rustling of the leaves and greenery and felt Minhyuk closer by his side, his soft but cold fingers touching his cheek and Hyungwon turned his head instantly to look at him.

 

He was about to say something, though he was unsure what exactly he wanted to say in a situation like this. Looking into Minhyuk’s dark eyes and his beautiful face that was so softly and affectionately framed by the moonlight, flattering his high cheekbones, making his soft lips shine delicately, left him in a lack of words. There was nothing that could even rudimentarily describe how Hyungwon felt, everything was sought into a void of deep silent nothingness. And when Minhyuk leaned even closer, his eyelids fluttering shut showing his long black lashes, Hyungwon let him, meeting his lips with his own for a painfully sweet kiss. 

 

It was different from all the other kisses they had shared before, with no intention of sexual desire or lust. No, it was merely there, a soft and slow, nearly shy brush, tasting each other and filling him with such a huge impact of emotions that Hyungwon felt the world falling apart around him, comforting him in a way words could never do. Minhyuk’s hand rested below his ear, his thumb caressing over his cold cheek in a slow movement as their hot breaths mingled, contrasting the chill atmosphere of the night, making them forget about their surroundings.

 

The anxiety was gone, making room for something else Hyungwon found himself unable to describe and maybe he didn’t have to for one time in his life. Maybe this didn’t have to make sense at all. Their foreheads comfortably rested against each other when a slight smile became visible on Hyungwon’s lips, clearly something that caught even Minhyuk off guard.

 

“What is it?” 

 

“I thought you didn’t want to kiss me anymore after the cucumbers.” he said, a touch of amusement swung in his voice as he saw Minhyuk was unable to keep a straight face and winced just by the pure reference of his greatest enemy, pinching Hyungwon’s soft cheek.

 

“Well,” he said and loosened his grip again and furtherly admitted: “It wasn’t that bad.” 

 

They allowed themselves another quiet moment, just looking at each other, allowing the chilly breeze of the night to cover them like a blanket while the greenery was jittering around them. No doubt that for a pedestrian they would simply give the impression of a young couple, doing questionable things like laying together in the grass in the park at night, looking at the stars - or better at each other. Slowly but steadily Hyungwon found back to his usual state of mind, which made him avert his eyes from Minhyuk, distant himself again from this confusing intimacy as he sat up, looking out into the deep rich blue, the nearly black color of the lake that was threatening to swallow him. 

 

“Are you happy?” he heard Minhyuk say, hadn’t to look at him to know that he had sat up as well, was looking at him. The usual teasing tone in his voice unavailable. 

 

He had asked him a similar question when they were out for the first time in the Hippie bar and it came out of the blue.

 

 _“Do you like working there?”_ Minhyuk had asked him and like the first time, Hyungwon had no clear answer for this question either, so he gave the same one as last time, though not without a question mark and hesitation.

 

“I guess?” Hyungwon said after a long pause because he couldn’t tell.

 

No matter how long he would have wrapped his head around this thought, although, it was nothing of Minhyuk’s concern. They would part ways after Minhyuk had shown him what he did with his money and all this, all their encounters, all the sex and even this short fragile moment of comfort meant nothing. His eyes wandered back to the Hippie that had only hummed, was now looking back at him with his dark eyes and an unfamiliar blank face, with a soft blush on it thanks to the chilly autumn night, not giving anything away. Then Minhyuk’s lips formed a soft but illegible smile and Hyungwon thought that he didn’t like it when he looked like this, liked him better when he was carefree. He could hardly admit it but Hyungwon liked the way Minhyuk just dragged him out of his comfort zone, out of his orderly planned life.

 

There was something between them and Hyungwon didn’t know what it was but it made his nape tingle, like he had crossed another dangerous line, had made another wrong step. They were not a couple, they would never be. It had started with attraction for each other but it was confusing since they came from two different worlds and Minhyuk was after all just a little scammer. 

 

He remembered Hoseok’s words, _“having someone by your side that actually makes you change mustn’t be a bad thing.”_ and he was probably right, no he was definitely right because he was Hoseok with a heart made out of gold. Hyungwon wanted to ask him so many questions, like why was he doing all of this, was he lying about the money and had really just bought the designer clothing from it and had pretty much figured out that Hyungwon was conflicted with closer personal relationships?

 

His mind wanted him to see Minhyuk as the enemy, the intruder who made his life unnecessarily more complicated but his heart wanted to be open for him because deep down he already liked him way too much for his own good. 

 

"I don't understand why you're doing all this. Nothing you do makes sense to me. If you just want money to buy expensive clothes or drugs then I pay you off so you can leave me alone." Hyungwon had waged the words inside his mouth before he had said them out loud, making sure they wouldn't sound too desperate, though the weight of the words felt a lot heavier than he had expected them to. His heart normally wasn't racing in his chest like this during negotiations or a presentation in front of important clients. But his words sounded so wrong, too harsh and distant while he was sitting with a beautiful man on a lake in the moonlight. This would absolutely be a romantic date scenario in Hoseok’s eyes but Hyungwon couldn’t just let go, didn’t want to lose control again next to Minhyuk. 

 

"You're so judgemental and clean all the time. Isn't it exhausting?" Minhyuk sounded amused, in no way hurt by Hyungwon's harsh words as he had already expected them, though it made Hyungwon feel embarrassed again because he was right. He still was judging him despite the way he was presenting himself now. 

 

This was going nowhere and Hyungwon really was exhausted and let out a grumpy sigh, brushing his hair back with one hand. He needed to go home and rest. Not only the recent events with Minhyuk but also the increasing lack of sleep and the high workload these days didn’t exactly help his good mood. Everything was just so frightening and frustrating. 

 

“You don’t just sell candles for a living, do you?.” Hyungwon said yielding as he felt the weight of Minhyuk’s head on his shoulder, looking out to the lake. Obviously, nothing he did would keep Minhyuk away from him.

 

“Nope, I don’t.” 

 

He wanted to ask if he was selling drugs instead but he kept the thought to himself, though he was pretty sure Minhyuk already knew what he was thinking. But of course, Minhyuk was unpredictable as the next thing he said was:

 

“I went to university and have a major degree if this eases your pain about social status.” The mocking tone in his voice again.

 

“What?” Hyungwon blurted out, turning his head so suddenly he knocked his head against Minhyuk’s and both ended up rubbing their foreheads. 

 

“See? That’s what happens when you judge a book by its cover, rich boy.” 

 

“Can you blame me? All you do is distracting my life.” His words didn’t sound angry this time, more like a helpless chuckle as he wasn’t really aware that he had lowered his guard for him. 

 

“You know, I don’t mean to harm you. Just see it as an opportunity to have some fun but not tonight, I’m still sore.” Minhyuk said casually resulting in Hyungwon’s cheeks growing hot with heat as he had something to do with this circumstance but Minhyuk wouldn’t let him follow his thoughts any longer when he wrapped one arm around Hyungwon’s neck, finding his lips with his own. The kiss wasn’t as sweet as the one before, longer but not less tenderly and it was Hyungwon who deepened the kiss, placing one hand on his cold cheek, feeling the warmth of his breath against his skin.

 

They parted as the night grew colder and Hyungwon still felt the tingling sensation on his lips when he laid down on his bed that night. Minhyuk was right, he wasn’t harming him, except maybe that he had stolen his money or invested it in some unknown project Hyungwon wasn’t yet inducted with. But the money was worth nothing as it hadn’t been a sum Hyungwon couldn’t spare quite the contrary. The biggest issue was that he was confronted with his own insecurities and the possibility that he actually liked someone, liked Minhyuk.

 

Tonight had definitely the potential of a date abstain from Hyungwon’s short inappropriate outrage, and the fact that he was laying in his bed alone was proof that it wasn’t just sexual tension that brought them together. Moreover, it had been Minhyuk who didn’t want to go with him didn’t want Hyungwon to come with him either. And was it really easing his pain to know that he had a degree and wasn’t just a little junky with no perspective in life? It didn’t since Minhyuk had been right - again - assuming that Hyungwon was judging him by the things he saw instead of the things he felt when he was with him.

 

How did he feel? Hyungwon couldn’t tell. He knew for a fact that the kisses in the park had been way too intimate and he couldn’t recall the warm bubbling feeling inside his stomach from his marriage, nor from his affair. And if this was all just a game, would he play along because it was offering him to see things from a new perspective? Still, he had no understanding of love and everything was just confusing like he was walking through a labyrinth and had reached a crossroad. One side offered him his steadfast gray everyday life, offered him the security of predictability, while there was a handsome stranger waiting on the other side, reaching out for his hand with a smile to take him on a journey. 

 

No, he didn’t know anything about being with someone without feeling captured and in agony to keep his walls up the whole time but he tried. He tried, though with a lot of overcoming and struggling and questioning his own sanity because he was curious and because he wanted to keep the time with Minhyuk pleasant if he couldn’t get rid of him - well maybe he could but he wasn’t the type to murder a handsome Hippie. 

 

Hyungwon left his office almost every night punctual to go out with Minhyuk, who presented himself always fashionable but wild in colorful and noticeable outfits, making sure all eyes were on him, without giving the impression that he wasn't one of them - or maybe he was, Hyungwon had still no idea what exactly he was doing for a living. Considering that Minhyuk knew where he worked and where he lived there was no escape from him either and he would find him on his doorstep with cheap Chinese take out and in his comfortable Hippie clothes if he was trying to ignore his calls and messages.

 

At least he had found out a few things about him during their pillow talk after they had sex - maybe not after that one time they had smoked another joint in Hyungwon's apartment. And it had burned inside his lungs as bad as the first time but besides that he felt more and more at ease trying to be spontaneous, being with Minhyuk, at least when they were alone. 

 

He still wouldn't want anyone to assume that they were dating, although it must have looked that way every time they were out eating dinner or walked next to each other down the river in downtown Seoul at night. The more Hyungwon tried to fight himself the more he wanted to be with Minhyuk because for the first time in his life he found himself able to laugh freely and spending time with him became a replacement for his walks in the park every morning. He’d still enjoy his morning coffee there, being alone for a while just with his own thoughts, although, he didn’t feel that much burden on him anymore. 

 

But it was getting harder to convince Hoseok that he didn’t like Minhyuk in a romantic way and was just waiting for him to show him his investment. Hell, it was even harder to convince himself that he didn’t like Minhyuk that way, though it was obvious that the situation of Hyungwon introducing him to his parents would be highly unlikely even if he did like him. Besides, the introduction to his friends, read Hoseok, had already happened. They weren’t sharing much about their past, nor about their everyday lives and Hyungwon thought that it simply wasn’t needed, all the explanations about things that made them the men they were now. Still, he couldn’t shake off the uneasiness that others might become aware of the change that had been set in motion inside of him, making the calculation of the outcome impossible. 

 

The weeks passed and it was getting colder in Seoul. The first forerunners of winter were already visible. Temperatures were getting lower, the clothing and the coats cozier and warmer. It was nearly a month now since Hyungwon had first met Minhyuk at the market and he still showed no signs to tell him about this investment he claimed he had done with his money. He wondered if all the mystery about the money had been just an excuse to spend time with him. Somehow it would make sense since Hyungwon probably wouldn’t have gone back to him after he had seen him getting fucked by his roommate that one morning. 

 

Hyungwon couldn’t tell if Minhyuk was still doing it or not, since there was no label on them, no strings attached that bonded them, giving their relationship some deeper meaning. And he wasn’t asking about it, of course. He could have done it too, meeting other people, calling the financial chief officers’ secretary for instance but he was already fully occupied with entertaining one annoying Hippie and getting his work done. Still, they shared their moments, they had sex and Minhyuk made him get up that one morning before dawn just so they could sit down on Hyungwon’s balcony in the cold freezing morning air, entangled and tightly wrapped in a blanket to see the sunset. He had thought it was stupid and getting up for the purpose of work was sacrifice enough for a lifetime, but getting up without any purpose just to watch the sun going up, was madness. 

 

But setting aside all his complaints, and the threats of pushing Minhyuk down the balcony, seeing the first rays of sunlight lighting up the quiet sleeping scenery of Seoul, slowly tinting the grey colors of the city in a soft orange color, filled him with peace and ease like the night when they had lain down in the park to look at the stars. It had been so warm under the blanket, feeling Minhyuk’s body so close on his own, while his hand had rested on his slim waist, holding him even closer. The sleep, that had wanted to drag him back to bed had gone as the sun had started to warm his cold cheeks and Hyungwon had allowed himself to close his eyes and enjoy the moment. 

 

Enjoying the moment was definitely something that Minhyuk had brought to his life as he was under normal circumstances only striving for purpose and meaning in his actions. And it made him aware of the fact that most of the time he was just a loyal and functioning soldier for society. He had never given himself permission to relax, to take a step back instead of rushing through his tasks, through his days, through his life at full speed without asking himself if he needed a break. Without thinking about, that maybe he wanted something else in his life. 

 

Now that he had lowered his guard for Minhyuk and got a taste of what it meant to take some time to breathe he couldn’t imagine what was going to happen if Minhyuk would be gone again. Would he step back into his old patterns or was there no way to stop the process this Hippie had set in motion and he wasn’t going to recognize himself anymore? He wouldn’t know and with time passing by the thought of Minhyuk’s absence in his life was becoming unimaginable. Yes, he was growing fond of him, even though they didn’t know much about each other. It was simply the feeling between them, the warmth on cold nights and freezing November mornings, those sweet kisses that went beyond lust and pleasure, deeper into the unknown, touching Hyungwon’s heart.

 

And then the day came, when Minhyuk finally announced that they were going on a trip over the weekend, making sure Hyungwon cleared his schedule and could meditate over getting up on a weekend instead of sleeping in and sleeping some more after that. All he had wanted to do was staying at home especially after another long and exhausting business trip and hours of negotiations with a client so every party could sign the paper and leave the table with the feeling of success. He understood their will to cut the best outcome and the most profit out of their deals but everything they did seemed so far away from the things he experienced with Minhyuk. Of course, it was different and personal feelings had no place inside the realms of financial decisions Hyungwon and his clients had to deal with. Although since he was with Minhyuk he started to question their motives more and more. But he kept quiet for his own good. 

 

“Where the hell are we going?” Hyungwon mumbled, sitting behind the wheel of his Mercedes with Minhyuk next to him, looking fresh and happy like a pampered baby. 

 

Even though Hyungwon had known about their trip he had tried to ignore him, the calls - just shutting his phone off - and successfully the doorbell for quite some time. But of course, there was no way in hell Minhyuk would just go and leave him to turn around inside his warm comfortable bed to continue his very important task of sleeping. So he had gotten up and had opened the door, glaring at Minhyuk while the Hippie had been holding out a cup of coffee for him with a sweet smile. 

 

And after long and sheer endless sighs, Hyungwon had finally showered and dressed in the most casual clothes he had - a white asymmetrical-cut shirt and tight blue jeans, both of high qualities of course. Minhyuk, on the other hand, wasn’t wearing any kind of designer brand nor was he wearing Hyungwon’s clothes like he had done various times before - needless to say, that he wasn’t even asking. He was similarly dressed like the first time he had seen him, in a shirt and a woolen poncho over his shoulders, black jeans this time and another headband with aquamarine, green and yellow paisley patterns on it. 

 

No makeup this time. Hyungwon thought that he looked always the most stunning without all the makeup on, especially when he was still bare and wet, with his cheeks rosy and glowing when he stepped out of the shower. Since Minhyuk had been dressed always adequate next to Hyungwon the whole time they went out together, it was strange to see him again like this. For the person he was and with the clothing _he_ liked and for a moment Hyungwon felt bad, that Minhyuk was doing this for him the whole time. 

 

Again they gave the impression of two strangers meeting by chance, coming from different worlds and there was a tug inside of the CEO’s chest when he became conscious of the fact that they might have been close, might have had sex but there was still an invisible line between them. They were dancing around this line the whole time, bending it to their desires and needs but it was still there, unbroken and like a warning, a reminder that they were meant to end at some point. Maybe they would reach that point after the weekend, maybe not. Hyungwon could impossibly tell. As always he had no idea what to think, how to feel.

 

“Turn right over there.” Minhyuk said, taking a sip from his own cup of tea. “You’ll see. You’re going to like it there.” He sounded very pleased with himself, full of enthusiasm and Hyungwon already knew that this was a state he had to be the most afraid of, though, he steered the car in the directions Minhyuk gave him, following a sign off the highway.

 

“Are you going to kill me and bury me in the woods?” Hyungwon asked after a while. 

 

The number of cars on the street had decreased, making the road appear virtually empty, as they drove on the country road, whereas the scenery of the city had already completely faded away and was replaced by barren landscapes, stripped away from all its beauty it would have offered to its visitors if they would have come at another time. The empty fields must have been colorful and flourishing during the spring season, spreading their sweet scent all over the place so one was able to smell it miles away. But now everything was just quiet empty space that was soon to be exchanged for rich green Korean firs to each side of the road. Without any doubt a nice place to get rid of a corpse without getting discovered. 

 

 “Why would I want to do that?”

 

“Getting revenge for all those cucumber jokes? I don’t know.”

 

“Well, if you put it that way you totally deserve to get buried in the woods.” Hyungwon could see Minhyuk’s body shaking in disgust and he still found it amusing - like every other time before. He wasn’t the person that was particularly known for being funny at all, more like the person one would speculate over if they were spending their time laughing in the basement, hidden from the sight of others. Nevertheless, it was different when he was with Minhyuk.

 

Hyungwon followed Minhyuk’s next given directions up to a steep narrow road, that, after a few slopes, opened up to them to a wide space of debris and grit in front of a large traditional family home right in the middle of nowhere. And again, Hyungwon had no idea what to think about all that. After he had parked the car next to a Bordeaux-red Hyundai, that apparently had seen better days, Hyungwon got hit by the freezing air outside, that was so much colder here in the countryside than in the city center of Seoul.

 

He wrapped the scarf around his neck tighter and stepped over to Minhyuk, who had already rung the bell. While they waited for their host - whoever that was - to open the door, Hyungwon looked around. Everything out here was quiet and peaceful, far away from the rush of the city, from day-by-day problems, responsibilities, and distractions. Out here, there was only the whispering of the wind echoing through the crowns of trees, the soft rustling in the undergrowth and the birds freely singing their songs. Had he ever been to the countryside with his parents? He couldn’t recall any memory that might have included such a scenario. And it felt strange to him being so far off the life he was used to living. The feeling was similar to his first and only visit of that Hippie bar Minhyuk had invited him to. Out of place, like he didn’t belong.

 

Still, he had no idea what was waiting for them behind those doors but whatever it was, Minhyuk seemed to be very excited about it. There was a click on the lock before the heavy wooden door opened with a loud creaking sound revealing the view of a young man with ash-blonde hair and silver round glasses. He couldn’t be much older than twenty-three, Hyungwon thought. There was a piercing on his left eyebrow and he was dressed in black comfortable clothes. The style was similar to Minhyuk’s, leaving no doubt that he was a Hippie too. 

 

Hyungwon had never met one of Minhyuk’s friends but here he was standing far off from any civilization with two of them. There was a really bad feeling bubbling up inside his stomach, especially when Minhyuk turned to him with a smile.

 

“Time to show you your investment.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's it going to be? 👀   
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)
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> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is called Magic Mushrooms for a reason :D
> 
> Sorry that the update took so long! It's a bit shorter because I cut the chapter in half to give myself more time to take care of the whole setting. I took a lot of research to give you a fundamental experience of what's happening to Hyungwon. 
> 
> Plus the next update will be next week so look forward to it :3

The day had finally arrived that Minhyuk would show him his investment - out here, far away from everything, in the middle of nowhere and Hyungwon just felt everything and nothing, but most of all confusion. He had wanted this to happen, had waited for this day, had told himself repeatedly that he would stay with the Hippie until this day only. But now that the day had arrived Hyungwon wasn't so convinced anymore that he wanted Minhyuk to go. Would he get up Monday morning just to live his life again without this annoying young man he laughed and shared intimacy with? 

 

How did he function without him anyway? There would be nothing left to look forward to after a long day at work. Well maybe his bed, but if he was totally honest he would have preferred his bed with Minhyuk's warm body in it. He wouldn't admit it out loud but seeing Minhyuk's peaceful face when he was waking up in the morning had something magical. Sometimes it even made him think that he was still dreaming or that he just wanted to wrap his arms around Minhyuk to sleep a little longer. If he had thought that being with Minhyuk made him conflicted, then letting him go was much worse. 

 

However, standing here with him, meeting one of Minhyuk’s hippie friends reminded him that he didn’t really know him. What he was doing for a living or who his friends were or if he still had other men on the side. He wanted to know more about him, more of the person he was spending time with nearly every single day since they have met. But he was also worried that he might not like this person Minhyuk was, then again, Hyungwon had to ask himself how much he really liked Minhyuk if he couldn’t accept him for who he was and what he liked to do? 

 

“It’s so nice to see you, Sunshine!” The young man standing in the door said towards Minhyuk with a goofy smile on his lips - he sounded stoned - and pulled Minhyuk in a tight hug. They gave each other a peck on the lips, what felt for Hyungwon like an out-of-body experience. Considering the fact that he had seen Minhyuk getting fucked on the kitchen counter by his roommate, this fleeting kiss could be declared as rather harmless. More important was that this man was stoned and all Hyungwon could think of was that it was confirming his concerns that Minhyuk had simply invested his money in drugs. 

 

 _He’s just a scammer after all. I knew it all along_ , he thought, not without a slightly bitter taste of disappointment. Yes, he was judging him once again for his alternative lifestyle and he knew he shouldn’t since he had smoked weed with him, twice, but still, it was hard to admit that he had liked it. Before he could get lost in his thoughts even further, he felt the young Hippie hugging him tightly - and he froze.

 

“You must be the _r_ _ich boy_. It’s so chill to have you here with us. I’m Changkyun by the way.”

  

For God’s sake, Minhyuk was really talking about him using this phrase? Hyungwon offered a contrite smile, thankful as the man let go of him. Then the eyebrows of the man, Changkyun, frowned, eyeing Hyungwon from head to toe before he said in a very concerned tone: 

 

“Wow, your Chi is so out of balance, man. We’ll take care of that.” he nodded and turned to hold the door open for his guests, while Hyungwon was glaring at Minhyuk who smiled at him happily like nothing of this was weird in any way. 

 

All Hyungwon wanted to do was to turn around, get into his car and drive back to the city, far away from questionable hippies but now he was here and he could possibly survive one weekend with them when the balance of his life was back to normal after that.

  

They followed Changkyun through the small front yard. There was a pond to the right, whereas on the left stood a big bare tree, probably a maple. Winterproof bushes were accurately planted along the way up to the front door and Hyungwon could see the signs of a hippie household already in the hallway. Not only because of the strong smell of weed, sandalwood, and other spices that immediately hit his nose thrills, but also because of the obvious pick ‘n’ mix furniture. It was very hard not to see it and if the feeling of stepping into another dimension hadn’t been strong enough before, it definitely was now. The thing Hyungwon was welcoming, though, was the warmth hitting his cold face as he took off his coat and his shoes.

 

The hallway led into a very large open space living room, full of big fluffy cushions and colorful carpets on the floor instead of a couch. The wooden shelves and sideboards were decorated with candles, figures, and potteries. There were also a lot of old books and dried flowers and the walls were full of colorful paintings, while pots of plants and colorful pieces of cloth combined with small LED-lights were hanging from the ceiling. The furniture looked mostly antique and nothing really fit together, yet it looked cozy. It was like Minhyuk’s room just a lot more excessive. A look to the left offered the view to an open kitchen space with a cooking island in the middle. It looked rustique yet suitable for the rest of the room. The shelves in the kitchen were full of fresh herbs like basil, thyme, oregano, and mint. 

 

Hot steam was coming from the kettle on the hearth, filling the room with its whistling noise and was taken aside shortly after by a man with light apricot-colored hair. He looked young like Changkyun and his ears were pierced and decorated with striking gold earrings - due to his short hair, lazily styled back, you could see them even better. From where Hyungwon was standing he couldn’t quite see what he was wearing, but it appeared to be a long red kimono-like cardigan over a simple black shirt.

  

“Honey, babe, our sunshine and the rich boy are here.”

  

Hyungwon was already sure by now that he wasn’t the one getting buried in the woods but all three of these hippies. The man with the kettle in his hand looked up and as his faces lightened, giving them a bright smile, deep dimples showed up on his cheeks, making him look really soft and friendly. Changkyun had stepped to his side, placed one hand on his cheek and softly kissed the dimple on the other one, earning an ever brighter smile from the man. 

 

"It's nice to have you here." The apricot-haired man said and received another kiss on his other cheek from Minhyuk, who had wrapped his arms around his waist.

 

"It's been so long! I missed you so much, honey." Minhyuk whined and rubbed his cheek on the man's like a puppy. Hyungwon remained on the other side of the cooking island and just greeted him with a nod. What else was he supposed to do? He already felt out of place and it was uncomfortable and the feeling was itching on his skin.

 

"May I introduce you? This is Jooheon, but we all call him honey. Just look at him he's so soft." Minhyuk seemed overly excited and gave Jooheon a peck on the lips as he had done with Changkyun before. Dear God, was there any man around Minhyuk whom he hadn't had sex with? It could have been just harmless friendly kisses but Hyungwon had already climbed the train that all of those hippies must have had sex with each other. He really wished that they hadn’t come here for a weird foursome.

 

Jooheon looked satisfied with two handsome men circling around him like planets around the sun. He also looked stoned but that fact didn't come by surprise for Hyungwon.

 

"Dude, it's such a pleasure to finally meet you. Our sunshine can’t stop talking about you.” Jooheon smiled even wider and filled the hot water from the kettle in four cups Changkyun had prepared with ecological tea balls and soon the sweet scent of whatever tea it was, was mixing up with all the other scents in the room. Hyungwon couldn’t recall when he had ever been so overwhelmed by such an amount of scents but he was feeling a headache incoming. He wondered what Minhyuk had told them about him and at the same time, he wondered how honest all of their time together really had been since Minhyuk felt like a stranger once again. 

 

“Likewise.” Hyungwon replied cautiously, not really knowing what to say. It seemed not only Minhyuk had the ability to make him speechless but this whole hippie lifestyle was kicking him out of the frame. “I had no idea.”

 

“Of course not! This is a surprise after all.” Minhyuk laughed and Hyungwon couldn’t help but fixing his eyes on him, finding himself unable to be angry and all his judgemental thoughts got mixed up with the affection that was blooming up inside of him. He watched Minhyuk placing the cups on a wooden serving tray, and Jooheon added a plate with cookies before they all moved over to the living room area to sit down on the huge cushions on the floor. What was it with those hippies sitting on the floor? Hyungwon should have been used to it by now but the truth was he still preferred to take a seat on more common seating options like couches, chairs, benches and the seat of his car. 

 

Hyungwon was sinking into the cushion and tried to find a comfortable position whereas the other three men seemed to have no issue with that. Minhyuk was sitting right next to him, Jooheon and Changkyun snuggled together on the other side of the small wooden table that was placed between them. They looked like disgustingly cute newlyweds and now that Hyungwon could face them in their full glory he saw that Jooheon wore wide comfortable black harem pants and Changkyun was barefoot and had his toenails painted black. 

 

For a brief moment, Hyungwon felt sorry for Minhyuk that he wasn’t with someone more suitable for him. Someone he could be with who he really was, without showing up in designer clothes, hiding his true self. But was it already his true self Minhyuk was showing to him or was it the Hippie? Or were both just sides of the same medal? Hyungwon knew that he didn’t belong here, so was it possible that Minhyuk felt the same when he dressed up in expensive clothing to attend Hyungwon in just as expensive restaurants? However, Minhyuk always radiated abundance and warmth like the sun and Hyungwon loved to see him smile and to feel their naked bodies close to each other under the covers.

 

His attention went back to the present as Minhyuk handed him one of the cups and a cookie, which he thankfully took after staring at his beautiful features a moment too long. He felt Minhyuk was crawling closer to him, silently spending him comfort, probably conscious enough to feel Hyungwon’s uncomfortableness. It helped immediately yet it made him conflicted. They must have looked like a couple too, a very unlikely one as well but for some reason, they got along well and liked each other.

 

“Your Chi is really concerning me, rich boy.” This time Jooheon was raising his concerns, his voice sounded deep and he looked like he was thinking intensely about Hyungwon’s energy flow.

 

“I was thinking about that too, right from the moment I saw him.” Changkyun confirmed, shared a look with Jooheon and looked over to Hyungwon as well, who felt like something might have been wrong with him. But honestly, he had no idea what they were even talking about.

  

“Can you please stop calling me that? My name is Hyungwon.” he sighed and took a bite from the cookie. It was still warm, the consistency on the outside was slightly crunchy but the inside was soft and buttery and it tasted really good. Not too sweet, not too salty or overbaked.

  

“Wonnie it is. So, tell me, what are you doing to relax?” It was probably pointless to argue with those Hippies and Wonnie was still better than _rich boy_. Due to that question, it suddenly felt so much more appealing to get buried in the woods instead of sitting here with those two men talking so weirdly. Hoseok would have found it amusing knowing that Hyungwon was sitting here way out of his comfort zone with free spirits that couldn’t be reasoned with. 

 

“I’m sorry. Why are you asking me this?” Hyungwon was perfectly aware that Jooheon was probably asking him about his sex life, though the CEO assumed that Minhyuk had already told them about it in detail.

  

“They’re both sex therapists and spiritual councilours.” Minhyuk said next to him and sounded very excited, whereas Hyungwon was about to take a sip from his tea and nearly spit it into Minhyuk’s face. Why in God’s name would Minhyuk think that it would be in Hyungwon’s interest to invest his money in spiritual hocus-pocus? 

 

“Lovemaking is a very strong tool for stress release and to bond with your partner but have you tried meditation as well? Like just taking time for yourself to breathe?” Neither Jooheon nor Changkyun appeared to be surprised by Hyungwon’s horrified look and Minhyuk seemed to find it very amusing and it somehow made him angry. It felt like Minhyuk was laughing about him, that he was so weak for him, let him into his life fully aware that he was just a scammer and should have trusted his guts. 

 

“No offense but I’m perfectly fine.” he said to Jooheon and Changkyun. Then he turned to Minhyuk. “If this is what you wasted my money and my time with, I-”

  

“You’re still so judgemental.” Minhyuk still smiled at him, didn’t look offended the slightest bit. Instead, Hyungwon felt his hand in the nape of his neck softly stroking him there and he wanted to push him back, get up and leave but he didn’t like his body just wasn’t convinced in leaving too early.

 

“You don’t have to believe in the spiritual world to get in contact with it. And to be fair, a lot of people we’re working with are really skeptical the first time they come to us. Our sunshine really likes you and he doesn’t want to change who you are and be assured that everything is still your decision to make. Still, if by chance there’s a part of you that is seeking more clarity and purpose in life you should take the opportunity because the worst case of all this would be that you have learned something new about yourself.”

 

“Then at least show me what kind of drugs you invested my money in, so we can get this over with.” Hyungwon sighed annoyed, grumbled after a while in Minhyuk’s direction, didn’t bother to prevent him from touching him. Moreover, he didn’t care that he might sound rude towards Jooheon and Changkyun because they weren’t his friends and he wasn’t planning to befriend them either. On the other hand, being a dick in front of Minhyuk’s friends after all the nice things Minhyuk had done for him, embarrassed him - and he hated the feeling so much. 

 

The way Minhyuk was still caressing his nape with his fingers was very soothing. Hyungwon wasn’t planning to take those drugs. However, he wanted to see them at least with his own eyes because everything he could see, could describe with words and reason with was better than this spiritual nonsense and flowing energy.

 

“Calm down, bro. This is a safe place for all of us. Let’s just talk about it.” Changkyun smiled and took a sip from his tea before he got up and scuffled out of the living room. Hyungwon was also drinking his tea while they waited, wasn’t really paying attention to the chat between Minhyuk and Jooheon they had in the meantime. 

 

He still enjoyed Minhyuk’s soft fingers that wouldn’t leave his neck and the warmth of his body so close to him. He just couldn’t help it to think about that this could be all gone after this weekend and he would be all by himself again without seeing Minhyuk’s smile, without feeling his touch. And at the same time, he would finally escape from all this chaos and these strange people with their preference for drugs and strange clothing. However, these people also had a home, a home that was warm and cozy and full of love. They weren’t homeless or looked stressed and unhappy, questioning their life choices and somehow Hyungwon envied them because he wasn’t free. He wanted to be, but he was still captured inside his mind, acted the way his family had taught him was right and changing things was scary. Finding himself liking and getting so attached to Minhyuk in such a short amount of time was scary.

 

Changkyun came back with a wooden plate a few moments later and placed it on the table to present Hyungwon his investment, before sitting down next to his boyfriend again, waiting for Hyungwon’s reaction. 

 

“Mushrooms?” he asked in bewilderment because this was definitely one of the last things he had anticipated. Yet here they were, dried, light brown and shriveled mushrooms and Hyungwon came to the conclusion that not everything he could see with his own two eyes could be reasoned with. 

 

“This is what you invested my money in? Mushrooms? I don’t understand.” he looked to the man next to him, seeking for a really good explanation since it didn’t make any sense for Hyungwon. If Minhyuk had wanted to eat dried mushrooms he could have done so in Seoul in nearly every restaurant. It definitely wasn’t a reason to scam Hyungwon and stay with him for weeks. This wasn’t an investment in his interest.

 

“Don’t underestimate these mushrooms. They’re not as harmless as they appear to be.” Changkyun began to speak and leaned forward, bringing Hyungwon again in a situation where he was judging something by its looks. 

 

“These, my friend, are psilocybin mushrooms. LSD. They might not look like much but they can take you on a very life-changing trip. These little fellas make you feel like someone stepped into your head, shuffling things around like a hurricane, putting things in and out. Imagine the psychedelics as a conductor orchestrating an orchestra, suddenly making all the parts of your brain communicate with each other in a way you didn’t even know was possible.”

 

When Hyungwon was just continuing to stare at him in confusion, Changkyun went on.

 

“We have three kinds of mushrooms here: Gymnopilus junonius, Panaeolus cyanescens, Panaeolus cinctulus they naturally grow in the Hak-Dong and Geoje-Si areas. Fascinating isn’t it? Nature is just providing this opportunity for us so easy to enter the deepest realms of our minds. So you see, having a psilocybin trip requires a save environment, ideally a place where you can connect to nature far away from the city. You also need a guide for the session, the trip is called a session, just this on the side. The guide must be sober, in this case, Honey, and is responsible to help you through this experience since he has extensive experience in taking psychedelics and guiding people through it. When your mind wanders off to a dark place, for example, a simple touch or a word of reassurance that this is just a hallucination helps wonders. He also takes care of the physical setting, making sure you’re comfortable, regulating the music that helps to stimulate your brain even more.”

 

The amount of information Changkyun was giving came so easily over his lips and the fact that he sounded excessively chill, made it all sound less frightening and more harmless. Still, it was frightening, especially for someone like Hyungwon who hadn’t even smoked a cigarette before he had met Minhyuk. And even then he had jumped in right away with a joint.

 

Jooheon continued: “The intensity of your entheogenic experience depends partly on the dose that can vary between 0.1 and 4g of mushrooms. Everything above it causes strong mental instability, but we make sure this doesn’t happen. The characteristic of a psilocybin trip is that you never really know what to expect, everything can happen so there’s not really a way you can prepare. There are different stages you are going to pass through while tripping. The first two stages will take about an hour. Once you consume the psychedelic you still have time to talk about your thoughts, concerns and ask your questions if needed. Once you feel the first effects, it’s best when you lay down and make yourself comfortable. This stage is an initial build-up and makes you relax. You will also start to lose control. It might trigger anxiety sometimes if you are used to controlling everything in your life but that’s also the reason we’re doing this in a safe environment.”

 

By now Hyungwon looked pale. He still felt Minhyuk’s fingers on his nape and the ceramic of the cup between his hands, and he was struggling between getting up, leaving immediately and staying because there was still this other side of him. The side that was laughing with Minhyuk, enjoying all these little moments with him. The side that made him feel like he was himself and in control without being in control. But what would happen to him if he took these mushrooms? Well, if it was similar to smoking weed then he could go home tomorrow and forget everything about it. But Jooheon was getting there as he began to speak again - his voice was very soothing and he gave the impression that he really knew what he was talking about.

 

“The third stage could be described as opening and letting go. It is very important that you let go of all your problems, expectations, personal concerns, experiences and feelings you might have. After you have successfully mastered clearing yourself, you can dive into a new dimension and fully enter the heart of the psychedelic trip. Should you experience something that might concern you, just speak to me. This phase lasts around three to four hours until you reach stage four.  This fourth stage normally lasts around two to three hours. The plateau, where you acclimate to your new state of mind. Your trip will feel very natural and normal instead of alien and you will feel like you can function within the normal realms of society. You are free to do whatever you want, walking around, listening to music or even getting intimate if that’s what you feel is right for you, feel free to do so. Although, I only recommend sharing intimacy with someone you really trust and are connected with because instead of the most pleasurable experience it can end up in the worst experience you ever had.”

 

Now Hyungwon felt his cheeks getting hot, just imagining himself losing control of his composed self in a way that he might even feel comfortable enough to have sex with Minhyuk in front of two strangers and one or both of them weren’t even tripping? But Hyungwon was wondering, did they trust each other and was there a deeper connection between them? It just sounded so absurd and the thought made him anxious, which is why he wasn’t looking at Minhyuk at all. But he had wanted facts and Jooheon was giving them to him very comprehensive.

 

“Stage five, the gentle glide is similar to stage four but the defining characteristic is the reacquaintance with reality. The inebriation is slowly dissipating and your rational thoughts reappear. It’s a perfect opportunity to talk about your feelings and process your newly gained insights. It’s also a great time to go outside to bond with nature. Psychedelics bring you the universal feeling of being one, unity with nature and you’re coming to fully appreciate the beauty around you. In the last stage, you’ll still experience new thought patterns, which you should totally observe. Your trip will end in a state of abundance and immense gratitude. You’ll connect to the love for yourself and the people you love. There won’t be any side effects after, except maybe that those newly gained insights change the view of the world around you and you might want to change your position in it.” 

 

Hyungwon’s palms felt sweaty and he had to put his cup down on the table. He knew that now was the time for him to say something. His eyes wandered off from Jooheon down to the plate of dried mushrooms. This wasn’t some cheap hocus-pocus but probably the hammer that would break down all the walls he had been building up for years and due to the crack Minhyuk had already left behind it was probably the thing that would bring the house of cards to collapse. Nevertheless, wasn’t it still his decision if he wanted to take these new insights he might gain into action? He could go home and only leave this weird experience with Minhyuk behind. But the longer he thought about letting Minhyuk go, the less he wanted it to happen so he finally looked at him. Into his beautiful face, with those soft pinkish lips, that always tasted so sweet and his big brown eyes looking back at him. 

 

“Why all of this?” he asked and it sounded more like he was actually willing to listen. This was obviously not some kind of drug you would only take for fun, considering that you needed someone to guide you through the experience and needed a safe environment. Considering that it had been Minhyuk’s idea, all of this wasn’t just by chance. But why would he come up to make a psilocybin trip with Hyungwon after they had spent one night together? It didn’t make any sense.

 

“Because I want you to be happy. Live the life you want to live and be the person you want to be.” Minhyuk said softly, caressing his fingers over Hyungwon’s cheek and he unconsciously leaned more into his touch. He really wished he would be able to hate him, to get up and leave and kick him out of his life mercilessly. But he couldn’t. Hyungwon didn’t want to. But he also couldn’t understand why Minhyuk was caring about him so much. What was it to him if Hyungwon was wasting his life away with work and fitting into society? And wasn’t there a part inside of him that would have been willing to make any kind of investment, with money or other means of payment, to finally figure out who he was?

 

 _This is too dangerous. This is one step too much and you won’t be able to step back,_ he thought. His head was obviously saying no, warning him from the incalculable consequences waiting for him if he was following this any further. Although, looking at Minhyuk’s eyes, reviewing the time they spent with each other made him craving for more. More purpose, more warmth, more togetherness, more of Minhyuk. 

 

“I don’t want you to change and I don’t want you to become a drug addict or a hippie or whatever. This investment is only for you. An opportunity to take a step back from all the expectations you think must be fulfilled because I really think you deserve peace and love in your life, Hyungwon.” It was rare for Minhyuk to say his name, especially the warm and loving way he was emphasizing it now. Hyungwon had mostly heard him say it in a mocking manner or when his moans of pleasure filled the room during sex. He still didn’t know what he was feeling for Minhyuk nor what the latter was feeling for him if he had feelings for him at all and wasn’t staying just for fun.

 

There was always this feeling that Minhyuk knew exactly what Hyungwon really needed and he couldn’t tell why. His head was aching even more by now since he couldn’t come up with a rational solution for his problems. Minhyuk seemed to care too much to even be a problem and still, he was the reason for all the turbulences recently. To be fair, Hyungwon had already managed to mess with his own life without Minhyuk so even if it was easier to blame him for everything, it wasn’t the truth.

 

All good investments had risks, demanded some kind of sacrifice for something else and it was a choice. There was always a choice and there had always been a choice. Hyungwon had chosen not to run away from home, but to stay and do what his family wanted him to do. He had chosen to get married even if they hadn’t been in love and he had chosen to cheat on her with her brother. It also had been his choice to get involved with Minhyuk and ever since it had been his choice to stay with him. And once again it was his choice whether or not he wanted to take these mushrooms and unleash the beast inside of him, facing his true self to bring change into his life or not. The alternative was always, and would always be, his calculable life in the same firm, in the same office with the same job and solid income. The same routine every single day - without Minhyuk, without change.

 

The question was, was he willing to abandon this alternative and take the risk for something new?

 

Was he willing to lose control?

 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jookyun finally got their premiere! 😂 see you next chapter!
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> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)
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> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heading for the dark side of the moon.

_ Don’t do it, that’s not who you are. You know where you belong _ , his thoughts were screaming at him so loudly, wanting him to stop, to leave, to go back, but instead, he said:

  
“Okay.” 

  
Hyungwon saw the relief in Minhyuk’s face, admired the soft smile on his lips, even kissed him back in front of Jooheon and Changkyun without even thinking about it. He didn’t notice them sharing meaningful looks like something, a secret, had been offered to them that was worth more than a thousand words.

  
“You won’t regret it, bro.” Changkyun said in his usual laid back manner and happily stuffed a cookie inside his mouth. “We should go for pot brownies next time, honey.”

  
“One at a time, babe. Don’t eat too many or you’re going to feel nauseous after taking the mushrooms.” Jooheon said and softly kissed his forehead.

  
“Damn, you’re so right.” 

  
If Hyungwon had thought that being with Minhyuk was kind of a strange arrangement, then watching the couple in front of him interacting was so much worse. But somehow their relationship seemed to work out very well and they appeared very close and comfortable around each other, were probably together for quite some time now. He wanted to ask how Minhyuk had met them, what life he had lived before he had met them and if Jooheon and Changkyun were the reason that Minhyuk became a Hippie as well. But as so often, Hyungwon remained silent and didn’t ask because he knew himself well enough to know that whatever the circumstances might have been, he would find himself judging them. Openly or internally and the sheer thought of shame and embarrassment weighed heavy on his shoulders.

  
“Our sunshine told us you have a very stressful job, so I assume it might be a little harder for you to let go at first but you’ll be able to access more strength from within once you manage it. We can only function in this society until a certain point so I wonder if there’s anything you already do for yourself to relax? Maybe go to a place where you can connect with yourself?”

  
This time, Hyungwon didn’t feel attacked and leaned slightly forward on the cushion he was sitting on, and gave it some thought before he began to speak. “I often take a walk through the park near my workplace before work. It’s the only time I take for myself really.” 

  
But for quite some time now, he had been there together with Minhyuk, sitting at the lake with him or childishly throwing the leaves at each other at night after work. Sharing this place with him was so much more intimate for Hyungwon than having sex with him. Not even his ex-wife had known that he was taking those walks in the morning and what it meant for him, that it was the only place he was able to breathe and take time for himself. Hyungwon could feel Minhyuk’s eyes on him, heard him changing his sitting position due to the rustling of the cushions he was sitting on. Maybe it had immediately hit him and he came to understand the meaning of the park for Hyungwon and the significance that he had been allowed to be there with him. And if he did has grasped the real meaning behind it, he didn’t say so. At least not at this moment. Although, it made him wonder what Minhyuk’s safe place might have been? And furthermore, what else he was telling his friends about Hyungwon.

  
“Thank you for sharing. This can be very helpful for me should you find yourself stuck in an unpleasant situation inside your mind. I’ll be able to shift the scene to this place where you feel comfortable. Do you feel ready to start?”

  
This was it, the moment he could have said no. It still wasn’t too late. Taking these mushrooms would mean he was undeniably facing something he had tried to ignore since forever and it would have been an understatement to say that Hyungwon wasn’t frightened and concerned about the things he might experience. But he wanted to know, needed to know what was on the other side, the dark side of the moon isolated from the sunlight. 

  
This was his investment, getting to know himself.

  
“I do.” he answered after a long pause and his voice sounded a bit rough on the edge as he tried to hide the fact that he was terrified. Though, one look at Minhyuk’s deep hazel eyes was everything that was needed to make sure everything was going to be okay.

  
“You can speak to me the whole time, okay?” Jooheon made sure and looked at Changkyun and Minhyuk, who also gave their agreement. “Around three to five mushrooms should be enough for a moderate trip.” 

  
Minhyuk, Changkyun, and Hyungwon took up to five of the dried mushrooms from the wooden plate and everything felt too real and too bizarre at the same time. But eventually, Hyungwon put the mushrooms in his mouth and chewed them, already disgusted by the consistency and the earthy, chewy taste. It was done, there was no way back and he heard his heart beating loud in his chest, knowing very well that he had overstepped the crucial line between the person he was and the person he wanted to be. Waiting for the psychedelics to kick in was more or less nerve-wracking for the young CEO. He didn’t know what to expect in the darkness far away from the sunlight. But listening to Changkyun’s strange talking at least distracted him enough. 

  
“You know… once you’re reborn as an apple you can’t be a banana anymore, do you know what I mean? These are very important things to consider.”

  
“You’re so right! You can only imagine what your life is going to be.” Minhyuk said enthusiastically and Hyungwon tried to make it make sense in his head but it was far beyond any logical discussion. Jooheon seemed to be used to it and Hyungwon preferred it to just lean back and observe the situation. It was refreshing to see Minhyuk acting around his friends, discussing so passionately about really stupid topics, being clingy and just this carefree spirit that mustn’t be living inside the cage of rules. 

  
As time passed by, Hyungwon’s body slowly started to show the first signs, not in the form of colorful mandala flowers, no, more in the form of his hands getting clammy and the feeling of nausea. His body was rebelling, screaming at him to get rid of the poison he had voluntarily taken, so he tried to take deep breaths, focusing on his breath only instead of the discussion between Changkyun and Minhyuk about reborn fruits.

  
“It’ll get better in a bit. Focus on your breathing.” Jooheon, who was sitting next to him, said. Hyungwon couldn’t even remember him changing his seat but he didn’t question it for now since he also had no idea how much time had already passed. Shouldn’t there be something happening by now?

  
“Just look around when you’re unsure if you’re already there.” His voice sounded so soft. Had it sounded like this before? Hyungwon didn’t know as he focused on letting his eyes wander through the room. The furniture looked so much more vibrant and the colors of the cloth with the LED-lights hanging from the ceiling appeared rich and kind of glowy. His lips formed an ‘O’ as his fingers caressed over the cushion beside him, feeling an unusual richness of texture under his fingertips and he couldn’t help but smile like an idiot. His awareness of reality had already begun to waver away. 

  
“I definitely want to be a banana.” Hyungwon giggled, not even knowing that he was doing it. He felt the cushion fully supporting his back moments later, not questioning the process of how and why he was laying down. He was just laying on soft fluffy white clouds getting carried away by a warm breeze, while the stars of the colorful cosmos started to glow brighter, vibrating and slowly change their shapes from little sparkly dots to one of those comic stars you’d draw as a child. And it made Hyungwon only giggle more, as he shuffled himself deeper into the soft cloud. 

  
He reached his hands out to grab for the stars, those strange comic-like stars. They looked so unreal on the colorful sky that was offered to him, but he couldn’t grab them. It was frustrating. Then there was music. Where did it come from? It looked like the stars were forming into little glowing notes, jumping around to create the melody Hyungwon was hearing. Oh, he could taste it. The color of the light, right there on his tongue, it was smooth and warm in his mouth like a delicious bowl of pumpkin soup, creamy and mild in taste. It was so overwhelming and he didn’t know where he should set his focus on. The taste, the music, the dancing star notes, maybe the cloud he was laying on or the textures he felt under his fingertips?

  
“Close your eyes. Let go of everything and just let it happen.” A voice in the distance said. It sounded familiar but he couldn’t say who it belonged to. Still, Hyungwon closed his eyes and even behind his closed eyelids the colors were dancing, changing their shapes constantly. He tried to relax, even though he didn’t even know anymore how the process of relaxation even worked but he wasn’t quite there yet. The colors shifted, changed into a familiar face that started to speak to him - his ex-wife. Finally, she was angry with him, showed her bitterness behind her flawless and perfect appearance. She was so ugly underneath, Hyungwon hated it with every fiber of his being. Then his father was standing in front of him, looking disappointed and his face was getting uglier with every moment Hyungwon was looking at him. There was his office, clients, documents that needed to get viewed, meetings that needed to be attended. He needed to be perfect, fit into this society no matter the cost and the stress and the burden were pulling on him, holding him down, like a bundle of bricks weighing heavy on his feet.

  
“No! Please make them go away.” Hyungwon’s eyelids fluttered uncontrollably, but he didn’t know how to break free, how to change or control what he was experiencing. He tried to find Jooheon but the room was constantly moving, making it nearly impossible for him to set his focus. Everything was bizarre, a grotesque circus of the reality he was living in. And he was speeding a million miles an hour through the galaxy, so there was no way out for him and it felt like he was trapped for eternity.

  
“Follow my voice. You’re in the park. Listen to the birds singing in the trees. The whistle of the wind blowing through the crowns of the trees. The fallen leaves under your feet. It’s a nice morning. Just listen.” The voice said and Hyungwon followed. The ugly faces of his ex-wife, his father and all the things he thought he needed to control, slowly faded away and turned into the park - his safe place.

  
Slowly Hyungwon’s tension left his body and he sank back into the soft cloud again, closing his eyes. He started to walk through the park of dancing colors like an explorer of his own mind. The vibration of the music seemed to be under his feet, seemed to be the path he was moving on, and he smiled and laughed in excitement, danced around in the warm summer breeze. It didn’t feel like he had a body anymore, was just a wobbly mass of colors and light and the feeling of it made him laugh even more. Then something caught his attention and he manifested himself to the lake, where a gigantic banana was peacefully floating on the surface. It looked so perfect, so magnificent yellow and crooked. Hyungwon had never seen a more stunning banana in his life and he was so thankful to be able to see it now in all its beauty. 

  
Hyungwon saw a funny pink elephant juggling bright blue bowling balls on a unicycle passing by and he greeted him with a smile. Again, there was movement on the lake and he was curiously waiting for things to happen, open and willing for anything. And there he was, Hoseok, with his muscular bare chest glistening in the sun, gliding through the water on an alligator, like he was riding a jetski. He had something like a leash in his right hand, holding his left hand up heroically and Hyungwon recognized a hamster in Hoseok’s palm - Kihyun. Typically, even in his imagination Kiyhun was small.

  
He wasn’t expecting anything anymore. Everything was just flowing and he was flowing with it. Everything just looked like a scene from a Haruki Murakami novel. Unexplainable and slightly disturbing but you got used to it with time. Next thing he knew was him sitting on the big banana floating on the lake. Watching the peaceful scenery from up there was even more calming and reassuring how amazing life could be. And for a moment he became the banana itself, felt the water underneath him and the softness and sweetness under the shell. It would have been the right choice to get reborn as a banana but he also liked the body of pure energy he was using momentarily. 

  
The only person that had been missing was now sitting next to him - Minyhuk. God, had he always been that handsome? Hyungwon didn’t know but he was embracing him, kissing him without thinking twice. They were holding each other, falling down the banana and into the lake that wasn’t filled with water anymore but had transformed into a gigantic and most delicious strawberry cheesecake. Minhyuk’s lips tasted like strawberries as well and Hyungwon thought how blessed he was to be with him, to be free, to laugh and walk on the rainbow of his dreams with him. Oh, Hyungwon felt so good and when he opened his eyes he stared at the dancing lights at the ceiling, dumbly smiling. He had no idea how long he was already tripping or what the definition of time even meant, everything was just a dancing floating cosmos of light and music.

  
“How do you feel?” Jooheon asked him, his voice deep and calm.

  
“Fantastic.” Hyungwon said and smiled goofily at him. He tried to sit up as the feeling of having a functional body was coming back to him. Everything was far away, work, all his problems, all the things he regretted. His head wasn’t full of calculations, numbers and imitating a version of his father. No, he was a boy again, full of dreams and hope, wishing to find love and give love to others. There was just this moment of inner peace and the miracle of being alive, having a living functioning body and he thought it was beautiful. Hyungwon wanted to embrace the whole world so he just started by wrapping his arms around Jooheon, telling him how amazing he was - never ever would he have done something like this in a clearer state of mind.

  
His eyes wandered through the room, searching for one person in particular. Minhyuk was laying on his side, holding Changkyun in his arms, sharing slow kisses with him, but Hyungwon felt no betrayal, no jealousy, just longing. He didn’t even recognize that he had gotten up, taking a seat next to Minhyuk, softly touching his waist to catch his attention. And the way Minhyuk smiled at him after he had turned around made his heart skip a beat. How could he be real? Was any of this real or was he still inside his mind swimming in a pool of cheesecake with him?

  
“You’re so handsome.” Minhyuk softly giggled. He felt Minhyuk’s delicate fingers on his cheek, caressing his skin and it felt so much more intensive than any other time he had touched him. Only surpassing the intensity when they had been high on weed. Hyungwon’s hand slowly wandered over Minhyuk’s thigh, dancing over his hip bones and right under his shirt, eager to touch the warm skin underneath and it felt like a firework under his fingertips. His skin was so hot, so smooth, was practically screaming to be touched and when he felt Minhyuk’s lips melting into his own he couldn’t think or feel anything else. 

  
He tasted so sweet and his lips were even softer than he remembered them to be. And not just that, the moment their tongues met was like an explosion of colors. As if millions of stars collapsed at the same time, melting into something new, activating every single cell inside their bodies, every single recipient inside their brains. And Hyungwon could feel Minhyuk’s body shivering, as he let his fingers wander over the small of his back, and it was like Minhyuk’s body became an instrument itself, playing its part to the music still playing in the background. There were no differences between them anymore, nothing and nobody around them and Hyungwon knew this was it. This was what he was longing for all along, to feel whole and he only was whole with Minhyuk. The kisses they shared seemed to last for a lifetime, were never enough. Even a brief moment, gasping for air felt too long of separation. 

  
They took off each other's clothes and every bare skin that was offered felt like they were seeing and touching it for the very first time. In a way, Hyungwon was in a completely different state of mind and it was definitely the first time for him to face Minhyuk like this. But it also felt right, it just had to be this way, like they were two pieces perfectly fitting together. It wasn't even a question if they had a deeper connection or if this would end in a very bad experience. No, they both just knew that they just had to be one.

  
Hyungwon sank down between Minhyuk’s spread legs, welcoming him. His body felt so hot under his hands, his skin nearly burning up and Hyungwon was simply unable to stop himself. He just had to kiss and worship his body with his hands and lips, leaving sweet little marks on his shoulders and neck. There were still marks on Minhyuk’s inner thighs and his back and Hyungwon never got tired marking him over and over again. He was already telling the world that Minhyuk was with him. That he wanted them to be exclusive. Touching him now was still different from any other time before, it was just insatiable, never enough and nearly too much simultaneously. Hyungwon hadn’t realized how hard he already was until he felt Minhyuk’s warm hands closing around both their cocks, rubbing them in slow, almost painful movements. 

  
“Fuck.” Hyungwon hissed under his breath. He needed him, needed to be inside of him, just be one with him and he knew that Minhyuk wanted it too. It was odd and Hyungwon couldn’t explain why but it was like he knew exactly what Minhyuk was feeling. What he wanted and needed. At the same time, Minhyuk seemed to know what he was feeling as if they shared one pool of feelings and emotions, were connected on a higher level Hyungwon didn’t even know was possible. 

  
Hyungwon felt another hand on his back and looked over his shoulder just to see Jooheon offering him a bottle of lube with a soft expression on his face. His dimples looked really cute, though. Taking off his clothes in front of strangers and letting them watch him fucking another man had been an unimaginable thing for Hyungwon before. But in his actual state of mind, it felt perfectly normal. And it wasn’t just any man, he shared something far more valuable with Minhyuk than he could have ever imagined and Hyungwon wanted to praise and celebrate this moment forever. 

  
Without hesitation, he took the lube from Jooheon and squeezed a great amount on his fingers to prepare Minhyuk for him. Just the feeling of the lube alone was so new, so sticky, but smooth and cold on his skin. And when he entered Minhyuk’s sinful hole with his fingers it felt like taking a hot shower after walking through the cold. It nearly burned and Minhyuk’s body was already arching in desperation, while his moans sounded like the song of an angel. Hyungwon tried not to focus too much on Minhyuk’s movements, still stroking both their cocks together between his perfect warm hands, but on preparing him. Feeling his muscles loosen up, yes, welcoming every single one of his fingers was so fascinating and he would have never thought that preparation could be such an intensive process. It was as if Minhyuk’s body was speaking to him, guiding Hyungwon’s fingers exactly to the point where he needed it the most. And oh, the moment Minhyuk whined out loud in pleasure when he finally found his prostate and stimulated it with two of his fingers, Hyungwon could feel the vibration running through every cell in his body. He knew Minhyuk was ready for him so he withdrew his fingers, could feel the desperation of his entrance, so demanding to get filled by his cock.

  
Minhyuk was fast in grabbing the lube to cover Hyungwon’s cock generously and if he had thought the lube on his fingers had already filled his system with excitement, then feeling it on his oversensitive cock made him feel like he was floating through the air once again. But all those feelings were nothing compared to the moment when he finally thrust inside of Minhyuk’s glorious hole because at that very second everything was falling apart. Their bodies were one and they eventually transformed into pure starlight, too overwhelming to grasp it with their minds, to understand it. There was no way to compare this feeling to anything else and it was less an act of pleasure and lust than more a spiritual encounter, a complex emotional process. And it was perfect.

  
The walls around his cock felt so tight and at the same time, Hyungwon got the impression that his cock was twice as hard and big inside of Minhyuk than normal. And when he finally started to thrust into him nice and slow, the pull of the cosmos was astronomical. Hyungwon could feel every vibration running through Minhyuk's body like it was talking to him in a language only he could decipher and understand. His sweet moans mixed up with the music only lifted them higher and higher and Hyungwon would have nearly lost himself in this intoxicating feeling hadn't Minhyuk wrapped his arms around his neck, kissing him with his entire being. 

  
Everything was just overstimulating as Hyungwon was only grinding his hips, still going painfully slow but so deeply into Minhyuk's perfect hole. Their kisses felt like thunderstorms on their lips and in their mouths. Hyungwon couldn't tell how long they stayed like this but he couldn’t stop looking at Minhyuk. His already perfect appearance now looked like he was a living god and he stayed like this, wasn’t turning ugly like the hallucinations he had of his ex-wife. 

  
It was definitely harder to concentrate on the act itself, as every touch, every kiss, every moan was already so mind-blowing. But they couldn’t stop, needed to share this moment of deep appreciation and love with each other. Oh God, he really loved him, Hyungwon just knew it and he felt it with every fiber of his being. And he could have just laid there in his arms, being one with Minhyuk. Although his mind would sometimes wander off, coming back to find himself balls deep into this perfect man under him made the experience even better.

  
“Fuck me, Hyungwon. You feel so good.” Minhyuk murmured raspy against his red kissed lips, drunken from the overwhelming feelings of their connection. He closed his legs around Hyungwon’s slim hips and pulled him even closer so Hyungwon tried to concentrate more on his cock inside of Minhyuk. His tight walls were squeezing him, welcoming, not to say worshipping, him with each deep thrust and Hyungwon thought he was melting into him, was only riding on the sweet symphony of his moans and the shivers of his body. A bit at a time he fucked him harder, increased his pace and wrapped his hand around Minhyuk’s hard perfectly shaped cock to pleasure him even more and got completely lost in the process. 

  
It took them forever to come close to their orgasm but the high lasted so long, was so addictive that Hyungwon had wished it would have lasted forever. But when he finally came, filled Minhyuk with his cum for the first time, it wasn’t just colorful dancing dots he saw behind his eyelids or just a vision of black and white. No, it was more like he was touched by an angel, had stepped right into heaven to get embraced by the warmth and joy and the endless bliss of beauty. When Hyungwon sank down on Minhyuk’s warm body and into his arms, closed his eyes for a moment it was as if they had connected on a whole new level, were inseparably wired and shared the same heartbeat. He didn’t know how long the sex had lasted as time had slipped away as well as the existence of Jooheon and Changkyun. Everything Hyungwon could feel was the heat of Minhyuk’s body under him and he wasn’t willing to let him go. He felt Minhyuk's irregular breathing, the heaving of his chest but couldn't say for sure if it maybe wasn't his own.

  
Yes, he wanted Minhyuk to stay by his side, to see his smile every single day. He wanted to walk with him through the park and feel the playful easiness of their relationship. A life without him wasn’t an option anymore and Hyungwon had known it for quite some time. But now, right at this moment, he knew it was real. It wasn’t a question anymore if Minhyuk had feelings for him, he just knew it, felt it and even if his world was upside down he knew this beautiful man would stay by his side. He had wanted this for so long, feel a connection to someone that was real and warm and comforting. Maybe it had started with a one-night-stand and became a strange arrangement that couldn’t be explained but they provided an environment for something special to grow even though they didn’t talk much about their past or work. It simply didn’t matter because they were always living in the moment, enjoying the moments of happiness together. 

  
Hyungwon wanted to be the man he was with Minhyuk because this was the man he was longing to be for so long. He wanted to put off the mask he had been wearing for too long, cut the ties that were holding him back nearly his entire life. It was time for him to start living and he saw it more clearly than ever due to the influence of the mushrooms. For a moment he drifted off again, just listening to the music and Minhyuk’s heartbeat, feeling Minhyuk’s soft fingers caressing the small of his back and his nape. He smelled so good, like home and sex.

  
“I'm about to fall in love with you I guess.” Hyungwon said, wasn’t thinking about it. He wasn’t even sure if it was just a voice in his head that had said it or if the words had left his lips loud enough for Minhyuk to hear them. He had the feeling that he knew him since forever.

  
"I already do." The vibration of Minhyuk's voice echoed through his eardrums as if an angel had spoken to him. He knew what those words meant and they moved him deeply, still, he kept his eyes shut and simply smiled. God, this side of him was so blessed and he would have never thought that it was possible for him to feel this way - but it was so easy. Right at this moment, he wouldn't even know how to be that person everyone wanted him to be, the successful businessman in tailored suits, with his sharp mind paired with his excellent ability to negotiate with every client. 

  
He loved numbers and to solve problems for others but he hadn't had the time to solve his own in the first place. And all the time he had tried to relax had been merely a gasp for breath while he was drowning. Hyungwon couldn't live like this anymore, he needed to swim up to the surface, to feel the sun on his skin and to fill his dried up lungs with fresh oxygen. 

  
"Hyungwon." he heard Minhyuk call his name, his voice as soft as a feathery kiss. "Let's go outside."  

  
They got up from their comfortable position, laying naked on the cushions, and dressed roughly. Jooheon prepared a thick warm blanket for them since the cold November air was immediately piercing their warm skin as they stepped out on the veranda. Minhyuk and Hyungwon sat down on the wooden floor and wrapped the blanket around them as their bodies started so shiver through the cold, holding each other close, spending warmth and comfort. It had gotten misty outside and everything was tinted in faded colors as if the grey fog had stripped them away from the bushes, grass and even the sky. Nevertheless, the air was so clean, and Hyungwon paid close attention to the whispers of the wind blowing through the branches and the chirping of the birds in the distance. This was indeed the peace he had been longing for so long and he couldn't stop smiling. He was so thankful to be alive and experience this very moment with Minhyuk. 

  
And because he was so thankful he reached out for his phone to call Hoseok and no sooner than he heard that the latter had picked up he started talking. Hyungwon wasn't even sure what he was saying but he emphasized how grateful he was to be alive, that Hoseok was his friend and how beautiful nature was. He might have said things about Minhyuk too, but he wasn't sure. Right now, Hyungwon was just feeling great and alive, like he had finally left the cage he had been sitting in. He pulled Minhyuk closer and softly kissed his temple, didn't wait for Hoseok to answer and put the phone down to enjoy this wonderful moment with the handsome man beside him.  

  
Even now that he was slowly gliding back into full consciousness he felt no impulse in pushing Minhyuk away or to let this weekend end without them being close to each other. He could still feel this tight bond between them, now more than ever. Sure, he didn’t know how his life was going to continue after this weekend but it was crystal clear that both sides of him were now on the loose and had to face each other. As far as Hyungwon was concerned, he wanted to try something different, something that wasn’t his father nor another mask he was putting on. He wanted to try to be himself and Minhyuk was definitely the key that had unlocked the door. A door Hyungwon had wanted to close shut, too afraid of the consequences. Now, he was going to face them and he would survive.

  
His mind was slowly putting itself back together in its usual state, though his brain was rewired. New pieces had been added, others had been removed. Hyungwon could tell that he was indeed a different person and he hadn’t had ever experienced anything like it. Live was just so imaginary, and the voice of his father in the back of his head, that was endlessly analyzing and ascribing meaning to everything was simply not real. It was quiet inside his mind. 

  
“Is this how it feels to be free?” Hyungwon asked, leaning his head on Minhyuk’s that was resting on his shoulder. 

  
“It’s the feeling of you being alive.” Minhyuk said quietly, eyes fixed upon the sky, while he intervened their fingers under the blanket.   
  


_ There’s nothing like it,  _ Hyungwon thought and enjoyed the comedown of the psilocybin trip that could only be described as a mellow and life-affirming experience.     
  


And while their faces grew colder and the sky darker, the first snowflakes began to fall.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I leave you with the illusion of happiness :D What do you think is going to happen?
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)
> 
>  [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)
> 
> Special thanks to my friends who inspired the dialogs between Changkyun and Minhyuk and the hallucinations ❤️ 
> 
> It is to say that magic mushrooms allow you to change the way you look at things and to explore yourself and to bond with nature and also the people you love the most and of course yourself. Having sex in this state is only recommended with someone you truly trust and bond with, so it already says a lot about Hyunghyuk's relationship without them really being committed to each other.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the pressure becomes unbearable it only leaves a trail of destruction behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's long and a hell of a ride so buckle up! I wanted to focus on the change in Hyungwon's life so there's a lot going on here.

There was no place like home - at least that was what people say all the time. However, the moment Hyungwon stepped back into his lifeless apartment it didn't feel the slightest bit like home. Everything looked exactly the way he had left it before his trip to the mountains over the weekend. The weekend that had changed him. More than ever, he felt like a stranger in his own home, walking through the quiet rooms, looking at the dustless surfaced of the cupboards, the stainless ceiling to floor windows that offered him a view over the neighborhood. A view that was offered to him every single day since he had moved into this apartment. At first, everything was new and exciting but after a while, he became sick of the view, of the routine, the steps he could count.

 

Hyungwon and Minhyuk had stayed the night at Jooheon's and Changkyun's house, and when Hyungwon had woken up this morning, everything looked normal but felt so much different than ever before. They had breakfast together and even if he had judged all this Hippie lifestyle before he couldn't have cared less now. In fact, all of them were nice and welcoming people living a different life from what Hyungwon was used to but it wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t wrong to live far away from the city in a house in the woods and it wasn’t wrong to live in the city following everyday routines. The crucial point was simply the decision for every single individual how to create a life that worked best for them. A life that was fulfilled with happiness. And Hyungwon was fully facing the truth that he wasn’t happy with the life he was living, that he hadn’t been even alive before he had met Minhyuk.

 

He had driven the Hippie back home and they had parted with a long and warm kiss. The smile that had lightened up Minhyuk’s face had been so unbelievably beautiful, had made it even harder to let him go. After all the quietness of the woods, getting back into the city, being confronted by the hectic and rushing motions felt like stepping into another world. Now that he had left the traffic behind, the quietness of his apartment seemed to swallow him whole. It was definitely different from being surrounded by calming nature and he wished to go back there. Hyungwon had been aware that something was going to change the moment he decided to take those mushrooms but he still wasn’t aware of its dimensions. 

 

Barefoot, Hyungwon was stepping into the living room, feeling the cold wooden floor under his feet and the softness of the carpet once he sat down on the couch. He didn't bother to turn on the lights, the room was lit enough thanks to the big windows. The world was a strange place and made so little sense no matter the days, weeks, months and years he lived but now he was questioning the life he was living, fully aware that he couldn’t go on like this. Since the impact of the psilocybin had faded Hyungwon felt like his harddrive had been rebooted and everything that was holding him down was offered to him defenseless. He had always known it was there but now he could see it clearly in front of him and he didn’t like it. 

 

It became clear that small changes wouldn’t be enough to turn his life around and he had no idea how to get up the next morning, throwing on another designer suit and tie to convince the world that he was someone he clearly was not. He had built his life on a bunch of lies and if he wanted to live his own, out of the shadow of his father, then the whole Jenga tower had to fall over. But even though he could see everything more clearly now, thinking about the next possible steps was terrifying. Sure, Hyungwon could also move on without changing anything but he wasn’t sure if this was even an option for him anymore. 

 

He liked Minhyuk, it was a fact, and it was clearly out of discussing to throw him out of his life at this point, but they still hadn’t talked about the confession. Indeed, the memory of the confession felt like a fever dream and in retrospect, Hyungwon probably wouldn’t have confessed to him without the influence of the mushrooms, but he didn’t regret it either. Telling Minhyuk that he was about to fall in love with him was quite the most honest thing he had ever said to someone. The feeling was so much different compared to his ex-wife. Everything with Minhyuk was so much different and Hyungwon wanted this life with him even though they didn't know much about each other. It was honest and it provided Hyungwon with a comforting calmness he had never experienced before. 

 

He wouldn’t miss one day without seeing his smile, holding him close and just experience and explore this world with him instead of being stuck in his everyday grey routine. Moreover, Minhyuk had told him that he was already in love with him and he knew it was true, that it wasn’t just a scam or pretended. Not to mention, that the Hippie never lied to him once, just didn’t tell. But did this made them a couple already? Didn’t people already see them as one every time they went out together or behaved like children, bickering and laughing while sitting in the park or walking down the riverside? And wasn’t it similar to the way Hoseok and Kihyun found together? There had always been tension between them and they only put a label on their relationship recently after dating for more than half a year. It hadn’t been the label that made it real for them, but their chemistry, the strong bond, and love between them. 

 

“What am I supposed to do with all this?” he whispered into the darkness of the room, brushing his hair back with his right hand, letting it pause for a moment at the top of his head. Slowly, he sank down on the couch and closed his eyes, not bothering that he was still fully dressed. It didn’t matter. Instead, he allowed his thoughts to flow and paid them closer attention - something he would’ve always ignored before. What would he change in his life if he had the opportunity to do whatever he wanted? What would fulfill him with happiness and make him the person he really was? Not to mention, what was going to happen if he would finally stand his ground in front of his father? 

 

His father was always inside his mind. A silent reminder, an ideal, how he had to behave, to act, to dress. A reminder of how he had to function within the society he was born into. But it wasn’t providing him with anything but pressure and misery because Hyungwon felt alone. Not even alone, _lonely_. Even though Hoseok was his best friend and was always there for him when he needed him - or also when he didn’t need him - Hyungwon was seeking the same amount of abundance he had. And it wasn’t only because he seemed so happy with Kihyun and was talking about him all the time. No, also because he was doing what he loved and could be who he was with a person that supported him no matter what. And Hyungwon had thought it was okay to look away, to take care of his work only and to work on projects he had given himself, to bury his personal thoughts and worries with calculations, presentations, and negotiations with potential clients. 

 

Hoseok was right as he had assumed that Hyungwon was afraid of letting his guard down and it was obvious that it wasn’t possible to explain the effect of his mushroom trip with a mathematical and logical approach. He was perfectly aware of that, especially now that he had felt it with every fiber of his being what it was like to be connected to someone on a deeper spiritual level. There was a reason he felt so drawn to Minhyuk from the very beginning and it couldn’t be explained with words. It was just there and it was beautiful and it was something all the money in the world couldn’t buy. 

 

Now that his mind was clear, Hyungwon knew that he had to step away from his father, that he had to cut the ties that were holding him back for so long. And maybe it meant to step into an unknown future, it probably was still worth the risk. Although he was used to taking risks, since it came with the field of his work, taking one for his own personal life still felt strange and inconvenient. Being with Minhyuk had been an inconvenience at first, as well, but due to his cheerful personality, it had been impossible for Hyungwon to step away from him. He was taking his hand so easily, dragging him into a new world of possibilities Hyungwon hadn’t dared to dream about since he was a teenager. But why did he know? Why did he exactly know that Hyungwon had needed this? To be with him, learning to relax, connecting and making peace with himself? It wasn’t a thing that was simply written all over his face, was it?

 

And while he was watching his thoughts passing by, he slowly drifted away into the world of dreams. A world where everything was possible, where no borders existed and Hyungwon could be free and weightless like he was on the trip.

 

When the alarm was ringing him out of his sweet dreams again the next morning, Hyungwon immediately regretted falling asleep on the couch. The only thing it was good for was to sit on and to look good as a designer piece in a designer living room but definitely not to get a good night's sleep on it. Well, obviously he did sleep as deep as he normally would have but as he was about to get up his back pain was nearly killing him. 

 

“Jesus. That’s it. I’m buying a new one.” he mumbled and tried to stretch his stiff body, the sound of cracking joints filling the room as well as the strained wheezing of their owner. 

 

Hyungwon followed his all too familiar morning routine. Taking a hot shower, shaving and getting dressed, making himself ready for work and his walk through the park. Only now he came to realize how long it had been that he actually had had the chance to take those walks all by himself. The entire autumn had slipped away right before his eyes and a lot of his routines had changed only because of Minhyuk. And not just that, no matter how annoying he thought this Hippie was, at some point, he had been looking forward to his calls and to meet him after work. All this time he had thought that going back to his normal routine would be a blessing, but now everything was just too quiet, nearly outlandish. 

 

As Hyungwon stood in front of the mirror to tie his tie, the normally protecting armor felt like a burden. Once it had fit like a second skin, keeping the distance between him and others and underlined his authority. Only now it felt uncomfortable like he was wearing clothes that were way too small for him. Clothes of another person he didn’t know, or rather, a person he didn’t want to be anymore. But he knew that he couldn’t just quit his job - well maybe he could actually, with the amount of money he had on the side, though it wasn’t his style to jump right into the unknown without knowing how deep it was. 

 

Hyungwon was playing his role always convincing, even if he wasn’t convinced of the person he showed to the world himself. But now that he was examining himself closely in the mirror, he wasn’t so sure about his skills as an actor anymore. Not because he couldn’t fool people, it was more a matter of being tired of fooling others, acting every single day. A deep sigh left his lips as he stepped away from the mirror and went over to his study to collect all the documents he would need. Before he left the apartment he opened the chat with Minhyuk on his phone and typed a message, something very atypical for him. Under normal circumstances, Hyungwon would only respond to Minhyuk’s texts instead of actually start a conversation with him, though, he just wanted to text him that morning. 

 

Due to the cold winter morning, Hyungwon was dressed in a warm light brown coat, the scarf around his neck as well as expensive as the coat itself - but he couldn’t have cared less. He ordered his usual coffee, chatting with the barista before he finally came in the enjoyment of taking his quiet walk through the park - alone. The scenery that was offered to him was indescribably relaxing. Pure white snow covered the grass that was usually showing its vibrant green color to the pedestrians. It wasn’t a thick blanket of white, but still enough to cover the ground, showing a labyrinth of footsteps and paw prints crisscrossing each other. The brown benches peeked out under the thin layer of snow, resting upon the wood like a feather cushion, soft and marvelous. 

 

The morning sun bestowed brilliance, igniting the colors of white to vibrant oceans of starlight, so Hyungwon had to squint his eyes. As he walked over to the lake, he saw that the lake’s water was coated by a layer of cracking ice, beautifully shimmering in the sunlight, hiding the unknown mysteries underneath. Hyungwon remained standing by the lake for a while, closing his eyes, consciously exploring the feeling of the warmth of the coffee cup in his hand, the cold breeze caressing over his face, painting his cheeks and nose slightly red. There was the sound of the traffic in the distance, muffled footsteps passing behind him, birds singing their songs up in the trees. And there was his own breathing, making his chest rise and fall in a steady rhythm. Hyungwon felt the cold air going in through his nose, filling his body with oxygen and he imagined the white cloud forming in front of him, hovering through the air and eventually vanished, as he exhaled. 

 

It was true, he didn’t spare much time for himself, was always planning ahead never really leaving anything to chance. Sure, the strategy was working well in terms of business decisions but to the cost of his own life, of losing the person he was, exchanging it for a person he needed to be. As he opened his eyes, he looked above the bare trees in the direction of the company’s building. No, his life shouldn’t be just that, just work, clients and expensive goods and he needed to learn to create a healthy work-life-balance like Hoseok. Considering especially the circumstances, that he wasn’t planning to kick Minhyuk out of his life anytime soon. 

 

Although, Hyungwon was very aware of the fact that this would mean a lot of work on another level because the gap between Minhyuk’s and his life was crucial. At least that was what people would tell them, but the truth was, being with Minhyuk was the easiest and most natural thing. It was like breathing and there was nothing _wrong_ about it, about them being together. And there was basically nothing wrong with Hyungwon being the person he wanted to be. 

 

 

 

The moment he walked out of the elevator he was greeted by his secretary, briefing him for the day and for the first time since he started working at the company he wondered if she had a husband and children waiting for her at home. Considering that she was staying inhumane long hours because of him was making him a very unpleasant supervisor. It was basically the same situation he had with his maid Mrs. Minji and he felt sorry for acting this way, taking people for granted, thinking of them lesser than himself. But what gave him the right to do so? Only because his bank account had more zeros behind the comma? Or because his name was printed at the door with his title? Maybe because of the said title? It looked more like Hyungwon was one hell of a douchebag thanks to his pleasant social status. 

 

It was all he could think of while his secretary was handing him one document after another, pointing at colorful post-its with numbers and names on it that looked familiar. Everything was familiar. Nothing had changed around him, but everything was different on the inside. 

 

“Mr. Chae? Is everything alright?” Hyungwon heard her say and looked up from the documents into her concerned face - an expression she had quite often when she looked at him. And additional to that, lately she was asking this question quite often as well.

 

“Sure. Thank you for your hard work.” he said, slightly smiling at her, which made her leave the office in bewilderment. Seeing a smile on Hyungwon’s lips was obviously a very strange sight for others and it made him even more aware of the fact that he wasn’t doing something like this very often. It was true that he wanted to keep the distance between him and others, operating as a professional through and through but it had never really bothered him. Now it did, and the realization hit him hard. Previously Hyungwon would have wanted to turn around and walk away, but he was facing the problem, looking right at it, but the view wasn’t pleasant at all. 

 

This would have been one of those moments Hyungwon felt embarrassed of himself, not being perfect, not acting a certain way. Although, all he could feel was helpless. Helpless because he could have made a change in his life earlier and now that it was there everything felt twisted like he was watching a movie about his own life. His head was full of thoughts that had nothing to do with the documents and numbers he had to check and he found himself staring at the computer monitor, reading the same paragraph for the third time without understanding it. 

 

“Get yourself together.” Hyungwon sighed and rubbed his nape with his left hand, hoping that this wasn’t how every single day of his work routine would look like from now on just because he took those mushrooms. God, he really looked forward to lunchtime so he could finally talk to Hoseok about it. He couldn’t quite believe that he really wanted to talk to Hoseok when he was mostly listening to his never-ending love story about Kihyun. But, in his defense, Hyungwon had been on an LSD trip over the weekend and he actually liked this annoying Hippie romantically. This was clearly a situation where he needed professional expertise. He simply wasn’t used for love feeling so easy and so good, was given to him as a present and not in exchange for something else. 

 

When lunchtime arrived, Hyungwon went over to Hoseok's office, leaning on the white counter where Kihyun was sitting. He couldn't see the monitor from where he was standing but judging by the papers in front of Kihyun, he was looking into some changes Hoseok had made for the next layouts. A pretty normal thing for both of them to do. Hyungwon leaning on the counter and Kihyun was going to inform him that Hoseok would be there in just a minute.

 

"He'll be with you in a minute." Kihyun said as he abandoned his task for a moment, letting his eyes wander up and down on Hyungwon. Was there something in his face? A stain on his expensive white shirt? 

 

"So… how was your weekend, Hyungwon?" As Kihyun was asking this question he leaned on his forearms, resting on the desk. He had a resemblance to a cat, eyes fixed on its prey, ready to hunt it down and play with it. Hyungwon always felt unable to imagine the Kihyun Hoseok was talking about because this man was just intimidating. Small, fashionable and sometimes angry. An angry hamster just like in his hallucination.

 

"Why are you asking?" Kihyun was never asking. Why was he asking him now? Did he sense something? Kihyun looked far too happy and interested for not knowing anything. The important detail was that Hyungwon had totally forgotten about the phone call he had made while he was tripping. He could vaguely recall that his phone had been involved at some point but he couldn’t tell if he had actually spoken to someone or not. Oh God, did he call Kihyun to tell him that he was an angry hamster? 

 

“I’m just being a good friend asking about your weekend.” 

 

“Since when are we sharing deep personal stuff exactly?” Hyungwon looked at him even more skeptical, raising his left eyebrow. 

 

“Since Hoseok and I came together but that’s not important here. I’m just surprised you got your own boyfriend now.” 

 

“I don’t have a boyfriend.” Hyungwon protested but only because there simply wasn’t any label attached to his relationship with Minhyuk. It was unnecessary to ask how Kihyun knew about that since Hoseok was sharing everything with him. They were still staring at each other as Hoseok stepped out of his office and into this very questionable scenario of Kihyun and Hyungwon. Kihyun had gotten up from his chair and since Hyungwon was still leaning on the counter, they shared the same eye level. 

 

“But you’re dating a handsome stranger.” 

 

“Hearsay. You don’t have any proof to substantiate your statement.” 

 

“Hoseok is a very reliable witness, in this case, Mr. Chae.” 

 

“He’s your boyfriend. He doesn’t count.” 

 

“He’s your best friend, so he does. Do you know that all the women around here think you’re only married to your work? So seeing you actually open your heart for someone else is like snowfall in summer.” Kihyun was clicking his tongue and straightened his back, never letting his eyes off Hyungwon. 

 

“Touché. And for your information this hypothetical handsome stranger is different. He’s not like them.” 

 

It wasn’t the first time Kihyun and Hyungwon got dragged into friendly discussions like this. One might say it was simply their understanding of having fun since both men had sharp minds and liked to use good argumentations to get things done. Kihyun softly hummed and smiled as if he got the confirmation he had intended to get and sat down on his chair. 

 

“See you after lunch.” the secretary said in Hoseok’s direction and the latter softly smiled at him before wrapping his arm around Hyungwon’s broad shoulders, strolling off to the elevator to eat at their usual restaurant near the company. 

 

Hyungwon knew many of the women and some men around the company called him _the ice prince_ due to his incapability to take care of a woman, at least not emotionally. It was enough to have sex, taking care of the physical needs and the tension but he always seemed too far away. Untouchable for the world. He could talk about his work for hours, though nobody wanted to talk about this kind of things on a date and Hyungwon simply frightened them off. There simply had never been a real connection to any of those people and he couldn’t recall that he even had the impulse to bring this topic up with Minhyuk. 

 

It was strange to compare the person other people were used to seeing, to the person he was with Minhyuk. Of course, everyone was wearing different kinds of masks with different kinds of people but this was new. The stages of change Minhyuk had brought to his life were real but now Hyungwon got the impression that his life wasn’t fitting anymore. Still, he had to be careful, not making any precipitous decisions that could harm his life in the long run even more.

 

Furthermore, Hyungwon just realized the fact that Kihyun and especially Hoseok had always been there, standing by his side no matter what was going on in his life. He had never really taken the time to appreciate their friendship, to thank them or to give something in return. Friendship was a balanced interaction between taking and giving but Hyungwon was wondering what exactly he had ever given back to Hoseok all this time they knew each other. It was hard enough to believe that Hoseok liked to hang out with him as he could imagine that a more extroverted person would be a much better fit. 

 

It wasn’t like Hyungwon thought he wasn’t good company, but he didn’t know what he could offer others as his life was mainly gravitating towards his work and less around friendly social interactions. Nevertheless, Hoseok was there so was Minhyuk, the most annoying person he had ever met but who had done everything to make Hyungwon happy. Minhyuk was giving him so much and he didn’t know why.

 

“Hyungwon, hey, Hyungwon.” 

 

 _But what am I offering in return to Hoseok and Minhyuk?_ Hyungwon thought, unaware that he had spaced out sitting across the table from Hoseok at the restaurant. He couldn’t remember when they had ordered their food but they had obviously taken the same as always, the dishes on the table were confirming it. 

 

“Hey, Hyungwon!” said man, looked up to the weaving hand in front of his face and blinked confusedly a few times. 

 

“I smoked weed and took magic mushrooms.” Hyungwon said completely out of context, wasn’t even thinking about it and all Hoseok could do was looking incredulously at him. He definitely had questions concerning this statement. 

 

“Well, congratulations? I hope you didn’t take them both at the same time.” 

 

Hoseok supported every step Hyungwon was making out of his comfort zone as long as he stayed safe and still took care of himself. He was highly supportive of Hyungwon dating Minhyuk even though he didn’t really know him but he seemed to have a positive impact on the young CEO. 

 

“What? No, of course not.” Hyungwon mumbled and reached out for the chopsticks, stuffing some rice into his mouth, though he wasn’t really hungry anymore. Cheating, having sex with a handsome stranger, he wanted to be with, and now taking drugs with an additional crisis - was there anything Hyungwon could do to make Hoseok seriously speechless? 

 

“How was it?” Hoseok asked with a grin on his lips. 

 

“Wow, I could murder someone and you would still be here, huh?” Hyungwon sighed, partly concerned about Hoseok’s sanity but also relieved to have such a reliable friend by his side. 

 

“Out of the question. So? How was it? I mean you’ve never even smoked a cigarette before.” Right, he jumped right into it. 

 

Since they were sitting in a separated area it was probably safe enough for Hyungwon to spill his scandalous experiences with Minhyuk. At least Hoseok seemed used to it by now, that Hyungwon’s life got spiced up with a lot more excitement. 

 

“Scary? Especially before I took any of them, it felt so wrong. But somehow, one look into Minhyuk’s eyes and I thought it would be okay. We smoked weed right at our first encounter and had mindblowing sex that night, but then I saw him fucking his roommate the morning after and discovered he stole my money. But I couldn’t let go of him and it wasn’t logic, still isn’t, though. Anyway, I told you he invested it in something, right? So we met nearly every day, having sex or just spending time together, looking at the stars and I told myself it’s just until Minhyuk showed me this investment, but…” 

 

“But something changed while you two were together.” Hoseok said softly and smiled at him. He wasn’t going to add anything else, had only spoken because it seemed hard for Hyungwon to talk about it and considering that he would rarely speak about his feelings this conversation was a huge step for him. 

 

“Something changed and I was so eager to fight against it while telling myself that it was okay to enjoy being with him. I have to add that Minhyuk isn’t like us, or I don’t really know.” Hyungwon paused as speaking out loud his ingrained beliefs about social differences seemed almost ridiculous now after all this time he had spent with a Hippie. 

 

“Working in finance?” 

 

“You’re so not funny, Hoseok.” Hyungwon groaned, seeing right through Hoseok’s behavior to comfort him with humor. 

 

“What I wanted to say is, that he’s not sharing our social status and I behaved like a total asshole, hoping nobody would actually see us together during the day.” 

 

“But when I met him he didn’t seem any different?” Hoseok looked confused and Hyungwon knew exactly why. 

 

“Minhyuk is into this hippie lifestyle, that’s why I was concerned but then he showed up in expensive clothing. He knew exactly how to behave at restaurants and it’s so confusing because I don’t really know who he is and what to believe, but he seems to know my concerns and he seems to know exactly what I need. That said, he finally showed me the investment on the weekend and we actually spent time in the mountains with two of his hippie friends. You probably have a presentiment about it: Yes the magic mushrooms were the investment.” 

 

“Okay, this is all super questionable and confusing coming from you but go on.” 

 

“Tell me about it.” Hyungwon sighed and took a sip from his coke before he continued. “I became angry when they showed me the mushrooms and I couldn’t understand why this should be something I would want to invest my money in. At least not until Minhyuk told me he thought I deserve to take a step back from all those expectations and just experience peace and love. Well… so I stayed and took them and we actually had sex while we were tripping and apparently you can only do that when there’s a real connection between two people and maybe we confessed our feelings for each other but haven’t talked about it since. Anyway, everything is just confusing and I feel so different like I need to change something in my life. As if this arrangement isn’t fitting anymore, as if this isn’t me and never really was me. Does this make any sense to you?” 

 

“This, at least, explains your phone call.” Oh God, there really was a phone call. Hoseok could only laugh watching Hyungwon getting pale and trying to hide behind his hands. 

 

“I have to say, it was really heartwarming and I’ve never heard you talking about our friendship like this. You sounded really relaxed and thankful like you finally found a place where you could be without any expectations. To be honest, I’m so happy for you that you found someone who just pulled you out of this dark place, although the circumstances could have been different. But still, stop thinking about other people and decide what is best for you. When you’re unhappy with your job or your life you can always change it for the better.” 

 

“I don’t get it. It should have been like this in my marriage, shouldn’t it? This deep connection and the chance to just be… though, I don’t know anything about Minhyuk, how can I even think that this could be relationship material?” 

 

“Minhyuk is obviously not your ex-wife, Hyungwon. Besides, some people aren’t made for each other and that was apparently the case here. And if it feels good to be with Minhyuk, then be with him and take your time to get to know each other. Nobody says that you have to know everything right away and some things are unnecessary to talk about. Not just that, it doesn’t matter if Minhyuk has another social status, because it’s still your choice how to handle it. You can be ashamed or you can accept that you really like him as a human being no matter what because he seemed very confident being with you. Plus, no offense, you can be a handful too.” 

 

“None taken.” Hyungwon sighed and was so thankful again having a friend like Hoseok by his side, who was always there for him. Of course, he was right. Hyungwon was very fixated on other’s opinion while, at the same time, he was standing his ground when he was doing business. He caught a glimpse of the person he really wanted to be, lowered his guard for a life he could have, but a glimpse wasn’t enough and it meant more change and more courage to take another step forward. Another step away from all the things he used to know for years. Those things might hurt him, felt uncomfortable but Hyungwon knew how they felt and it brought a strange kind of security while change was frightening and new. 

 

“Do what feels right for you, okay? No matter how frightening it might be, you can be sure that Kihyun and I have your back. Although, please don’t become a hippie.” Hoseok grinned and Hyungwon really wanted to poke his chopsticks into his squishy cheeks that looked like charming leftovers of baby fat. There was probably no mean bone inside his body - at least Hyungwon hadn’t found one over the time of their friendship. Well, the good news was, he hadn’t talked over the phone about his weird hallucination of Hoseok riding an alligator holding hamster Kihyun in his hand. 

 

“Thank you, I appreciate it.” Hyungwon mumbled before they finished their lunch to go back to work. No, he would never become a hippie but he had yet to figure out what kind of person he wanted to be. 

 

Life was a playground with rules nobody really understood or even really knew about, so how could Hyungwon possibly say that the life he desired was wrong? Or that the life he had was right? He mostly made his decisions on facts, numbers and calculations he could proof and see on a piece of paper. The problem was that this approach didn’t work with personal issues and there were no guidelines for him how to live his life, so he looked around what people wanted him to be. A successful businessman, a husband, a handsome man in expensive clothing, driving an expensive car and living in a luxurious apartment. 

 

But were those really the expectations others had for him? Or was it only because he had presented himself like this in the first place? Other people were judging him by his presence and he was doing the same. Hyungwon had thought less of Minhyuk because he was dressed differently because his apartment wasn’t stuffed with impersonal expensive furniture but with whatever he liked. 

 

The moment Minhyuk had shown up in designer clothing had left him in confusion and he started to question who he really was. Would people question him as well if he started to live another life? Well, his parents definitely would think he lost his mind, but did he really care? They weren’t living his reality and other people could never understand how it was to be him because there was only one Chae Hyungwon with his fingerprints and his personality. He wanted to care less about them and more about himself, starting his own little rebellion against the world.

 

“What are we?” Hyungwon asked Minhyuk a few nights later, both naked, facing each other in bed. The question felt so helpless coming out of his mouth and a part of him had wanted to keep it inside, not wanting to show weakness in the first place. 

 

“I’m with you. Do you need a label for us to be anything?” Minhyuk’s voice was so warm, his fingers so soft caressing over his cheek. It was so comforting. 

 

“Are you seeing other men?” He had wanted to ask this question for so long. Especially now after their psilocybin trip that had only deepened their connection. Hyungwon wanted it to be real, wanted Minhyuk to stay, to be with him and he couldn’t stand the thought that he could leave him for somebody else. Was he still fooling around with his roommate?  

 

“I’m with you.” Minhyuk repeated, his voice still calm and there was this warm smile on his lips Hyungwon could never get enough of. 

 

"I was married." It just came out, he didn't know why he said it but the soft expression on Minhyuk's face never left. Only his fingers stopped its movement for a short while before they went on caressing Hyungwon's nape. 

 

"I don't know why I said that. I'm not used to all this. That it can feel this way to be with someone… but you probably figured this out by now." he sighed about how odd these words sounded and especially how unnecessary they were. Why should it matter?

 

"We all have a past, Hyungwon. There's no need for us to rush things or try to explain why things are as they are. Our journey started when we met at the market and we go from there. I can imagine how confusing everything must be but that's okay I can handle you by now." Minhyuk giggled at the end and Hyungwon couldn't help but smile at him. He let his fingers wander over the small of Minhyuk's back and up between his shoulder blades. 

 

"We're both a handful, huh? I still haven't figured you out." 

 

"What do you want to know?" It was indeed partly Hyungwon's fault that he didn't know as much as he wanted, simply because he had been too proud to ask. He had been too fast with his useless judgments.

 

"What did you study?" A basic question but he really wanted to know what Minhyuk was doing for a living or rather more about the things that excited him. Though, the whole mysterious act had its charms as well.

 

"You're so boring!" Minhyuk laughed and leaned his head back so he could look better at Hyungwon. "I studied literature and sociology." 

 

“So what? You are a writer or something?” It came out as a surprise but it kind of made sense, considering the way Minhyuk could read him like an open book. Although a small part of him wasn’t convinced that this was the only reason. 

 

“You can say so, yes. I won’t tell you my pseudonym to keep things interesting.” Fair enough. Did it change the way he looked at Minhyuk? It only made him thousand times more interesting. They stayed quiet for a moment and Hyungwon was thinking about what he wanted to ask him. Was he making that much money to afford expensive clothing? Why was he living like this and why did he decide to be with him instead of somebody else? But looking more closely nothing seemed important enough, except… 

 

“During the trip, you said you fell in love with me.” 

 

“It’s not a question.” 

 

“Is it true?” 

 

Minhyuk hummed softly and pushed Hyungwon on his back only to straddle his naked body. The blanket hung loosely around his waist and Hyungwon couldn’t stop his eyes from wandering over the bare flawless skin. He loved the weight on him, how Minhyuk’s knees rested to both sides of his body, how his firm thighs caged him in, how his long fingers caressed over his bare chest, how rosy and innocent his nipples looked in the light coming from the lamp on the bedside table, and of course his dark eyes sparkling like diamonds when they looked at him. 

 

“Don’t you feel it every time we're together?” 

 

He leaned down, brushing his lips over Hyungwon’s, his hot breath weightless like a feather falling on his skin. 

 

“I do.” It came out breathless, nearly inaudible yet loud enough for Minhyuk to hear and it was followed by a slow, sweet kiss. One of many. The way Minhyuk taught him that actions and feelings spoke more than a thousand words were fascinating but it was real and it made their connection so undeniably real as well.

 

Breaking out of deadlocked structures and routines wasn’t an easy task as Hyungwon should learn. It was one thing to slow the pace down, to leave work punctual instead of pulling all-nighters and only sleep on the weekends, and to meet Minhyuk after work to spend his rare free time with him. But it was a whole other story to keep functioning as his old self at his workplace. If he had thought that getting up every day seeing himself all dressed up in his fine suits had pressured him in the past then now he had gotten to the point where he was laying in his bed after the alarm went off asking himself if he really wanted to get up. 

 

Life was still rushing at full speed around him. Appointments, deadlines, documents, numbers, business trips, negotiations with investors and clients and nothing made any sense to Hyungwon anymore. What was the point in doing all this? What was it doing for him besides filling his bank account with money he wasn’t really using? It had once filled him with satisfaction seeing the zeros on his account increasing but now they were just that - numbers on the screen. Now that he knew a life that was different, that was filled with purpose he wanted to have the same purpose for his career. But he didn't know what else he wanted to do.

 

 _“Why not quit? No job is worth destroying yourself over it.”_ Minhyuk had asked him one night, looking truly concerned. 

 

_“It’s not that easy. It’s everything I know.”_

 

_“Can’t you at least take a break and go on vacation or something? I’m worried about you.”_

 

Hyungwon wasn’t familiar with taking a break or quitting, but he was at a point where he considered one of those options. Minhyuk and Hoseok were probably the only two people that kept him sane these days. It was still odd to let Minhyuk in his life, to let him be a part of it and be a part of his too. He had wished to discuss these kinds of things with his ex-wife while they were married. Now that he could talk with Minhyuk it still felt strange even though he had shared far more vulnerable moments with him. 

 

Everything he wanted to do was to lay down into the pure white blanket of snow, feeling the cold snowflakes melting on his warm skin until they eventually covered him. He didn’t want to freeze or die but to make the rush stop, the noises, the expectations. Just one moment to breathe like at the calm down phase of his psilocybin trip, when the comfortable silence of nature had embraced him and Minhyuk’s body had warmed him under the thick blanket. 

 

The winter had proceeded and Christmas followed by New Year was coming closer. This meant two things, the workload only increased, and the inevitable time he had to spent with his parents was waiting right at his doorstep. Hyungwon didn’t want to sacrifice himself for the deadlines, and he didn’t want to see his parents praising his younger brother and his pregnant wife. They would ask him subliminal if he was dating again, hoping for another perfect performance Hyungwon wasn’t willing to give. Just thinking about them all sitting together filled him with so much anger like he really wanted to break free from this oppressive feeling of being controlled and watched over. It was ugly and disgusting like the hallucination of his ex-wife and his father. 

 

Considering that he was going to disappoint them no matter what he would do, Hyungwon asked Minhyuk to come with him. If he was going to disappoint then at least for the right reason - because he had finally found someone he really had a connection with, someone he loved. Moreover, Hyungwon wanted them to see that he wasn’t willing to play by their rules anymore, not by anyone’s rules but his own. He told his mother over the phone that he was bringing someone so she could place the reservation at the restaurant. There was no need for specifying the gender of that person or giving any more details even when she was asking excitedly about it.

 

It seemed like every day was an internal struggle for the young CEO and Minhyuk was perfectly aware of it, Hyungwon knew it. Not only because he was sometimes mentioning it more because it got harder to actually hide it from him, from his colleagues and especially from himself. He needed a break or his mind was breaking him into pieces. Hoseok wasn’t getting tired of telling him to take care of himself too. Why was it so hard to finally let go of his old life? He had promised Minhyuk they’d go on a vacation but he had a feeling that it wasn’t enough, that he needed a clean cut. It became clearer with every passing day and it felt like he was losing every day. 

 

Hyungwon found it hard to concentrate on his work and the contracts he was reading on the screen made little to no sense at all. Everyone at the office was on edge at the end of the year, despite Hoseok had looked stressed this morning he was as encouraging as every other day. But today was the day. The day Hyungwon was meeting his family and the day he was presenting Minhyuk to them. After he had woken up this morning, he already had a premonition that this day wasn’t going to end well.

 

A knock at the door and his secretary was stepping in. She looked alarmed and bowed apologetically to disturb him like this. 

 

"I'm sorry for interrupting but there's an emergency and your assistance is needed."

 

"What is it?" Hyungwon asked and got up from his seat. Out of experience he knew, this meant nothing good. 

 

"Mr. Son is unavailable at the moment, due to the weather conditions his flight was delayed so he wants you to cover the meeting with the new investor since you're familiar with the case." 

 

"Is he already here?" Hyungwon hated this and it hit him like lightning that he had absolutely no idea about the case. He wasn't prepared, hadn't read the latest updates yet and there was no time for him to do so as his secretary informed him that the investor was already waiting in one of the conference rooms. The folder with all the information, documents and updates laid right there at the edge of his desk and he hadn’t read it. This was a total disaster and he was running into the opened knife unstrained.

 

The investor was known for being sensible and could only be won over with very good arguments and sure instinct and normally Hyungwon would have been the ideal candidate for the job. But as Hyungwon reached out for the folder he felt his palms getting sweaty, his hands trembling. 

 

“Chairman Lee Kyun Mi is attending the meeting as well.” his secretary said in a lower voice and Hyungwon froze immediately. This was his death sentence and he couldn’t do anything about it. Why was this happening?

 

Lee Kyun Mi could be described as a bitch. She was the embodiment of coldhearted, studied law and business administrations abroad, attended the best schools, could speak five different languages and was only married to her work. If anyone was accusing Hyungwon of being insensitive and cold they obviously hadn’t met her yet. Nobody was coming at her as her father was a high ranking politician and could make things go away as soon as they came. Nevertheless, she was a ravishing woman, tall, perfectly proportioned, and only dressed in the latest designer fashion. All in all, she met the requirements of the ideal Korean woman, who could make your life a living hell.

 

The moment he would walk into this room, would make one wrong move he would lose everything and it was useless to scan through the documents in a hurry without understanding all the details. 

 

Hyungwon wanted to run. Every impulse inside his body told him to run when he was standing in front of the door to the conference room. He felt the sweat on his nape and his tie felt too tight all of a sudden like it was strangling him. No matter how hard he tried to breathe and to focus, panic was all he felt. Where was his almighty confidence when it was really needed? It had never left him behind like this. Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. Maybe the investor wasn’t asking about anything Hyungwon didn’t know. Maybe, maybe, maybe… 

 

 _Maybe this is it_ , he thought and pressed the doorknob down to enter the room.

 

"I'm sorry for the change on such short notice. I'm-"

 

"Chae Hyung Won. Your reputation precedes you. They say you're a hell of a negotiator, not to mention your rude interruption at the press conference with this pharmaceutical company. Impressive."

 

The investor was chatty and Hyungwon knew out of the experience that this was dangerous coming from a man like him. He had done his homework, placing the stakes high. Hyungwon politely smiled and took a seat next to Kyun Mi, whose perfect appearance left no room for mistakes.

 

"He was also interviewing the chief financial officer two months ago." she said in her most charming voice.

 

"Oh yes, he told me during our latest golf session. His words about you were positive through and through." 

 

Hyungwon was going to disappoint. He wasn't prepared and he felt his heart rate increasing while his head went fully blank. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't win this, couldn't fulfill their expectations and suddenly he saw his father sitting in front of him, shaking his head, looking away in embarrassment. 

 

He tried his best to push the thoughts away, to concentrate on the things he knew about the case. But he was too aware of his voice cracking from time to time, and how he tried to bypass the facts he didn't know. Kyun Mi wasn't helping him much, it was his case, well Shownu’s case, and her presence was more for the sake of representing the company's interests. Hyungwon felt her anger rising with every passing minute, not to mention the investor's impatience. This was a waste of their time and he knew it. 

 

"I’ve heard enough." The investor said and closed the single button on his jacket - a sign that the meeting was over for him. The worst possible outcome. 

 

"If you'll excuse us for just a minute." Kyun Mi said overly friendly, offering the investor another cup of coffee to stall him and lucky enough he accepted. 

 

They exited the room and no sooner than the door was closed behind them she grabbed his arm hard. She didn't look like it but she had a lot of strength thanks to the various kinds of sports she did, among others, archery and karate. 

 

"What do you think you're doing? Because I can tell you, you're jeopardizing not only your own but this companies reputation. Do you have any idea how important this deal is? His political influence is as huge as his pockets. And they talk if you haven't noticed by now. If there is a failure in the system they want it to get eliminated so if you can't go in there and fix this then you're done here." 

 

Hyungwon felt his head spinning, heard the ringing in his ears increasing. He lost his posture and was staring into the distance above her head. The noises of the office were so loud. Every typing on the keyboard, the usage of the printer, the chatter and laughter in the distance and Kyun Mi's angry voice mixed into a single disturbing but muted noise. 

 

"I can't." it came out as a single breath. 

 

"What was that?"

 

"I can't fix it." 

 

"Then there's nothing more to do for you here. Pack your stuff and go." she let go of him and he searched for her eyes, but her look was hard as iron, making further discussions invalid. 

 

"You can't fire me like this. I've done so much for this firm."

 

"You'll receive your letter of recommendation soon by mail. Have a pleasant day." she turned around and went back inside the conference room, probably using all her womanly charms to keep the investor on board, telling him how sorry she was for Hyungwon's behavior but that she took care of him. He was a failure in the system and she had taken care of it - cold and with no room for discussions as if Hyungwon hadn't worked his ass off for this job, this position, this company.

 

But now it was gone.

 

Hyungwon felt numb, his whole body so stiff that he thought he couldn't set it in motion anymore. Somehow he managed it, walked off to his office and grabbed a box to fill it with his belongings only to realize that he hadn't many personal things to pack anyway. For a moment he just stood there, staring into the empty box, as empty as he felt right now. He slowly sunk down on his chair and looked through the desk drawers for personal belongings only to find the box of joss sticks inside the last one. The box Minhyuk had given him as a present on their very first encounter. Hyungwon had totally forgotten about it and reached out for it, holding it in his hand for a while, just looking. 

 

It was a reminder for the beginning when his life had started to change and he saw the last few months passing by before his eyes like a film that was fast-forwarded, and it ended here inside his office getting fired. This was all Minhyuk’s fault. If he hadn’t met him, hadn’t let him in, and experienced a life that was rich and fulfilled, he would have spent all his time at work and this situation would have never happened. Right at this moment, every positive change he had made thanks to Minhyuk felt wrong, like a mistake and he should have known that it had been the wrong decision. The anger grew with every passing second he was staring at the package of joss sticks and he clenched his fingers around the grey box before throwing it indignantly into the trash.

 

Everything was wrong. Every decision he had made with him was wrong and he loosened his tie in panic as it felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore. With trembling fingers, he opened the first button of his shirt too, but it wasn’t getting any better. Shownu would be so disappointed once he arrived at the company. How should he explain this to his parents? To Hoseok? To Minhyuk? Could he look himself in the eyes and tell himself that it was going to be okay, that he wasn’t a failure? Of course, he had wanted change, had struggled with going to work nearly every single day since his thought patterns had changed after the trip, but not like this. He hadn’t worked out a plan B yet, nothing was planned yet. 

 

Hyungwon looked up when the door was opened without knocking. 

 

Hoseok. 

 

His best friend looked pale and was probably confronted that the rumors he had just heard from Kihyun were true, as his boyfriend just knew everything that was going on inside this office, even the whole company. 

 

“So it is true.” 

 

Hyungwon just looked at him, defeated. And even though he knew deep down that he could rely on Hoseok no matter what, he couldn’t face him like this. His eyes wandered to the empty box standing on his desk before he got up, grabbing his coat and bag. Atypical for him, Hyungwon hugged his best friend when he was standing right in front of him. It was a brief moment. A moment of silence. A moment so painful that he felt tears coming in. A goodbye even if it was only for their time at work, but they had shared it together from the beginning, and now it was over. 

 

No word left Hyungwon’s lips and he didn’t look at Hoseok a second time before he left, and Hoseok knew him well enough to let him go, trusted Hyungwon that he would call if he needed him. Once Hyungwon sat behind the wheel of his car he aimlessly drove through the city. There was time to spare until he had to go to the restaurant to face his parents and he was begging that this would help to clear his head at least a bit. At first, he had wanted to go to the park, his safe place, but the thought alone of being exposed to the world had triggered a new wave of panic. Inside his car, he was protected, separated from the world. 

 

The people outside were dressed in thick winter coats, children were happily opening their arms for the newly fallen snow, their parents having a soft expression on their faces. The traffic got stuck at some point due to the snow but he didn’t care about anything anymore. Everything felt meaningless after all. 

 

The moment he arrived at the restaurant, he just waited. Of course, the restaurant was on the far more expensive side, so he would be confronted by upper-class people - at least that was what they thought they were thanks to their stuffed bank accounts. Guests were coming and going, cars parked and drove away. Everything was in flowing motion but for Hyungwon it felt like he was falling deeper and deeper into the abyss. His mind was rushing and standing still at the same time and he couldn't think about any appropriate behavior he was going to show in front of his parents. The thought about his family praising his younger brother was unbearable and reality could only feel worse. And then there was Minhyuk, the man he wanted to blame for all his mistakes but at the same time, he felt sorry for him. Sorry for asking him to meet his parents only for his own safety because he wanted to feel in control over them, showing them that he didn't need them. 

 

Hyungwon remembered the uncertainty in Minhyuk's eyes and it felt like another needle that was pushed deep into his skin. He could only blame himself. It was all his fault but he couldn't think, was unable to make a decision, not knowing what was right or wrong anymore. 

 

Even the most unpleasant routines provided safety and Hyungwon had lost it. 

 

With his eyes still fixed on the entrance of the restaurant, he discovered his parents including his brother and his wife right away. But instead of stepping out of his car, Hyungwon waited. The warm blast from the air conditioning warmed him, the music in the car was off. His phone showed a message from his mother, informing him they had arrived and there was a message from Minhyuk saying he was running late. 

 

Hyungwon leaned his cheek on the cold window and looked at his reflection in the side mirror. He looked like he hadn't slept in days and felt like he was rolled over by a truck. His shirt was still opened and his hair looked like a mess, the result of him brushing it back with his hand too often the past few hours. 

 

How much he wished to disappear, his body transforming into pure starlight as it had during the trip. But of course, nothing happened. 

 

Time seemed lost and Hyungwon only set foot out of his car once his mother sent another text, asking when he was coming. He didn't bother to fix his shirt or even putting his tie back on and he couldn't have cared less about his father's displeased looks once he had greeted and hugged his brother and mother and sat down at their table. Subtle confusion was written all over their faces.

 

"We already ordered our drinks. Isn't your girlfriend with you?" Why couldn't his mother just shut up? Why couldn't she be more open-minded? 

 

"Stuck in traffic." he said. Where they all staring at him? At least that was how it felt, like his family, the waiter and all the guests were staring at him, judging him. It felt like nothing had changed like he was still the young boy that wanted his parent's attention but couldn't have it. All he became was looks and at some point his father would call him out, saying that he was presenting himself inappropriately. Neither of them really wanted to know what was going on inside of him and it hurt as much as a knife that cuts old wounds open. 

 

They ordered their food, though Hyungwon had no idea what exactly he ordered and he couldn’t have cared less. His mother shared stories of his brother’s wife and that she was hoping to share such pleasant quality time with Hyungwon’s girlfriend as well. His family laughed and they looked happy in their world, a world Hyungwon didn’t belong to. Nevertheless, he wasn’t really listening, his fingers circling over the edge of the wine glass in front of him, slightly hoping Minhyuk wasn’t coming. Where did he belong anyway? 

 

“Son, please pay attention when your mother is speaking.” his father had leaned over to him and Hyungwon stopped the movement of his fingers and looked him right in the eyes. And at that moment, something died inside of him. 

 

“I’ve lost my job.” The chatter at the table fell silent. His father looked pale and slowly leaned back, taking a sip from his wine. 

 

“Let’s not talk about this now. This is a story for another time.” 

 

“Right, it is always another time for me. It’s always inconvenient when I am not acting the way you want me to and can’t tell your friends how proud you are. Oh, but wait you have a son that is providing you with all the things you want, right?” 

 

“Hyungwon, keep your voice down. This is-” 

 

“Embarrassing? Inappropriate? I don’t care. I’ve tried to be like you but you just can’t see me and love me, neither of you can. You only see me when I’m doing wrong so you can tell me so. I was pulling all-nighters nearly every single day, was so focused on being perfect that I couldn’t see what was happening around me. And there's no glory for all the things I did for the company. But I met him. Yes, him. I’m seeing a man and you know what? He was there for me no matter how hard I tried to push him away and he showed me something I missed for so long but I can’t handle it. The sex is great by the way.” 

 

 _Dear Lord_ , he heard his mother say, gasping, holding a napkin in front of her mouth. 

 

“Keep your voice down!” his father hissed angrily but Hyungwon wasn’t finished yet. 

 

“One more thing. I’m so sick of all of you and don’t care about any consequences anymore. I can’t think. I can’t do this” 

 

Hyungwon got up from his chair, drank his glass of wine in one go and placed it boisterous back on the table before he turned around and left them. It had gotten very quiet on the table and Hyungwon could feel the tension in his body from finally speaking up. But the moment he saw Minhyuk coming in through the door, he felt frozen. He looked so beautiful, his smile warm and friendly like the sun. His clothing looked expensive and he was wearing flawless layers of makeup on his face. Minhyuk had come for him, ready to give Hyungwon’s family the very best impression but there was nothing left for him here. 

 

He had wanted to be angry, to blame him but he couldn’t, not when he was standing here in person, caring. The insides of his head were spinning like a merry-go-round and the instruments of the classical music playing in the restaurant sounded too loud all of a sudden. He couldn’t go back and he couldn’t go forward so he did the only thing he knew, once Minhyuk was standing in front of him, looking concerned, reaching out for him. 

 

“I’m so sorry.” Hyungwon said, holding Minhyuk’s hand for a brief moment. Looking into his big questioning eyes was unbearable, especially when he saw the realization in them. He let go of his hand and nearly fled the scene, leaving Minhyuk behind without a word, without any explanation. His heart was feeling like it was shattered into millions of pieces and he was sure that he had done the same to Minhyuk’s heart and to their future.

 

Yes, destroying things was what he could do best and everything Hyungwon left behind were trails of destruction.

 

 

 

Hyungwon’s mother had gotten up from her chair, watching the scene between her son and Minhyuk. There was a shocked but also surprised expression on her face once she made eye contact with the young man standing helpless in a filled restaurant with guests looking curiously at him. 

 

“You?” 

 

No, Hyungwon couldn’t have known that his mother was more than familiar with Minhyuk’s face. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cliffhanger :D
> 
> hey guys! I'm sorry that it took so long but I hope it was worth waiting for. Let me know what you think about this chapter in the comments ❤️
> 
> I'm so thankful for all your kudos and comments and your support so far, it's really encouraging uwu  
> Also, feel free to yell at me here:
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)
> 
>  [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When I saw you  
> I fell in love,  
> And you smiled  
> Because you knew
> 
> \- William Shakespeare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk's POV

It has always been him. Sounds like the typical beginning of a love story, right? I know it's a cliche but it's the truth, though the truth isn't always that simple. It resembles more a huge spider's web, every thin thread connected to another one, sculpting a confusing formation of questions and answers. A formation of many meaningful encounters that were left unspoken, unnoticed yet building the foundation for him and me.

 

We weren't lovers, nor friends. No, this isn't even an enemy to lovers' story. I'm not even sure he knew that I existed - that I _saw_ him.

 

I wonder where to start but let's go back to the very beginning when he didn't even know me. We were both born into the same world, a world of money. A world where things are so much easier and full of possibilities, others could only dream of. A world that always looks so bright and desirable from the outside but could get lonely so fast on the inside. You might wonder how loneliness can affect someone who can buy everything in the blink of an eye thanks to the black credit card in their wallet but it does. Life isn't playing a fair game with any of us, so it wasn't fair to him or me either. 

 

Private schools, private tutors and opportunities to see whatever you want and go wherever you want - that's the world I was born into. Though, I should learn very early that this life isn't buying you honesty and friends you can rely on when you really needed them. Friends, who would be there for you when you started falling, asking questions, looking for more purpose in life than materialism. Money can’t buy love, pure love. I was lucky enough that my parents were understanding when I later told them I needed more. 

 

I honored their wishes to build fundamental security for myself in the form of proper education and I was doing so with passion, knowing it was for my own good. It is to say, that he inspired me to do things differently and he didn't even know. Funny isn't it? He didn't know about me and yet I wanted to work hard to create a life for him, for us, where we can laugh and be free. 

 

But let me tell you about him. You couldn't oversee him because once he stepped into a room all eyes were on him. He was so tall, his skinny body showing off even our school uniform like it was the latest runway fashion, his silky black hair framing his doll face so well. I doubt there was anyone not falling for his looks at some point and he enjoyed the attention, at least until things got too personal. It seemed everyone was falling out of love for him once they noticed that he wasn't what they expected him to be - the cool, fun guy. They would say he was boring, wasn't talking much and was too engaged in his studies. Of course, he was praised by the teachers for his phenomenal skills solving every mathematical problem, understanding complex algorithms with ease but it only increased the loneliness in his eyes. 

 

He seemed helpless, like he was used to the fact that people would be disappointed in the person he socially was but proud of the skills he had. 

 

You wonder why I didn't speak to him, right? Apparently I spent a lot of time watching what was happening to him and didn't change it. I was different back then. I could be loud around my friends but I was shy and quiet in public and he was like the moon, mesmerizing but so far away. This impression only strengthened when I saw his face on a big advertisement poster for his mother's company. He looked like he was born to be a model, born to look perfect and to get graced by the most expensive jewelry and clothing. I've never seen him wearing any kind of jewelry in class, only on that advertisement, where he wore fine rose gold earrings and precious rings with ornaments in silver and gold, not to mention the priceless necklace around his slender neck. 

 

Yes, his mother was a gifted designer and her son only provided her with the best publicity she could even ask for. It was the reason my mother visited her boutique because she was so impressed by his gorgeous face and eyes so big the whole universe could fit into. Of course, this circumstance made him even more attractive to girls, who saw their chances of becoming highly-paid models themselves thanks to his vitamin B. It was just impressive how easily people were drawn to him without him doing anything but being alive and breathing. 

 

But no matter how great his popularity he never looked happy and I couldn't figure out why. 

 

Why was someone so handsome and talented looking so lonely and lost all the time and was I the only person really noticing it? The longer I thought about it, becoming aware of his situation, made me automatically question my own. The friendships I had were based on status, on things we could buy and the places we traveled. Not to forget the things our parents did to bring in the money, to provide us with pleasant standards so we never had to bother about our fees or how other people outside our social community took care of their lives. It was just our world, but it was isolated. 

 

I started to recognize the amount of pressure it took to function inside this isolated vacuum. It's a good thing to question your surroundings, to look for purpose and something more for yourself but it also took me a while to break free from all those expectations. People have all kinds of expectations in themselves and in others, but unlike the beliefs of most, having lots of money doesn't loosen the chains around your neck, it made them tighter, taking lots of effort to present yourself flawless and perfect every single day. I mean it, no matter how bad you feel, everything that matters is your countenance and your image so in the end you function and stop living, too tired to hammer against those thick walls around you.

 

I'm not saying it's just a matter of rich people getting pressured, finding themselves in a life where they didn't even question that every day is an automatic routine and you just react instead of control your actions. It's all a matter of perspective and if you're willing to step away from all those expectations and do things your own way. 

 

Anyway, I wasn't stalking him if you think that. It was more as if destiny drew us together without us ever really facing each other, talking, saying hello to at least become friends. We had a few classes together and I saw him sitting in the library by chance - a lot of chances, actually, but rarely on purpose, because he seemed unreachable. I remember standing there on many occasions, totally forgetting the books in my arms, lurking out behind the massive old bookshelves that smelled exactly like that - old and a bit muddy. It wasn't this comfortable old smell when you visit your grandparent's house but told its own story, witnessing all kinds of students visiting this place over the years, some for academic purpose, some for making out behind the shelves. 

 

I don't want to miss the point here, so let me tell you what happened in the library. Well, it might sound like nothing but watching him reading, inhaling all kinds of books with this concentrated look on his face that could last for hours was fascinating. He lived in his own world, a world of rhetoric, numbers, poetry, and art that dragged him far away from social interactions with others. Nobody would ever sit with him - except for some girls who tried to get his attention. The success rate could be described as very low.

 

Although floating in his own world, the tension never left his body. There was this wrinkle between his eyebrows when he was far away in his studies and his posture looked tense like an invisible being forced him to be perfect no matter what. It must have been exhausting keeping his guard up all the time, though it gave the impression of a mechanism he couldn't control. I cannot count the occasions I made a fool out of myself standing there, catching glances at him, running into other people so my books fell out of my hands and I had to crawl on my knees to collect them again. You can already imagine, I wasn't just shy but nearly invisible. My grades were exceptional, but I couldn't really speak up for myself, unlike him who was always the center of attention and could discuss with our teachers over subjects that were out of everyone’s league. 

 

At first, the thought of being invisible and small terrified me because if I didn't overcome this, how was my life supposed to look like when I was getting older, applied for a job and was part of a team. Being invisible would mean that they would leave me behind but my mother always told me there was plenty of time to develop myself, that I would grow up to be exactly right for me, for my life. She never used terms like _being_ _right for the job_ or _being right for others_ and growing up with the thought of caring about my own happiness encouraged me to accept my invisibility for the moment. If others couldn't see me because I was too quiet it meant _he_ couldn't see me either, right? 

 

Maybe it was just foolish wishful thinking but I was always wondering how he looked like when he smiled. His smile was such a rare phenomenon - and I don't mean polite smiles like the ones you give someone you greet but the one that was filled with warmth and actual happiness. The smile that made lighten up your eyes and filled your body with endorphins, not a laugh but nearly a chuckle. A smile that was honest. A smile that was him. 

 

That one day in late spring, when the blossoms had already fully bloomed and the greens painted the yard around our school building, I tested the waters, sitting a few tables away from him. I felt brave enough to place an iced americano cup in front of him, the largest I could find because he would need it and I knew that he liked it. If you guessed that I panicked, ran away and hid behind one of the bookshelves before he could even lift his head to see me, then you guessed right. When he lifted his head in confusion, looking at the iced americano and around the library I held my breath and felt like I was about to pass out. A cup of coffee wasn't something offending, of course, but I hoped he would understand it, take it.

 

The result was out of this world - _he smiled_. His face looked so soft when he relaxed his muscles and the corners of his mouth turned upwards. Not into a full smile from one ear to another but a subtle one, though so honest and so real that I felt my heart beating hard against my ribcage like it would break every second and my heart would jump out to celebrate this small victory. Nobody but I witnessed this memorable moment but I treasured it with my whole heart. The sun fell softly on his face, making his deep brown eyes sparkle like amber and his long lashes more visible, like curtains treasuring the secrets hidden inside his soul.  

 

I wanted to know what was slumbering behind, wanted to hear his deep velvety voice speak to me. I wanted him to see me, even if he was the only person in this world seeing me, let him know that I fell for him even though it wasn't logic because _I_ couldn’t even understand my own feelings for him at the time. I would learn that I was gay later but by the time looking at him, there was nothing sexual about it, only adoration, like looking at the perfect piece of art that gets you unexplainable emotional. Nevertheless, it sure wasn't natural for a guy to look at another guy like this without hoping for anything. I wasn't hoping for his friendship or a relationship or anything like it, I mean.

 

The wish to see him smile was just there without any explanation and it was all I wanted.

 

The following summer was different from the others as he began to change, to bloom in a way I thought wasn't possible. Well, others would just say he just reached his rebellious phase. He started to skip class and his grades decreased from exceptional to good, which the teachers noticed with great concern. The tie of his school uniform was either loose or simply missing, likewise his hair that wasn't perfectly arranged anymore as it used to be. It suited him showing his true nature that was lingering behind his eyes instead of this wall of perfection he was showing to the world. Useless to say that his bad-boy image also attracted a lot of girls. Although, for the first time it wasn't just girls hitting on him but also some of the boys you would have never guessed were queer or had bisexual tendencies. As for me, seeing him experimenting with his own identity was like a small victory even when it wasn't my fight against the world.

 

I had my own demons to fight. When I first discovered him kissing another boy it kicked me into my own identity crisis. The feelings that had washed over me the moment I saw them can only be described as jealousy with a strange kind of sadness and confusion. He smiled at that boy, though it wasn't the same smile I saw on him in the library, he still looked happy - happier than with any of the girls I had seen him with. 

 

That's what my intention had been, right? Seeing him happy. 

 

It was impossible for me to not think about him at that point. I wasn't gay or bisexual - not that I thought being a homosexual was a bad thing considering that my mother was always very open-minded, I learned that it was just another option of the variety of love interests you could have. Still, I couldn't imagine myself being interested in men as it has never even come to my mind to kiss or have sex with another man. Still, I couldn't stop thinking about him kissing this boy. My head played the movements of their lips moving in tandem on repeat as well as his hands running down the other boy’s body and I foolishly wished it was me.

 

God, how I wished it was me. There were times I found myself waking up at night, from dreams about him and I couldn't prevent them from coming to mind. It was a desire I couldn't but had to fight but no matter how hard I tried the images of him just sneaked back into my mind. They weren't limited to my dreams anymore at some point they just came when I saw him writing down a complex problem on the board in class. Watching his delicate long fingers around the crayon made me wonder how they would feel on my body, on my naked skin, cupping my cheeks, brushing over them with his thumbs, caressing my nape while kissing me. It was just too confusing and wishful thinking and I couldn’t allow myself to have those kinds of thoughts because I had a girlfriend at the time.

 

She was such a lovely and pretty girl, always considerate and patient. A girl who clearly didn’t deserve to get treated the way I treated her because my mind was always with him. We had been dating for almost four months at the time and I really tried to give her all the attention she deserved and needed but I was unable to break down my inner walls to really give in. There was always this other side of me holding me, pulling me back, making me look at him instead of her even though there was nothing between us. He didn’t know I was there, didn’t know I had seen him kissing another boy and was fantasizing about it ever since. He didn’t know my heart was beating when he smiled. I was a shadow and would never be anything more than that so I made the most idiotic decision out of my confused state of mind I could possibly make. 

 

I tried to prove to myself that I was just confused, that this little crush would go away soon by making the next step in the relationship with my girlfriend. Just let me tell you in advance that compensating your feelings for someone else with sex is a very stupid idea and definitely not working. I spare you the details at this point and looking back I still feel sorry for what I did because my mind was wandering off, wasn’t with her, when she really needed my attention and my care. She was so nervous, stripped bare and offering her trust and herself to me and I should have just said no because obviously it wasn’t fair.  

 

When we kissed I thought about his lips on mine when we made love I thought about his hands on my body and how I would open up for him and he for me. I imagined how his lips would taste, the scent of his aftershave tingling my nose thrills. Although, I still couldn't imagine making love with him. Kissing and touching was something plausible, reachable but thinking about the whole process of having sex with him, with another man, in general, was something I wasn't ready for but my indescribable feelings for him were more sensual than sexual. 

 

Experiencing your first time with someone has always this magical glow around it. You want it to be perfect and you want it to feel good, to have this connection with your loved one. The thing is, it can't be perfect when you have no experience at all and only know the basics from things you've heard, read or saw in porn. I disappointed her and myself by being unable to connect with her. I could see it in her eyes that she had been hoping for something else and she tried to talk to me. We talked and talked and tried and tried again but I just couldn't let go, couldn't enjoy the act. 

 

The connection we were looking for in our relationship was simply not there and the distance only grew so in the end, we broke up. I can't describe how angry I was at the time, how often I laid in my bed screaming into my pillow because I hated myself for being unable to kick him out of my mind. We were nothing but he was always there. It couldn't be love when we were walking on two parallel paths that never crossed or only crossed like a leaf riding in the wind - volatile and soon forgotten. 

 

After the breakup, I started to hate him. I blamed him for clouding and confusing my mind like this without even doing anything. He couldn't have known but it only made me angrier that he was living his life without knowing what he's done to me so I ignored him. Of course, the only person who got hurt in this process was me and it felt like drinking poison hoping he would die but all I was seeking was to see him smile, to see _him_ instead of the marionette everyone wanted him to be. 

 

The long summer break came and at the beginning of our last year, everything had become a mixture of changes and familiar routines. As for me, I mostly accepted the fact that I was attracted to boys also thanks to long and lasting talks with my mother. Moreover, I wasn't angry at him anymore, had seen him from time to time in his mother's boutique over the summer when I accompanied my mother, though he hadn't looked happy. His rebellious phase seemed to be over, taken all the light in his eyes within, simply gone and it stayed gone over our last year of school together. 

 

All the hate and the wish to blame him for my confused feelings had slipped away, but so had his will to fight for himself. His school uniform fitted him like a second skin again, the knot of his tie so accurately tied that it looked like a piece of art. Our teachers couldn't stop praising him for his skills but it obviously came with no kind of joy for him as his face remained a mask. Something or someone, probably his conservative family, had broken him and it hurt so much not seeing his smile, not even when I placed his favorite snacks onto his table when nobody was watching. 

 

All the magic in his eyes had vanished and I felt foolish for being unable to do anything except being a ghost that wasn't helping much. I wasn't strong enough for him, for me and I knew it wouldn’t have done us any good if I had tried to approach him now. He was still so beautiful but so empty at the same time, caged in the prison of society's expectations and high standards on him. I wondered if he even had the will left inside to fight against it or if they cut the wings of this unique bird back inevitable so everything he was left to do was spending his days looking up to the sky, praying for freedom and the ability to fly. He was often sitting in the park near our school, looking into the distance as if he was pleading for answers, change.

 

Our last year was gliding through our fingers like fine sand on the beach, again without us ever speaking a word to each other, without him knowing that I was there. He was strong and wouldn't break that easily at least I hoped that it was true when I decided to take a gap year to travel. I promised my parents to fully focus on my university studies afterward. 

 

It's simply overwhelming how small we are compared to the size of the world, the size of the cosmos but how we’re always trying to impress each other, telling us we're more important than others. The things I've learned during my travels completely changed my life simply because I was willing enough to explore the world but most importantly my own soul. There wasn't time to be shy and reserved when I was fully on my own for the first time, drunk for the first time, or had sex with another man for the first time. I admit that it wasn’t that easy at first to let go of the convenience of spending money without even thinking about it but I learned to value it, work for it, especially when I met two of my closest friends, a queer couple, with which I experimented with various types of drugs. 

 

I'm not encouraging you to use them, this is simply my experience I'm talking about. Never did I ever see myself consuming drugs before even though I knew some of the boys back in school did and it was simply for me to just try in a setting I felt comfortable. There were bad trips when I felt haunted and thought I was going crazy, got anxiety attacks for no reason and wanted to crawl home in my mother’s arms. Yet, there were also the ones that calmed me down and of course, the ones that open up my mind in a way I thought wasn't possible. 

 

The first time we took magic mushrooms was in a small village near Tibet. It was the most spiritual experience I've ever made until this point and I thought I finally understood who I was and what kind of man I needed to be. I never forgot about him, though our lives never crossed paths for a long time after that and yet the wish to see him happy and be a part of his life remained. 

 

As promised, when I came back home after a year I fully focused on my studies and thanks to all the experiences I've made abroad I could do so with conviction. My parents were surprised by how much I had changed, not just my appearance but also the way I acted. By then, I had exchanged my designer clothes to comfortable, and colorful second-hand clothing and lived a more urban and grounded lifestyle. I also preferred to work part-time to pay for most of the expenses myself instead of taking my parent's money for granted. The shy high school boy was in the past but my longing for him wasn't, though it would take another six years until we would meet again in person.

  
  
Thanks to my mother I always knew what he was doing since she was still a loyal customer at his mother's boutique. In my imagination he smiled, it was still that day at the library when he took the coffee I bought for him, though the reality was a whole different story.

  
  


The day I learned that he got married I thought everything was falling apart around me like someone had ripped a small piece of my heart out of my chest. Although the wound didn't look much it bled and itched and yet I hoped this woman was making him happy. 

 

I wasn't delusional and knew a handsome man like him would find someone that loved him sooner or later. He worked for a big finance company now, lived his life in the first lane, checking all the bullet points society and his parents had written down for him. It was only that one summer he had found the strength to break free but apparently never again after that. He was stuck, still, I hoped he had found something precious that lightened up his shadowy world of rules and money because then it was worth moving on with the tiny itching wound in my heart. Wasn’t it crazy though, that he was still on my mind making me feel things I couldn’t describe even with my major in literature? 

 

It wasn't because of him, well maybe a little bit, when I decided to move to Seoul. I mainly did it for my own career and because I wanted to challenge myself and others with the way I presented myself to the world. Leaving my hometown, my parents and diving into the real world weren’t as scary as I had expected it to be. Maybe because of the experiences I had made abroad or maybe because my parents supported me no matter what, always showing great interest in what I was doing. 

 

With me bending and breaking the rules of the social standards others wanted me to have my parents got called out by co-workers and friends asking why they let me live like this. Why didn’t they try to change me? Why didn’t they try to get me back on track instead of studying literature, wearing colorful no-name clothing that made me look like a hippie? I felt embarrassed at first, for them having to bear this burden because of me but my parents didn’t. Both of them weren’t born rich, had worked for everything we had and I remember my father once told me, that creating your own path always looked fruitless for others until you made it.

  
  
_They look down on you because you are different._

_But you’ll learn that you look down on them because they’re all the same._

 

And he was right. There are always two sides of the medal and my father could’ve laid low for not having a college degree, feeling worthless compared to others who had, but he didn’t. He was a smart man and educated himself on his own with the things he needed to know to create the life he wanted to have. He didn’t feel less when he met my mother, who was a bit rebellious and a lot more open-minded than her parents. My father didn’t back off and she supported him in doing things differently even if it meant not seeing the path clearly all the time. 

 

It was probably the reason they let me live the way I wanted to. 

 

It surprisingly didn't take long for me to find an apartment. Maybe it was a bit unconventional that my new roommate had preferred to show me his bed first instead of showing me around - but I didn't mind since he was a really good looking guy. We kept this arrangement of roommates with benefits and I started to work for a nonprofit organization that supported abused mothers and children, soon after. The good thing was that it simply didn't matter that I looked like a hippie and especially the children loved the colorful headbands I was wearing. All the joy I could see in their eyes was like a present and I felt richer than ever before in my life. 

 

How high was the chance to meet _him_ in Seoul? Statistically very low and yet the universe brought us back together to the starting point. I saw him walking through the park sometimes or stumbled across his face in the newspapers - next to his wife. If he hadn't been unreachable so far then he definitely was now but I could tell that he wasn't happy and it hurt to see his empty eyes looking back at me at the pictures. 

 

I had wanted to believe that he had found joy and happiness with this woman and with his job, but apparently he wasn't. Then I heard the news from my mother, who heard it from his mother: He was getting divorced. I felt sorry for him but there was also this small aching piece in my heart that felt relieved. Maybe there was this piece inside of me that was still hoping for us to be together someday. I was strong enough now to be there for him but I wasn't prepared for how broken he really was, how deep the gaping wounds on his soul had gathered over the years.

 

Then that one day came. One month after his divorce. The day we finally met in person and the very first time we would talk to each other. I was selling candles at the market placed on the opposite side of the park where he would take a walk every single day. He wasn't interested in those kinds of things for sure but that day he stopped by. His presence was overwhelming right upfront. He was dressed in expensive designer clothes from head to toe, his hair perfectly arranged, the knot of his tie still looked like a piece of art. But so was he. His matured male features, combined with his full, plump lips, his soft round nose and of course his mesmerizing eyes as if someone had used some kind of spell to bring a sculpture to life.

 

My heart was running a marathon inside my chest and for a moment I thought I would pass out. I had been waiting for this moment for so long, never knowing if it would come and now it was there. For a minute I felt like I was that shy boy back in high school, who was unable to talk to his crush but then I remembered that everything was different, that I was different and this was the moment our paths finally crossed. This was my chance to talk to him. 

 

 _Patchouli._  

 

The dark, musky-earthy scent of patchouli had led him to me and he looked like the embodiment of it. He was skinny like he used to be as far as I could see it under his coat and the suit. I acted unbothered, flirty and welcoming though I could see that he was judging my appearance, and it took him off guard. He didn't know who I was and it was again two sides of a medal, there was a bit of disappointment on one side but an opportunity on the other side. I took my chance and invited him to a party the same night not knowing if he would come. 

 

When he introduced himself to me I wanted to say that I already knew but told him my name instead. Would he come? I couldn't really tell and I wondered if I had been too loud, too much even though it didn't bother me with every other person. But this was him, the person I had been longing to speak to for years. And it probably had to mean something that even after all those years I wanted to see him smile and be with him even if we weren’t meant to be lovers, being part of his life would have been enough.

 

I was nervous that night, looking at the clock or the door, waiting for him to step through it. Yes, it was a hippie bar, off the city and probably nothing what he was used to and I imagined him struggling coming here, getting out of his car, asking himself why he was doing this just for a guy with a colorful bandana. He would struggle to find an answer to this question quite some time. It was one thing imagining that he was attracted to me and another one knowing, though my intuition didn't fail me on this one when I turned around to see him standing right next to me. 

 

The curiosity was still inside of him, flickering like a tiny light in the deep darkness of his eyes and I wanted nothing more than to pour gasoline on it to light a fire. I remembered how fearless he was when he broke out of his shell, how passionate and all this pretending and his divorce had left a crack behind and everything I had to do was to break it open, reach out for his hand and pull him out. I knew I could do it no matter how much resistance he showed because I cared for him. For the real him. The person he had on lockdown. 

 

He acted so stiffly like he had to prove something to the world, as he needed them to see only this one version of him. I decided that talking was for another day when I pulled him on the dancefloor and gave him the opportunity to act more on his instincts than his brilliant mind. Don't get me wrong, I had always admired his skills, the spark in his eyes when he was working on a mathematical problem, though it would have been a lie to say that I wasn’t tempted by his looks as well. 

 

And those hands. The hands I had wanted to feel on my body for so long were right there on my hips pulling me closer. He wasn't the best dancer but considering how close our bodies were it wasn't even an issue. Everything happening after that felt like a dream as our lips met for a kiss. Our very first kiss. Although it tasted bitter of the beer we drank before, it was intoxicating, rich and deep that it filled my stomach with thousands of butterflies. Thinking about how his lips would feel and how soft they really felt was like comparing a movie to the original book - the most important parts had been missing. We kissed for what felt like an eternity and I was overwhelmed by my own feelings for him that had been sleeping inside of me for so long, so I invited him over to my place. 

 

He agreed but looked like he regretted it multiple times after he set foot into my apartment that wasn't exactly screaming luxury into his face. I could imagine that he had never gone home with a person below his standards - though he didn't know that basically we were the same. We just choose two different paths. He appeared so perfect but stiff, told me he had never even smoked a cigarette in his life and I couldn't help but tease him. I was pretty sure challenging and teasing him with seduction would prevent him from getting up and going home right on the spot and it did. Willingly he took a hit from the joint I had offered him and indeed he wasn't used to the burn in his lungs or the loss of control over his body. Still, it opened the door to a side of him he kept hidden from the world. An imperfect version of him, which wanted to get explored, was ready to try things and to give in to his lust and desire for a man he had only met at lunchtime. 

 

I made it count and smoking weed also helped me to overstep my nervousness because it was after all not any man I got intimate with but _him_. Every inch of his naked body that was revealed to me was like a present, kissing him like the best drug I've ever taken and couldn't stop using. I wanted to feel him so badly inside of me, become one with him after all those years of thinking about him. He was the one I was longing for since forever, the first man I fell in love with. Due to the weed every kiss, every touch and every thrust of him felt like a firework not only in my mind. No, my whole body felt like it was made out of bright colors exploding in the night sky. Our first time was messy, dirty but so good. I loved his taste, the smell of him and the smell of sex, the heaving of his chest and the feeling of him filling me out completely. 

 

I knew I needed more, that he wasn't just a fancy fantasy in my head anymore or a boy whose smile I was longing for, nor a man I just wanted to have sex with. 

 

He was still sleeping the next morning when I woke up and for a while I just laid there in awe, letting my eyes wander over his smooth skin, his long eyelashes, his swollen lips with this little mole on his lower lip, his jawline, and sharp collarbones, which were always covered underneath his suits, unseen by the world.

 

Maybe my methods weren't always the best but I wanted to prevent us from being just a one-time thing. One night wasn't enough but I was sure if he wasn't forced to meet me again he wouldn't do it. So while he was still sleeping I stole money out of his briefcase. I didn’t plan what was happening after in the kitchen as my roommate needed to blow off some steam - he was always very convincing when he wanted to fuck me. After all, I was single and enjoyed the attention I got from other men, though it would be the last time.

 

He was about to leave but couldn’t, instead, he stood there taking a peek through the kitchen door. Shocked. Shocked but his eyes full of desire. When we made eye contact he was gone, though I hoped he was coming back but maybe it had been too much. It didn’t take long for him to discover that I stole his money so our next encounter at the market was only a few hours later. Useless to say that he was enraged and considering that he was dressed in a fine suit again it only underlined his authority. As a businessman, his first impulse was to threaten me with his lawyer for stealing his money but I could see he wasn’t very convinced going that instance with me. I have to admit that his little outbreak was indeed arousing and probably the outcome of me being a threat, an ally for the side of him he wanted to hide from the world so badly.

 

I had already invested his money and told him he had to stick with me if he wanted to find out for what purpose it was used. It was risky as it probably wasn’t a sum he couldn’t spare but this wasn’t about money. This was about him being right, him being a clever businessman, about giving him an excuse for being with me even though it was against his beliefs. He took it and regretted it instantly when I invited myself for dinner and into his bed. 

 

Of course, my attitude only increased his resistance as it would mean going to a restaurant with me and it would mean people would see him with me - a hippie. Even then every second we were standing there together was a threat for his perfect image but I wasn’t going to back off that easily. He was annoyed but agreed to pick me up that night and the least I could do was to ease his pain a little by matching my appearance to his standards. 

 

It had been a while since I set foot into a designer store and it would’ve been an understatement to say that they weren't very welcoming to me as to other customers. All because my appearance wasn't what they connected with having lots of money. Since I was used to people thinking they were better than me, looking at me in disgust I remained my friendly and welcoming attitude toward them. They couldn't know where I came from, couldn't know that there was a bank account under my name where my parents deposited money for me in case I needed it, that I was basically one of them but yet so different. 

 

I could have just shown them my credit card but instead, I told them the same that I had been telling _him_ quite often: 

 

How eager they were to judge a book by its cover before I politely told them what kind of outfit I needed. Their embarrassment wasn't only audible in their spoken apologies but the way they acted, keeping their heads low, asking if I needed anything else more than necessary though I never stopped being friendly, offering my smile to them. They made it so hard for themselves, narrowed into their own beliefs of right and wrong that it felt almost impossible to convince them that it wasn't their fault. Nothing of those two ends of the bargain was their fault, the differences we were shown between right and wrong, rich and poor. We just took it without thinking twice about its meaning but if we were a bit more curious to look over the borders we might be surprised what's waiting there for us. And I wanted him to look over his own borders because he wasn't that limited as his mind wanted to make him believe.

 

Of course, he was confused seeing me all dressed up in expensive clothing and with a natural layer of makeup when he picked me up for dinner and his first impulse was to accuse me of using the stolen money for the new designer clothes. I could understand his anger and even though he wouldn't stop accusing me of being a scammer, using men for my own entertainment, I remained calm, let his words ricochet, didn't give him any soiled floor to spread his anger upon me.

  
  
_He doesn’t know better. He’s trying to hurt you because he doesn’t know what else to do._

  
  
It was painful to watch how eager he was to judge me and how long he must have wrapped his mind around the decision which restaurant would be far away from the eyes of his colleagues and friends so they wouldn't see me with him. 

 

He was lying to himself, wasn't believing in his own words, telling me that he was gone as soon as I'd shown him his investment. We didn't speak over dinner and he didn't dare to ask me anything personal and I let him play his childish games and played my own seductive ones on him. Bonding with him over sex was easy and I didn't mind if it helped him connecting to me on a level he didn't dream was possible. He was annoyed by all my teasing but such a passionate lover, taking care of his needs but considering my own as well, making a mess out of me, breaking me down into pieces and putting me back together. Sleeping with him without the influence of any substances wasn't less intense, quite the contrary, it gave us both the opportunity to focus on each other's lips, the touch of our hands and the burning feeling of him buried deep inside me. 

 

His face was full of regret after, his mind focused on avoiding the fact that he was here with me - again. I was the turbulence threatening to bring his safe flight of misery and rules down. He felt it too that there was a connection between us and it wasn't that easy to ignore. He didn't kick me out right away, allowed me to have a look over the crumbling walls his true self was hiding behind for so long. I took my time simply touching his hands, exploring it like a map with my own fingers. His hands were as big as mine, his long, slender and soft fingers looked like those of a pianist like they could just fly over the keys, filling the room with the most beautiful sounds. It was strange to really be with him, lying naked in bed, showing our vulnerable bodies, letting our true personality shine through the cracks without giving away too much. 

 

Ah, how long I had wondered how his hands would feel and even feeling and seeing them was like a miracle. For him, it was just a short time but for me, it felt like we had known each other since forever, like the red thread of destiny finally brought us together. And I was hoping, always hoping he felt it too, that his heart would open up for me, connecting with mine. I wanted to believe that after all those years we were meant to be, that I had grown enough to make him smile. Every single time the corners of his mouth bowed upwards my heart was skipping a beat. He deserved it to be happy, to smile and get rid of the chains.

 

He let me stay overnight and was back to his defensive self the morning after, though it gave me the opportunity to observe him a little more. The more he tried to keep control over me the more slippery the situation got as he couldn't prevent the following encounters of me meeting his maid and his best friend, who were both very warm and welcoming people. 

 

I can't describe how thankful I was and still am that the universe provided him with this kind of support in his dark, cold world of perfection. Life had made him hard yet so rebellious on the inside and I wanted to provide him with even more support if he was willing to crush the walls around him, if he was willing to fight for himself. Yes, I was aware that I couldn’t make him fight, force him into battle against the beliefs his parents and the people around him had given him for so long and I would have backed off if he had told me to fuck off when I revealed his investment to him. But let’s not jump so fast forward. 

 

I kissed him goodbye in front of his best friend, invited him to dinner later that day, ignoring his excuses. You can call it our first date - kind of at least. When he discovered that _dinner_ meant sandwiches and soda while sitting in the park at night, confusion was the only thing that was written all over his face. He couldn’t understand the purpose of sitting in the grass in front of the lake when there were plenty of benches around. When was the last time he had been sitting on the ground? Feeling the grass and soil underneath his fingertips and didn’t care about stains on his clothes? The memory - if it had been there in the first place - must have been long gone. I gave him one of my bandanas to sit on, a very expensive one for a priceless human being. Maybe it was idiotic, ridiculous even, that he was behaving like a spoiled, rich brat and I knew others would have laughed at him for being incapable of adapting to a lower standard. Another group would have pitied him or act offended, assuming he felt better than them, but everything I was seeing in his behavior was hesitation, helplessness. Inside he was fighting with his believes and couldn’t just act freely, thinking that there were no consequences.   
  


But it was as simple as that, a calm atmosphere where nobody was judging him for letting his guard down, hidden by the shadows of the night at a place he felt comfortable. 

 

His life was rushing so fast, every single day without having a meaning. I felt that sudden panic that came over him while we laid there in the grass, looking up to the dark blue sky covered with stars, threatening to fall down on us every second. There was always something shimmering through the cracks of his thick walls when he was with me, especially after we had sex but staying there with him, looking up to the sky lifted the curtains for me to see his bare and vulnerable self that was locked away. 

 

The air felt cold on our skin as it was late October, but being close to him filled me with warmth, fed a long-lasting yearning inside of me and I wanted to keep him warm too since he'd been out in the cold for too long. I held his hand, focused my eyes on him while he looked like he was falling apart under the night sky, clenching my hand as if to find something to hold on to. I was there and he needed to know that, needed to know that he wasn't alone anymore if he allowed me to walk with him. The kiss we shared was the most honest and precious one I'd ever shared with anyone before because he's always been, my special someone. 

 

We were fooling around, one step closer to each other as the crumbled remains of the walls were scattered around our feet, away from the crowd in our own world, tiptoeing around our feelings to make sure nothing broke. I gave small hints to ease the pain of judgment inside of him, that I was well educated and not interested in scamming him and he let it happen. After that one night, something had changed for him and eventually he was more willing to spend time with me.

  
  
Watching him open up to me, was like watching a rare and precious flower grow in a toxic environment and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life. He was still struggling, fighting his beliefs, fighting me with thoughtless comments, so I made it easier for him by presenting myself in designer clothing and he knew I did it for him. I was also aware that sometimes the realization of me doing all this for him hit him hard and swallowed him whole. Every kind of change, every step forward over the scattered pieces of his walls, considering taking my hand was hard for him but I remained patient. 

 

Our relationship had no name, no explanation, no questions about our past nor about the life we were living when we were not together. Yes, maybe we lived inside a bubble, a sweet dream I wanted to dream with him, that had nothing to do with the real world. But it did. We weren’t isolated, went out for dinner dates, walked by the river at night in downtown Seoul or spent the weekend inside his apartment. When he tried to shut me out I would come over with cheap take out to be with his sleepy self in sweatpants and t-shirt. God, he was just the most handsome man when he didn’t try to impress anyone, was just lazily lying on the sofa with his black-framed glasses, smiling at my bad jokes. I had never idolized him as I knew that under all this perfection, loneliness was his only companion but I took him with all his imperfections and in a way, he did the same with me when he wasn't carrying the heavy rock of social differences and toxic believes.

 

_Had he been like this with his former wife? Did anyone see how perfect he was when he wasn’t trying?_

 

He was free when he was with me and oh, his smile, his laugh was like a drug itself I couldn’t get enough of and it meant everything to me. The way he touched me, kissed me and had sex with me became different as well as it wasn't just lusting anymore. Having sex was easy, a way to satisfy your needs and get rid of tension. You could have it without investing your fragile feelings into it, without opening up to somebody else. A naked body could be just a naked body, an object for desire but once you shift your perspective it could be a temple you wanted to treasure, take care of, explore and establish a connection to your feelings, making sure every touch makes the other person and yourself feel good. That’s what we did. We took our time to explore each other’s bodies, remembering the sensitive spots, aiming for them the next time only with the purpose of making each other feel good. It was a careful process of getting to know each other without taking or giving too much, without getting hurt. Just being together, living in the present, enjoying every precious moment. 

 

Despite everything, he was stubborn, relying on the security his routines gave him and resisted very eagerly when he didn't see why he had to do something. 

 

For instance, that one weekend I woke him up early in the morning, softly kissing his cheek until a morose noise left the depth of his throat. The grey light of dawn barely lightening up the bedroom, the warmth under the blanket too comfortable to ever leave it - especially not to sit on the balcony with me to watch the sun rising over the city. Ignoring all his threats and complains, I managed to get him out of bed and into the icy morning air. It was freezing cold and I thought my nose would fall off, so we immediately covered ourselves with the blanket that was still slightly warm, cuddling together on the lounger like two penguins spending each other warmth and comfort. Our bodies were closely pressed together and I could hear his calm heartbeat on my ear resting on his chest, his slender arms wrapped around my frame. It didn't take long for him to relax, it never did when we laid together, keeping each other close like we were the only two people existing in our universe. As the first rays of light touched his face I felt the tension in his body vanishing, washed away by the warmth of the moment.

 

So many precious moments we shared, that it felt too good to be true. I had told myself not getting attached to him too much since there was still a small chance that after I had shown him his investment he would be gone forever. There were thoughts that maybe he didn't need this investment anymore, that things were good between us, but I had to, he needed to see and experience it to understand himself in his own interest. This wasn't about me loving him because obviously I did for so long already and every day we spent together inflamed the fire inside my heart just a little more. The words were already engraved in my heart but had never left my lips until that day I showed him his investment.

 

When I first contacted my friends - the queer couple I was in Tibet with - telling them about him, they couldn't stop being overly excited. Of course, they knew about him - the boy, the man I wanted to see happy more than anything else in this world. I remember talking like a young boy with a big crush, it was after our first night together. 

 

They were living outside the city, surrounded by nature, surrounded by peace in a traditional Korean home and worked as spiritual councilors and sex therapists. I'm sure nobody would openly say they were their clients but a lot of people old and young, rich and ordinary came to see them because truth was that most people were seeking freedom, feeling themselves, feeling alive, feeling satisfied with their lives. He was seeking it too and that's why I wanted him to make this experience at least once.

 

Well, joyful and thankful weren't the right words to describe his reaction not when we left the city, not when he met my friends for the first time and especially not when he discovered that his investment was magic mushrooms. I was confident that he would get along with my friends even though we had never discussed introducing each other to our social circles - the encounter with his best friend had been by chance, a lucky coincidence but never have I met him or his boyfriend after that. He rarely mentioned his best friend but I knew he must have been his rock, probably the only person he could talk to about personal issues. It was okay because every little step he took differently felt like ten steps at once for him so dealing with me alone was huge, dealing with my lifestyle like an attack but meeting my friends must have felt like powerlessness, fainting, losing his balance, crashing down before hastily running back into the false protection of old behaviors. 

 

I knew it was risky, that there was a scenario where he would go, leave me and our precious moments behind, rebuilding his walls thicker, higher so nobody would ever be able to reach out for him ever again. Old habits die hard and it was the case with him as judgemental words began to slip out of his mouth, like a record playing on repeat inside his head - muted for the past few weeks but on full blast while we all sat together discussing the added value of the mushrooms to his life. Every time this side of him was coming through my heart was beating so fast inside my chest and I felt the heat in my cheeks, telling me to back off, telling me it was too much, fueling the fear inside of me that he was going to leave. But I was good at acting against those fears, ignoring them because my faith in him, in us, was so much stronger and all I wanted was for him to believe and to trust me. 

 

I told him that everything I had done was for him because I wanted to see him happy because I was convinced that he deserved peace and love not only as a slogan on a shirt or as part of a song by the Rolling Stones but as a feeling. It had never been my intention to change him, only to show him that it was okay to be vulnerable, to relax and take a step back from all those expectations society was bending us with until we no longer recognize ourselves in the mirror. He was defenseless and raw the moment he took everything in and I knew that he was very conscious about the fact that his life without all our shared moments, wasn't any alternative he wanted to go back to by choice. Furthermore, making a choice for his own wellbeing, for himself was something so fragile, so unfamiliar, so terrifying that his brilliant mind couldn't come up with a rational decision right away - because his choice was depending on impulse, on feelings rather than facts.

  
  
 _This is too dangerous, one step too much. You won’t be able to step back. You aren’t like this, you know where you belong_ , was probably what he was thinking, his face readable like an open book.

  
  
He chose and took the mushrooms, chose change and the risk of exploring the unknown darkness of his mind, facing himself without avoidance. Diving into the deep, letting go and especially abandon any control, going with the flow, his own pace, being open for anything and be only guided by my friend’s voice. I’m aware that he could have had a bad trip as well since it was his first time taking magic mushrooms, though I trusted my friend as he had guided a lot of sessions with various people over the years and had experimented with dosages as well. My own trip was smooth, colorful and flowing like a river through peaceful woodland. I cuddled and kissed my friend’s partner because every affectionate touch felt even better while tripping, especially with people you trust. 

 

As I felt his hands on me and turned around to look at him it felt like falling in love all over again. Every fiber of my body told me that he was the one, the man I wanted to kiss, to touch, getting touched by and being one with. Looking inside his eyes was like looking up into the night sky, a feeling of getting lost - in a positive way - stepping into another world, knowing you would never get tired of looking at its beauty. 

 

His hands were all over my body, our lips connected more often than not, melting into each other. His heartbeat was mine, my feelings were his, and we knew exactly what we wanted, where to touch each other, not thinking about my friends still being with us. Time and space were meaningless words, our bodies less flesh and bones but beautiful colors getting mixed together to create something new. I hadn’t expected us to have sex during this trip, had only experienced how bad it felt when I tried it with another guy I had no deeper connecting with years ago. Having this deeper connection to someone was the key to open the door for the most blissful experience while being high on mushrooms. There was not one second I doubted him being the right one to do this with, nor was I prepared of how good it would feel in the end. 

 

It wasn’t like a usual sexual experience with someone you loved, more like a ritual, lost in time where everything lasted forever and was still not enough, like doing everything for the very first time but knowing exactly what you needed to do. We were two pieces perfectly, neatly fitting together. A feeling so overwhelming that I wanted to cry being so blessed and able to feel it. With him inside me, kissing me, holding him in my arms I felt whole and when he told me he was about to fall in love with me everything was falling into place. I told him that I loved him, without thinking about it, just acting on every impulse my body was giving me and there wasn't anything more real than us loving each other. Separated for years, living under the same sky, breathing the same air but never being together - we finally were whole and free. 

 

He was different after the trip, accepting me in his life rather than tolerating me, waiting for the deadline until I was gone. When we came back, we enjoyed the quiet moments just laying naked in bed, looking at each other, sharing simple touches that meant everything, holding each other or walking through the park together. It was then when he told me that he had been married but cheated on her with her brother and that he felt caged in since forever.

 

_No matter how loud I screamed, no matter how hard I pushed my body against the solid iron bars of the cage, nobody came to help me so I built walls, made decisions that weren't my own and destroyed everything shortly after because it felt wrong. This wasn’t me._

 

Although with his walls gone it wasn't getting easier for him but harder as his normal life was still the same - the same routines, the same job, same people he had to show his perfect strong image of the flawless businessman. All attempts to take a step back from sacrificing himself for others, for his job, only made him struggling harder and nothing I did could capture him, functioning as a safety net because he wasn't ready to let it all go. He wanted to make it work, the person behind the mirror tried to live the life of the person in front, making small changes that weren't enough to keep the machine going. 

 

Later, always later. A few hours less, no overtime, no working at home, asking for days off for the first time when everyone counted on him being there - always. He couldn't keep up with the rush and he had no control over the speeding, the deadlines, the workload, and he didn't know how to cut loose the things that once defined him. The cool negotiator, who sealed every deal and was obsessed with numbers and loopholes to win even the toughest clients was overstrained and helpless like a child, couldn’t move forward nor backward. Old doors with old beliefs were closed, new doors ready to open and he was standing in the middle of the dimly lit corridor, terrified to find out which one to open.

 

Even though I was part of his life now, he couldn’t let me in completely as in the past he had always been alone. It was hard for him to share his thoughts with me, discuss and find a solution together even though when he spoke them out loud you could hear the urgency behind. Words that wanted to be spoken for so long, words that were painful because he was hurting for so long. He couldn’t keep it up and everything new and pleasant started to feel wrong to him, despite being the best that could have happened. We met his best friend and his partner, he showed me that he let me in, trusted me with his precious and fragile happiness, which I treasured with my entire being. However, at the same time, he became distant, and the emptiness inside his eyes returned abruptly when he announced his parents would come to visit. 

 

He had told me that they always praised his younger brother, married with a pregnant wife. The trophy son that would take over their father’s company, who shone so bright in their parent's glory that everything he would do or say would never be enough to make them proud - to make them see _him_.

 

He was seeking love and attention he never got as a child, terrified to feel secure and safe with the love I or his best friend gave him, not knowing how long it would last, not knowing when it was destroyed by me or him or somebody else.

 

I knew it wasn’t going to end well when he asked me to come with him. He wasn’t in a state of mind to meet his family at all. The personification of disappointment in their eyes delivered on a silver platter. Why couldn’t they see that their support was what he was longing for the most? He was successful, had a brilliant mind and was a good person. A person with flaws that made mistakes but we all did and as his parents, it gave them no right to love him less for being just human. My parents would have loved him, welcomed him into their home, treating him as their own son - it’s what he deserved. Unfortunately, we never came this far.

 

The chances were high that his mother would recognize me and I wasn’t under any illusion that she would be happy to discover that I was the one dating her son. First of all because his parents were strictly against his inner attitude that gender didn’t matter and secondly because his mother was one of the people scolding my family for allowing me to do things differently. However, I didn’t care if his parents were against me or my family because the most important thing was to be there for him, hold him close when he needed me. I dressed suitable for the occasion, though I was running late in the end as work called me last minute. 

 

Time I would have needed to capture his fall.

 

When I arrived at the restaurant, in great anticipation to see him, he was about to go. He looked so broken, lost, like nothing I could say would even reach him. For a moment there was anger in his face, the judgemental look he had given me when we met months ago and when it crumbled all there was left was pain. I didn’t know what happened but when we were standing face to face and he let go of my hand I knew it was over.

  
 _I’m so sorry,_ were his last words before he left.

 

My lungs felt like they were running out of oxygen, burning greater than the smoke of marijuana as were the tears filling my eyes. My first impulse was to follow him, talk to him, no, just pull him into my arms and show him that everything was going to be okay no matter what but then the voice of his mother reached me. I have never been so angry, furious, in my life when I walked over to their table and it didn’t matter that this was his family and we were in public, in a very expensive restaurant. 

 

Out of all the things I had intended to say to them, the only words that left my mouth had been:

  
  
_The greatest gift in life is love and loving your child unconditionally no matter their sexual orientation, their wishes, and their appearance. He owes you nothing but you owe him everything._

 

Everyone is fighting their own battles but there was nothing wrong with pointing out when someone else got hurt in the process. I didn’t allow them to see me break, being disrespectful even though my love was gone and all I wanted to do was yell and cry because our paths had yet again parted.

 

He was gone again and took my heart with him. 

 

I wonder if you’ll ever read this, but let me tell you, my love, that since the very first day I saw you smile and whenever I think about you, this poem of William Shakespeare comes to mind:

  
  
 _When I saw you_   
_I fell in love,_   
_And you smiled_ _  
_ Because you knew

 

This book might be at its end, but my love for you will never be and whenever you might decide that it’s time for us to meet again, I’ll be waiting for you at the place where your heart shimmers colorful and bright like diamonds in the sky and seasons fade in and out like soft lullabies.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, first of all, I didn't plan this chapter to be 12k long but I hope it was worth waiting for!  
> I'm so sorry it took me so long, gonna upload the next chapter faster, though it will also be the end of our journey :(
> 
> I'm so thankful for all your kudos and comments and your support so far, it's really encouraging uwu ❤️
> 
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> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/crimson_chou)
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> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe there simply are no reasons known to men explaining why two people fall in love. 

The warmth of the sun on his skin, the fresh and clean air up in the mountains, endless paths leading nowhere and everywhere and the roar of the waves, taking away all problems, drowning them in the depths of the ocean. Arts and crafts, architecture, monuments simply made by hand resulting in awestruck pieces that had survived for so long, silent witnesses of time. Not to forget the variety of humans he had met while simply walking around, accepting the moment, accepting the purpose of existing as a possibility of exploring life itself and the person he was and wanted to be.

 

It hadn’t been easy for him, leaving everything behind that had hurt him for so long, always cutting deeper into his soul. Also leaving his loved ones behind, who were always by his side, ready to hold and protect him. It hadn’t been easy to leave Minhyuk at the restaurant without giving him any kind of explanation. He had looked so unbelievably handsome and when Hyungwon closed his eyes he could still see his smiling face in front of him, stepping through the door in joyful anticipation, he could feel his long fingers under his own right before he left, destroying his beautiful smile even though it was the sunshine of his life.

 

With Minhyuk, Hyungwon had overstepped so many lines, taking down walls he had been building for years, thankful that there was finally someone who seemed to care about his suffering soul. Hoseok and Kihyun cared as well, they were his friends after all and cared deeply about his wellbeing but there was some deeper connection with Minhyuk he had been longing for and all this time he hadn't been able to point his finger on the reason why.

  
  
_Maybe there simply are no reasons known to men explaining why two people fall in love._  

 

Love, that felt so good and so natural that it had scared the shit out of Hyungwon that something like this even existed and Minhyuk just gave it to him for free, was willing to deal with his hurtful defense until he had reached the fragile core. He had allowed himself to be vulnerable, had shown a side to Minhyuk that was broken, imperfect and to the greatest possible extent unexplored by strangers - maybe even himself as he had always tried to keep it on lockdown. The problem was, no matter how much he had tried to be a stranger to himself, using his skills only to satisfy other people’s thirst for making money he had been unable to run away from himself. 

 

Deep down he had always known that the life he had been living wasn’t right for him, that he should have had the courage to leave when he had felt the need to break out of the system for the first time, figure out the rest on the way. But they got into his head, manipulated his mind, filling it with toxic venom until he was right for them. For a long time, regret had been his companion, additional to the shame of having disappointed his family and not just that, the insatiable need for love had led to a loveless marriage. He had been searching for something that simply wasn’t there despite being right in front of him all this time. 

 

Hyungwon had tried to build his life on a fundament of negative emotions, caging his true self in until there was nothing left of it he could have shown to the world, but his family had never been satisfied. He had wanted to believe that he could be like his father to make him proud, ignoring all his flaws, overcome them by working even harder, always giving more than a hundred percent, sacrificing himself to please others. Everything had been hard without time to take a break and just breath, taking a look around.

 

However, being with Minhyuk had been like breathing and it had scared him because it was so easy. He had hated it. How could it have been so easy? There must have been something wrong. Well to be fair, he had thought the same about Hoseok at the beginning because this muscular man of kindness had just marched into his life and became friends with him, ignored his defense completely and won him over with his loving and understanding nature. And Minhyuk had been just there, warming Hyungwon with his smile and his free-spirited nature, not caring about who he was, what he was doing, that he had money and was the total opposite of him. 

 

When they were together nothing else had mattered anymore and he could forget about the pressure for a moment.

  
  
Minhyuk had made his walls crumble, waiting patiently for him to open up, reaching out for Hyungwon’s hand no matter what happened, but even when they had started to fall in love it hadn’t been enough to capture Hyungwon’s fall. Developing feelings for Minhyuk had been a slow process as was the shift of perspective of handling things in his life. Trying new things, like smoking weed or simply leaving the office punctual just to meet up with a man that was always so bright and full of energy, making him long for the same. It had been probably one of the reasons why he had hated Minhyuk for his free spirit because he really was _free_ and just did the things he wanted to do without giving a damn about the opinion of others. He was confident in who he was and what he wanted, never taking his judgemental words personal, grabbing his hand instead when he felt the world crashing down on him.

 

Hyungwon had wanted it too. Being free, feeling _alive_. 

 

He could have stayed, figuring everything out with Minhyuk’s and Hoseok’s help, though the moment he had lost his job nothing had made sense to him anymore and he had questioned everything - even the good times he had experienced. Had they been real? Had anything good in his life been real? Hyungwon hadn’t known who he was anymore or what he wanted. He had hated everything, wanted someone to blame, a scapegoat he could take out his anger on. His former boss maybe, his family, his ex-wife, Minhyuk or those stupid magic mushrooms. 

 

Hyungwon had hated himself so much that it felt like a disease eating him up from the inside, cutting him up piece by piece until nothing was left anymore. There was nobody else responsible but himself.

 

Numbness was all he had felt when he finally came clean with his parents, leaving them behind embarrassed at their family dinner, however, he couldn’t have cared less. It hadn’t been about them. Nothing was. But when Minhyuk had stepped into the restaurant, for a short moment the curtains had lifted. Minhyuk had been there ready to love him, to support him, to catch him and it was that moment that Hyungwon knew he couldn’t accept his love the way he wanted to and couldn’t love him back the way Minhyuk deserved to. 

 

An explanation, would have been the least he should have offered Minhyuk when they had been standing face to face but his mind had been unable to process a single clear thought, left alone his mouth forming the words, giving them a voice. No words had been enough to explain how broken he had felt so he left with a single apology. Hyungwon hadn’t been used to take help, take a step back only to sacrificing himself for others.

 

He has had no idea where to go, how to move on with his life without the slightest clue what to do. All the appointments inside his planner invalid, the pressure to perform perfectly in front of clients as well. Hyungwon was free, without any chains attached to his neck anymore aimlessly wandering around like a ghost without any purpose. What did he even want from life now that he could have had everything?

 

Leaving behind the massive destruction Hyungwon used to call his life, his way had led him out of the city. There had been no plan, no place to go, just the feeling that he didn’t want to go home. _Home,_ as in the clean, lifeless apartment his ex-wife had arranged for them to live their ridiculously perfect but loveless life. Although, _home_ had gotten a whole new meaning since Hyungwon shared his life with Minhyuk and he sure wanted to go back to it. But not like this.

 

The city lights had rushed by like tiny fireflies, were replaced by the calming darkness and the headlights of his car on the empty road. Hyungwon’s mind was blank and only when he had stopped the car he had realized the Bordeaux red Hyundai in front of the old house were Jooheon and Changkyun lived. He couldn’t explain why he had gone all the way up there, how he even remembered the way without any navigation as he had only been there once with Minhyuk for their magic mushroom trip. Jooheon and Changkyun weren’t even his friends, had he only seen them this one weekend. Hyungwon could have just checked into an expensive hotel, enjoying a nice hot shower and room service to clear his head but maybe there was a reason why his path had led him to those two hippies living in the woods so he had gotten out of his car and rang the bell without thinking twice.

  
  
To be honest, his mind had been just blank, empty pages in a book that wanted to tell the exciting story of Hyungwon’s life. He had come empty-handed, without change of clothes, toiletries or even a good explanation for disturbing them in the middle of the night because he had run away from his problems like a teenager. And maybe that’s what he still had been deep inside, the young boy trying to find his place, seeking love and doing the things he loved, giving a fuck about the opinions of their toxic society. 

 

Jooheon had opened the door, surprised to see him, coming alone, looking broken and helpless and Hyungwon could still not believe the hospitality that was shown to him. Neither Changkyun nor Jooheon had forced him to speak, just offered him tea and snacks and a warm bed where Hyungwon curled himself up into the thick, soft blanket to stop falling. The last time he had lain in this bed with Minhyuk and when he closed his eyes, Hyungwon still saw his beautiful and warm smile which had led to him desperately sobbing, crying himself to sleep. He didn’t know where it had suddenly come from, couldn’t even remember the last time he had cried, let himself be vulnerable and just feel the pain that had been building up inside, too scared to even face it. And it had hurt so much as he would disappear. God, he had wanted to disappear so badly, let the silence of the night swallow him whole but it wasn’t that easy.

  
  
When he opened his eyes the next day, he had been still alive, still hurting, still feeling like one movement would break even more. His eyes burned, his body felt like a rock, stiff, hard and heavy and all he could do was stare at the wall at the opposite side of the room. Just another cold winter morning, though he loved snow he had never had the chance to fully enjoy it. Hyungwon has had no idea how to face Jooheon and Changkyun and it took him quite some time to even get up but when he did his hosts had already prepared something to eat and another cup of tea for him. Jooheon had sat down with him in front of the big window facing the snow-covered garden. He had forced himself to eat even though he wasn’t hungry, felt nauseous even but the tea helped to calm down his system - or maybe it had been Jooheon’s presence. 

 

Jooheon had looked so calm, so abundant raising a desire in Hyungwon to just sink into his arms and hug him - but it would have been highly inappropriate, probably. Hyungwon wasn’t someone running around hugging people after all but he came to understand why people would come here seeking help and guidance from him. Jooheon just welcomed people with an open heart, made them feel loved without even touching them. Had he always been like this? Had his life been easy and if not, how did he manage to radiate so much love instead of having a heart filled with bitterness?

  
  
“I don’t know who I am anymore.” Hyungwon had said into the silence, eyes fixed on one of the bare trees outside while sitting on one of the big cushions on the floor but he couldn’t have cared less.

  
  
“Who do you want to be?” Jooheon had asked.

  
  
“Myself.” it came out as a mere whisper, nothing more as if it was something forbidden to speak out loud yet a desire he had wanted to give into.

 

There had been a soft hum from Jooheon and a slight smile on his lips Hyungwon missed.  
  


 

“What’s stopping you?”

 

“I don’t know what to do, where to go… I can’t just- leave it all, can I? And I can’t leave him but just walked out on him without any explanation… but I can’t be with him like this. I just don’t know-” Hyungwon hadn’t recognized himself as he had never been in a lack of words - he had been a negotiator after all.

  
  
“You’re allowed to start a new chapter in your life any time, Hyungwon. Leaving things behind you've outgrown only shows that you're ready to move on and it might scare you now but be curious about all the things you haven't even thought of yet. You don't have to rush it, take all the time you need for yourself to get to know you better." 

 

It always sounded so easy. _Just love yourself and there'll always be sunshine in your life_. But nobody told you how exactly to let go of old toxic behavior that had kept you going for so long. How was he supposed to move on and be curious about things he hadn't thought of yet? 

 

"I know you can't imagine another life that easily, especially when you're used to following and fulfilling the needs of others. Still, just start with small things you always wanted to do, dress differently, for example, or take a walk through the woods. Even the fact that you're here is already a step forward." Jooheon had reached out for him, placing his hand on his upper back, a simple gesture with a lot of impacts. _I got you._

 

"And about Minhyuk," he added in a soft tone. "You two have much more in common than you think and he'll understand when you need time to figure things out on your own. He allowed himself to step away from other's expectations as well but that doesn't mean it had been easy for him. He wants you to see all the things he loves about you, you might hate about yourself. If you want a long-lasting, strong and healthy relationship with him then loving and accepting yourself is the first step.”

  
  
“But- I don’t know how long it’s going to take and I can’t force Minhyuk to wait for me that long.” Hyungwon had sighed bitterly, like every breath he took was heavy and exhausting. 

 

“You’re not forcing him. It’s still his decision, don’t you think? Stop apologizing, Hyungwon. Take your time and contact him when you’re ready, let him know that you’re okay. You don’t have to be afraid to talk to him about your feelings even if you think they’re fucked up. He loves you, and you should know that by now considering how deeply you two were connected on your trip. It was just beautiful. You are lovable and welcome no matter how many people think the opposite. And you’re always welcome here.”

  
  
“Thank you.” It had been merely audible but Jooheon smiled at him so he must have had heard it. Hyungwon had blushed a little thinking about the trip, and that Jooheon had seen them having sex, making love in a way too perfect to describe it.

  
  
“My parents gave me away, didn’t want me. I grew up in foster care and dropped out of school to work shitty jobs, slept in saunas, having nothing, so I know what it means to be judged, feeling unloved and abandoned but I believed in myself and that it’s going to get better. I didn’t know when it would happen and there were times when I doubted myself, sure, but I didn’t spend my days to hate others or blamed my parents for not wanting me. We never know what demons other people have to fight so the only thing you have in your hand is yourself. At some point I quit all my jobs and started tramping, having only my backpack and cash but I wouldn’t have met all those wonderful people without this way of living and I don’t regret it because just a few months after I met Changkyun in Shanghai and we’re together ever since. He’s my family, his family welcomed me with open arms. So, it doesn’t matter how fucked up you think you are because we all are and are still able to love and be loved. There’s a place for everyone that’s worth to be called _home_. And my love and I committed our lives to show people that there’s nothing wrong with them, opening up their minds and sure magic mushrooms are a strong tool for that purpose but not the only one, though it opens the door to your subconscious mind most people wouldn't dare to open on their own, like you." 

 

Hyungwon had just stared at Jooheon as the younger male told his story, being open with him without fear. He felt sorry that he had judged him at their first encounter, as he had judged Minhyuk and anybody else who hadn’t looked decent enough. Jooheon would have had every right to kick him out, was Hyungwon probably the embodiment of all the people telling him that he was worthless. Although, in the end, they were both humans with their own fucked up story because under all the perfection, the designer clothes and his ignorance for other people, Hyungwon had been hurting and couldn't forgive. Especially himself for even being alive. Though, at the same time he was trying to get better but it was hard and confusing and so frustrating yet there were those wonderful people believing in him.

 

"There's nothing to learn in a perfect world because if there's no room for failure, there's no room for improvement, to learn from the mistakes and get up to create something new."

 

"Can you help me?" Hyungwon had asked, words that felt so alien coming out of his mouth.

 

"I will." 

 

The first step into something new, a strange world, facing himself, starting to learn what he really needed - it had been simply terrifying for Hyungwon but he was finally willing to take all the necessary steps ahead. 

 

Despite his mind feeling full but so empty it had taken him another few days to text Minhyuk. 

 

_"Have you eaten? Are you safe?"_

 

Hyungwon was superior using words yet the only answer he had been able to form to Minhyuk's last message was:

 

_"I need some time alone. I love you."_

 

It had felt so strange to type those words, telling Minhyuk how he felt even though he already knew. Minhyuk was his partner, his boyfriend, his soulmate, a person he had been longing for so long and of course he had been afraid, losing him like this because he wasn't ready to grow with him together but had to grow on his own first. There was regret, leaving him behind unable to give him a proper explanation, but at the same time, there was hope. Hyungwon had trusted Minhyuk to stay with him, no matter how long it would take him to figure things out. There was no way to describe it but Hyungwon had been convinced that the bond between them was stronger than any distance. Maybe they wouldn't be lovers anymore when they faced each other again still they would be connected or maybe their connection and their relationship would have become even stronger. And Hyungwon had wanted to believe in the latter when he read Minhyuk’s reply, full of fear that had changed into great disbelief.

  
  
_“I love you too. Take all the time you need. I’m here if you need me.”_

_  
_ _  
_ He hadn’t been used to people being that understanding, except Hoseok but he didn’t count as a normal person, he was more some kind of a saint. In Hyungwon’s world, in his experience, one wrong step would backfire instantly as it did with his job and people weren’t forgiving or concerned about his private problems. Being picture-perfect had been the only acceptable way to live until now and it was moving Hyungwon to tears, was succumbing to the feeling of gratitude that felt so overpowering that he couldn’t react any other way. It was as if his whole system hadn’t known what to do, had no information on how to react in this case and could only collapse.

 

He had spent the first time with Jooheon and Changkyun or just took time alone wandering aimlessly through the snow-covered woods, impressed how easy it was to let go of the need to put his armor on. The world had come to a standstill and was only filled with the sound of the wind blowing through the trees, the cracking of the branches in the distance and the sound of his deep breathing filling the cold air with white clouds. Hyungwon was far away from everything and he had no idea what was going to happen but somehow it was okay not knowing his next steps. 

 

There were no bullet points, lists, and expectations, especially not from his parents who he had left behind at the table in embarrassment. He had waited for the regret being so disrespectful to his parents but there simply was none as he never could have lived a life in freedom being chained up by their rules. Rules that used to be carved into his mind like hieroglyphs into ancient stone and what better way could have been there to get rid of them than destroying everything? But in contrary to previous cases, he had finally managed to destroy the right thing instead of himself, at least that was how it felt. 

 

Living with Jooheon and Changkyun had been different because their worldview was so different yet due to the time Hyungwon had spent with Minhyuk, he had been more willing to listen. Besides, all of them were pretty normal, kind-hearted and open-minded people, definitely not smoking weed or eating magic mushrooms for breakfast and Hyungwon would have never known without giving them a chance and opening up himself, allowing himself to make new experiences. They were pretty good at their job and encouraged him to leave South Korea for a while, taking a long-overdue vacation to recharge his batteries. 

 

Driving back into the city after spending so much time with Jooheon and Changkyun felt alien. Everything had, especially stepping into his lifeless apartment. Hyungwon had looked around, walking through the rooms, waiting to feel something that felt like he might have been at home but there was _nothing_ as the only thing that had lightened up his _home_ had been Minhyuk. The soft buzzing of the refrigerator had been the only sound filling the empty perfection of his apartment. It hadn't felt like it belonged to him as he belonged there and when he stepped outside on the snow-covered balcony, taking a deep breath, feeling the icy cold air burning on his cheeks, he felt ready to let it go. 

 

Hyungwon had messaged Hoseok, told him that he was okay, asked him to sell his apartment while he was gone. It was funny that nothing of the things he had owned was worth anything anymore. He simply had filled his suitcase with comfortable clothing, toiletries, a shirt Minhyuk must have had forgotten and his computer. All the expensive designer suits, the pricey watches, high-quality leather bags, and shoes were left behind, ready being sold and worn by someone else. And once Hyungwon had placed his key on the neatly cleaned kitchen counter - together with a generous gift for his maid Mrs. Minji - closing the door behind him, he had felt like a huge burden had been lifted off his shoulders. 

 

The door was closed and with it the chapter of Hyungwon's old life.

 

As much as he had missed Minhyuk, sometimes even felt guilty for leaving without him even though they had wanted to go together, he tried to have a long-distance relationship with him, sharing his moments with him, sending him pictures and messages, receiving pictures and messages from him, showing his ridiculously beautiful face and his warm smile that made Hyungwon's heart aching. He was still there, at the other end of the world but still there, looking up into the same night sky, breathing the same air.

 

The curse of having lots of money in his bank account turned into possibilities once he realized how much potential it had. He had worked his ass off making money, graduating as the best of his class, showing all those high-ranked men in suits how worthy he could be for them by closing deals for people who thought about buying their fifth car or another Cartier necklace for their wives, apologizing for cheating again but his money could make a difference for others who weren't that lucky.

 

Hyungwon could make a difference by being nobody instead of clinging to the illusion of being someone _better_.

 

He had exchanged the luxury hotels to hostels, sharing a room with strangers from all around the world, working here and there for board and lodging, stepping away from all the materialism that had been so present and important in his life so far. It was a whole new world but Jooheon had been right, meeting all those wonderful new people, hearing their stories and working on various non-profit projects together was worth all the absence of luxury and status. Hyungwon felt like he could breathe, like the work he did had a purpose, was helping people as did his money he donated into various projects so that he didn’t even notice how the time was passing by.

  
  
Hoseok had sold Hyungwon’s apartment and all the things he had left behind, hoping for the new owner to make good memories in it. Kihyun and Hoseok had changed to another company and moved in together and whenever they sent him videos, his heart had been filled with warmth and love for them because they loved each other so much. He loved to see how they acted being together, they were a team yet both sometimes so different. Hoseok could be such a foolish child like this one time when he tried to help Kihyun baking cookies but was kicked out of the kitchen due to his messy attitude - and because he was eating most of the ingredients beforehand or had his hands on Kihyun's body distracting him from his duties. 

 

He had met Jooheon and Changkyun abroad in Boston when they attended a conference of a very famous scientist who happened to be Changkyun’s father - only to learn that Changkyun's family actually lived there and he was born and raised in the States - which at least explained his bold and direct nature. 

 

"Here, you should read this." Jooheon had handed him a book with a colorful cover which reminded him of Minhyuk's bandanas. 

 

"Magic Mushrooms?" From the title, Hyungwon had assumed it was some kind of guide about psilocybin trips one could have with the various types of mushrooms, not knowing why he would need something like this. The name of the author didn't ring a bell either, but he also hadn't read much Korean literature over the past few months. 

 

"Just read it and thank me later." Jooheon's smile had been unreadable as was Changkyun's face that had been buried in Jooheon’s neck anyway.

 

He had read it, lying in bed at night or when he was sitting outside, enjoying the nice weather, and with every word and every sentence it had become clearer that this book was about him, which meant that the author had to be Minhyuk. Hyungwon had never asked him for his pseudonym, hadn't looked him up because his head had always been so full of work and things that turned out as completely irrelevant in the end. But this book, their story that reached so much deeper than he could have imagined was pure and honest and it explained so many things, lifted the fog before his eyes to show him the truth. There always had been the assumption that Minhyuk knew exactly what he needed, how he was feeling even if he couldn’t express it himself. Moreover, Minhyuk had always given him the feeling that it was okay being vulnerable, that he was loved no matter how hard he had tried to fight him, though in retrospect he had never fought Minhyuk hard enough, always left a crack in the door, hoping that maybe, _maybe_ , he could save him. 

 

Reading his teenage life through the eyes of somebody else was painful and all he wanted to do was to lift himself up, embrace this version of himself to tell him that it was okay to leave. Hyungwon had hated himself for so long but he had only tried to be somebody he had never been in the first place and Minhyuk had seen it, all this time. The boy Hyungwon couldn’t even remember, though he remembered the coffee that had been given to him, leaving him speechless because this moment had been so out of the ordinary that all he could have done was to smile. There had never been a face, a person, connected to this gesture but now he could see Minhyuk waiting for him to smile and he had remembered sitting next to him on the couch with his box of cheap Chinese take-out, smiling at him so peacefully like Hyungwon was the most precious human being on this earth for him.

  
  
And apparently he was - for years. Minhyuk had always known him better like Hyungwon did, being in love with the person he had tried to hide away from the world and time seemed to be no obstacle as well as long distances. 

 

All the moments Minhyuk described in his book suddenly made sense. His expensive clothing, his adequate behavior at the restaurants but also the feeling he had given him, that he truly _understood_ how hard it was to let go from this life of money and expectations. Hyungwon was especially surprised by the impact he had had on Minhyuk, being the initiator of change without knowing, and considering that their paths had crossed again making the same change possible for Hyungwon could only be described as fate. 

 

 _Minhyuk is your soulmate_ , Hyungwon had thought, feeling a quiet peacefulness spreading through his whole body.

 

Hyungwon had felt disgusted that his family had dared to judge Minhyuk and his parents for allowing him to be free and if he would have known in the first place he would have never asked him to come with him, probably would have found the courage earlier to wipe the slate clean. Not once in all those months had Hyungwon heard from his parents, only his younger brother had asked for him, apologized, hoping for them to stay in contact, even encouraging him to go his own way. It had surprised him and no matter how much he had hated his brother for being their parent’s favorite, it wasn’t his fault and it wasn’t Hyungwon’s fault. And every time he looked into the mirror he was happy with his decision, never felt that crushing feeling of being forced to be a perfect copy of his father, ever again.

 

He had been so afraid of his father’s words, that he would end up as a no-good that he had never tried again but if he would have known that his freedom and his happiness were only one burdensome step ahead Hyungwon would have pushed harder. Neither of the people he had met on his travels were no-goods, nor were his friends. Jooheon was strong and successful in the things he could do best, had met the love of his love because he didn’t give up and Changkyun wasn’t a better man than him only because he was born in the States in a wealthy family and worked hard for the things he believed in. Minhyuk had chosen his path, was intelligent and helped others to have a safe place and Hyungwon had definitely found that place in him. Yes, some would even call Hoseok a loser for following his creative mind instead of doing something that was actually needed, completely ignoring the fact that everyone was welcome and needed in one way or another. 

 

Not to forget Hyungwon himself, who didn’t end up as a no-good only because he had closed the book of his old life. He had taken advantage of everything that had haunted him, that had been a burden and nearly destroyed him to turn it into something good, something new. Hyungwon had funded two start-ups, made new contacts all around the world, had never run short on opportunities to help others with his skills and had got real gratitude in exchange. 

 

The day he finished Minhyuk’s book, read the last handwritten words with this beautiful poem of William Shakesphere, he knew it was time to go home. Hyungwon was ready to be with him, ready to love him the way he deserved to be loved and ready to accept the love Minhyuk gave him in return. 

 

He had left nearly before Christmas and came back around the same time one year later. Everything was covered in a pure white blanket of powdered snow looking like the whole scenery had been sprinkled with sugar. His apartment might have been sold, Hyungwon didn’t feel homeless, knowing that Hoseok and Kihyun, as well as Jooheon and Changkyun, would invite him into their loving homes at any time until he found something new but first, his way led him to the park. It had always been his sacred place and walking along the snow-covered paths made it clear that this was still the case. Here he had found a place to calm down, here he had met Minhyuk, had shared intimate kisses with him under the night sky. Looking over to his old company didn’t leave a bad taste, it didn’t matter anymore and he fully became aware of how calm he felt, how much he had overcome since his journey had started. He had been a mess, lost everything he'd ever known but was able to start something he’d ever wanted and hopefully Minhyuk would be a part of this _something_.

  
  
Hyungwon hadn’t told him that he was back, while he had no idea if Minhyuk would even be at the park at this time of the day. Maybe he was at work or writing on another project - oh, how much he wanted to see him sitting on his computer, wrapped into his soft poncho, working concentrated on something he loved. There were so many things he wanted to experience with him and if it was just lying in bed, holding him tight while softly caressing his naked body. His memories might have been a little blurred but the way his heated skin felt under his fingertips, the taste of his soft pink lips on his own, as well as the feeling of being so deeply connected with him was burned into every fiber of his being.

 

The thick layer of snow was making funny sounds under his boots while he walked around the frozen lake, feeling the cold breeze hitting his face, coloring his cheeks softly red and making his long black hair waving in the wind. He was well dressed as he had always been, without any expensive brands on it, discreet earrings decorated his ears, while his wavy black hair had grown nearly to his shoulders.

  
  
When he had reached the other side of the lake, the scent of candles, wood and street food filled the air. The market was still there, had probably raised its popularity over time to offer goods on a more regular basis. Hyungwon’s feet knew exactly where to go, while his heart rate only increased with every step he came closer to the point where Minhyuk’s sales stall used to be and when the dark, musky scent of patchouli reached him Hyungwon knew, it still was.

  
  
_He’s here._

  
  
From afar he could see the colorful bandana around Minhyuk’s blonde hair - he had been very surprised when his boyfriend had sent him a picture a few months ago but it suited him perfectly and Hyungwon really liked it. A few minutes passed and Hyungwon was getting a feel for all those moments Minhyuk had looked at him from the distance. He paid close attention to the way he smiled at the customers, even crouched down to a child to let them smell on the candles. Minhyuk was just beautiful and Hyungwon felt himself falling in love with him all over again. 

 

Taking in a deep breath, he walked over to the blonde man who was in the process of saying goodbye to the kid and its parents just to get back on his feet right the moment Hyungwon came to a halt in front of him. Minhyuk's deep hazel-brown eyes widened instantly, staring at Hyungwon as if he was a ghost and couldn't be real. 

 

"You're back." his voice was nothing more than a husky whisper and his brain seemed to take a moment to come up with a proper motoric response as his hand tried to reach out for him but was lowered hesitantly before Hyungwon softly grabbed it, sending a shiver through both their bodies at the touch.

 

"I am," Hyungwon said softly, a slight smile on his lips, caressing over the back Minhyuk's hand with his thumb. "I just followed the scent of patchouli." 

 

_This scent will always lead me to you._

 

It was odd, like a Deja Vu with a whole new set of emotions and feelings, something that was so much deeper than ever before. One year has passed, and at this moment their long-distance relationship was going to end and the soft lullabies the wind had sung became reality. 

 

He could see tears coming up in Minhyuk's eyes before the blond finally wrapped his arms around his neck, pulling him so close that there was not even a piece of paper fitting in between. It was real and everything fell into place at this very moment.

 

"I missed you, I missed you so much," Hyungwon whispered against his temple, pressing Minhyuk's warm body against his own, still in disbelief that he could finally embrace him again, enjoying the feeling of being with the man he loved. 

 

"I missed you too, every single day." Minhyuk never wanted to let go of him ever again, though he allowed a tiny bit of space coming between them so he could place his forehead against Hyungwon's. He felt his hot breath lingering on his cold skin, making it burn a little like stepping into a hot shower after being outside in the cold for too long. 

 

“God, you’re so beautiful,” Hyungwon whispered, fully in awe of seeing Minhyuk’s beauty in the flesh, palming his cold cheeks with his big, warm hands, slowly leaning in to kiss him, unable to resist the urge any second longer, making it undeniably clear that they couldn't be just friends if this option hadn't already died months ago. They literally melted into the kiss, taking their time to fully taste each other's lips, not caring about the world watching them. Hyungwon didn’t care anymore because Minhyuk was with him, was just overflowing with endorphins that nothing else mattered.

 

He had been so afraid that someone could see them being close at the beginning, that he missed out showering Minhyuk with love and it simply wasn’t worth hiding his affection for him. It had been too long and the longer their kiss lasted the more intoxicating it got, that Hyungwon was wondering how he could have lived without it for so long. They could hardly stop kissing, even when they were out of breath, gasping into the other's mouth more than kissing, inflaming the desire to be even closer, to be alone, taking time to be intimate and making love. It was so much more than lust and the need to have sex. This was different as it went deeper, had shifted to a connection that would last forever - because it was like fine threads of a spider's web as Minhyuk had called it.

 

"Let's go somewhere quieter," Minhyuk whispered out of breath, brushing the long black hair strands of Hyungwon behind his ear. He liked the way the silky texture felt under his fingers.

 

"Can you go just like this?" Hyungwon placed warm kisses along Minhyuk's cheek, seeking nothing more than being alone with him. 

 

"I've been here long enough for today and in need of my very hot boyfriend who just came back to Seoul to warm me up." Minhyuk playfully caught Hyungwon's lips for another kiss before he let go of him.

 

Hyungwon softly hummed, liking the way Minhyuk was talking about him and helped him pack up before they went to his place in Minhyuk’s car - well, the car of the organization he worked for. The apartment still looked like the very first time Hyungwon had been here, apart from a few new decorations and a big wooden dining table that didn’t match with the rest of the furniture. But since the whole concept of this apartment seemed to be unmatching, it fit right into it. He had only been here when they had sex for the very first time and he remembered being so judgemental and all he saw now was Minhyuk’s personality in every single piece. It was warm and welcoming, just like him.

  
  
Minhyuk turned on the heater and made some tea for them, looking down on Hyungwon sitting on his bed, biting his lower lip as if he was uncertain speaking his mind out loud or not. But this was Minhyuk so he did it anyway.

  
  
“Can you take off your clothes?” he asked bluntly, placing the tray with the teacups on the nightstand. The question caught Hyungwon by surprise - not that he had any problems with taking off his clothes in front of the blond man, had he always enjoyed being naked and holding him close.

  
  
“I really need to feel your warm body on mine, holding me close, warming me, making me believe that this is all real and not just a fantasy because I missed you so much.” Minhyuk was already busy taking off his bandana and oversized pullover, opening his blue jeans without hesitation, pulling them off including his underwear and socks just to stand there perfectly naked in front of him.

  
  
He was vulnerable, bare, speaking the things out loud he felt and looked so unspeakable handsome that Hyungwon stood up without saying another word, opening the buttons of his shirt with Minhyuk’s help, got rid of his pants and underwear. The atmosphere was so quiet all of a sudden and Hyungwon released a stuttering breath he didn’t know he was holding, before he softly traced his fingers over Minhyuk’s collarbones, down his chest, and over his perfectly pink nubs, he wanted to kiss and caress with his lips and his tongue, eliciting the sweetest moans out of Minhyuk’s mouth.

 

Hyungwon took one step closer, slowly caressing over Minhyuk’s stomach and his hip bones, before placing his hands on his back. His hot breath was lingering on Minhyuk’s lips and he enjoyed how responsive Minhyuk was for his touch, how his breathing got more irregular, his lips slightly parted and his dark eyes half-closed, leaning into his touch he had been seeking for so long.

  
  
“It’s not a fantasy, it’s real,” he softly whispered against Minhyuk’s jaw, placing feathery kisses on his neck and cheek. “Everything is real.” 

 

Minhyuk's body was shivering under his touch and he came even closer, pressing their chests together while wrapping his arms around him, longing for more contact. 

 

"Kiss me." his voice was shaking in need as if his life depended on it. He was so sensitive for any small touch Hyungwon gave him and it just felt so good, so tender without the motive of them to fuck their brains out, just being close after such a long time of separation. 

 

When Hyungwon finally kissed him, pressing his perfectly curved and warm lips on Minhyuk's it was breathtaking, like a firework, lightening the night sky up in the most beautiful colors. Minhyuk parted his lips instantly to deepen the kiss, letting his hands run down Hyungwon's slim figure, feeling his warm skin under his fingers. He let his arms curl around the other man's body, dragging Hyungwon with him on the bed he had to sleep in all alone for the past year, wrapping his legs around him to pull him even closer. 

 

"I still can’t believe it,” Minhyuk gasped against Hyungwon’s red-kissed lips, kissing him over and over again, drowning their soft moans, as it would never be enough. Just seeing him on photographs or during their video chats hadn’t been enough, even when they were getting off together. It had lacked the taste, the smell, the feeling of their naked bodies being close, sharing that deep intimacy they had developed.

 

"Me neither. It's been too long." 

 

Too long and yet so different, so _new_. 

 

Hyungwon ran his hand over Minhyuk's bare left thigh, kneading it while kissing over his neck and collarbone and that one spot behind his ear, making it damn hard to remain unaffected. It just felt unbelievably good, so affectionate as if he was the only one Hyungwon ever wanted to be with. Minhyuk softly placed a kiss on Hyungwon's head, tightened his thighs around his hips, bringing them even closer, feeling both their bodies react. 

 

"I read your book." Hyungwon traced his lips down his neck, his hand had moved up his beautiful body to his chest, where he let his thumb rub over his sweet nipple that was already hard and very responsive to his touch, making Minhyuk moan, unable to contain it. Hyungwon just loved the sounds he made. 

 

"You- You did? I didn't tell you about my pseudonym." It was the first time he heard about this and a very bad time on top because he couldn't concentrate due to Hyungwon's hands and lips on his body that were so electrifying, making it even harder to ignore their hard dicks rubbing against each other. So, this meant Hyungwon knew about their connection, knew his past and how much he meant to him - well, for the last point Hyungwon mustn't have read the book to know.

 

"Jooheon gave it to me. _Angel of the Sun_ , I really like it." His hot breath was only a harbinger before Hyungwon softly bit into Minhyuk's nub, letting his wet tongue trace over it repeatedly before sucking on it like it was the sweetest type of candy. 

 

"Oh my God-" Minhyuk arched his back, burying his fingers in Hyungwon's long black hair, that softly tickled his skin, which only clouded his mind even more. "It's my mother's name for me," he pressed out between his moans, his cheeks softly tinted in red. Even when he had been still shy, his mother had already called him by this name because she really adored his smile and seeing her son happy. And Minhyuk loved her so much, was thankful for everything she and his father had done for him that it only felt right to use this name as a pseudonym to publish his books. 

 

"But can we not talk about her right now? I’m losing my mind when you touch me." Minhyuk whispered against his lips, his fingers softly caressing over Hyungwon's cheeks, before he fiercely kissed him, unable to resist any longer when all he could think of was Hyungwon making love to him, warming him up better than any tea or warm blanket could.

  
  
“Then I’m doing everything right.” Hyungwon whispered before deepening the kiss. He was kissing him so compassionate that there was no doubt of its realness and its motive. Neither was there any space left to think about yesterday or tomorrow. All that was, was them being together in this very moment, sharing those deep and tender kisses, while their hands traced over their bodies as if they were exploring a map. A map they could read so clearly with all its secrets and hidden messages.

 

If their long-distance arrangement so far had taught them anything, then it was communicating. They had spent a lot of time getting to know each other better, learned to talk about their wishes and needs in a relationship and their sex life, how it felt good and how they could make each other feel good even more. Their sex had always been good, but a small piece had been missing, a puzzle piece lying in the dark, waiting to be discovered to complete the whole picture. It had taken a while for Hyungwon to really speak about those kinds of things but since Minhyuk was so open, never pushing him too hard when he felt uncomfortable it hadn’t taken long for him to finally talk. Besides, learning the difference between just having sex and making love to somebody was clearly an eyeopener for Hyungwon, since he had always hoped for this spark, this special _something_ that couldn’t be found with his ex-wife or any other quick encounter - but only with Minhyuk. Of course, he would talk about those topics with Hoseok but it was different since he was his best friend and Minhyuk his partner.

 

They took their time, putting all the knowledge they had developed about each other into action. Minhyuk rolled them over so he was on top of Hyungwon, kissing over his jaw and down his chest, tasting the skin he hadn’t had under his lips for so long and now he had to treasure every second of it.

 

"You're so handsome. It's like looking at the boy I fell in love with all those years ago." Minhyuk softly whispered against his lips, kissing the corner of his mouth and licking over his full upper lip, sharing his intimate thoughts openly with him. There were no walls between them, no chaos and destruction, just them being who they are, showing their vulnerability, knowing that it was okay, that it didn't mean they would break but were complete and perfectly made for each other.

  
  
“And it’s finally the right time for us to be together.” Hyungwon hummed, running his fingers through Minhyuk’s soft, blonde hair. They both looked at one another, smiling dreamily, knowing with absolute certainty that it was true, that they were ready to build their relationship on a solid and long-lasting fundament and share their lives together.

  
  
Another passionate kiss was placed on Hyungwon’s lips, followed by Minhyuk’s right hand purposefully curling around his hard dick, giving it a few strokes, which made them both moan into each other’s mouths. It was nearly overwhelming to get touched by his boyfriend again, feeling his body react in a way he could never have achieved by masturbation alone. However, Minhyuk’s dark eyes told him that it wasn’t enough, that he needed more and his shameless word only underlined this assumption. 

 

“I always imagined how your dick would look and feel like, how I could make you feel good,” Minhyuk slowly slid down Hyungwon’s body, placing soft kisses here and there on his body, until he was kneeling between his legs. He bit his bottom lip again, looking intrigued by the sensation of Hyungwon’s dick in his hand. His thumb slowly rubbing over the tip, spreading the pre-cum all over the sensitive flesh, which made his own dick twitch in anticipation. “It has just the perfect size and shape to make me scream, pushing all the right buttons inside me. I was so nervous on our first night and not prepared how mindblowing you would feel and I never felt so high in my entire life than being intimate with you.”

  
  
Whatever words Hyungwon had intended to say as a response was taken away by a moan when Minhyuk leaned down, cupping his warm lips around the tip, sucking him intently, letting his wet tongue dip inside the slit a few times before taking him all the way into his hot mouth. His hands were running over Hyungwon's hip bones and his slim thighs, feeling the quivering as an immediate response to his actions. Hyungwon's fingers buried themselves in Minhyuk's blonde hair, while he looked down, watching him sucking him off with pleasure, feeling the vibration of his quiet hummings.

 

_It feels so damn good when he's doing it and he enjoys making you feel good._

 

"Fuck, I don't know how you're doing it but it felt so mindblowing from the very beginning." Hyungwon sat up and rolled his hips upwards, letting Minhyuk feel how aroused he was, how much he wanted him and how good it felt when they were together - how fucking hard it was to keep his sanity - and not coming right on the spot like a teenager. Although, it wouldn’t have been surprising considering that he felt Minhyuk’s touch for the first time after being abstinent for so long and even if he would come now it sure wouldn’t have been the last time tonight.

  
“I want to suck you off so badly.” With a soft ‘blop’ Minhyuk had released him from his mouth but continued lazily stroking him with his hand, placing playful kisses on the tip. He looked up to the black-haired man for a moment running his free hand between his own legs, giving his own dick a few strokes as well since it got already very painful. Minhyuk wanted to hear Hyungwon moaning, feeling his hard dick twitch inside his mouth when he came.

  
  
“You’re so unbelievable.” Hyungwon sighed with a smile on his face, his right hand cupped Minhyuk’s face, thumb slowly tracing over his glistening lips, which opened willingly just to close around his thumb, nibbling on his fingertip, sucking on it like it was the real deal, without ever taking his eyes off him - only resulting in Hyungwon’s dick leaking even more pre-cum. “Go on,” he murmured in a deep voice, leaning down to place a kiss on his forehead and his lips after he withdrew his finger. “I’m going to treat you real good after that.”

  
  
Enjoying Minhyuk’s body shivering in anticipation, Hyungwon leaned back against the headboard of the bed, spreading his legs a bit further so his partner could comfortably kneel between them. Minhyuk didn’t wait any longer and deepthroated Hyungwon’s dick immediately, not leaving any room for clear thoughts or any thoughts at all that were unrelated to how good his smooth tongue felt on the underside of his erection. Hyungwon couldn’t take his eyes off him, watching how Minhyuk swallowed around his dick, running his long fingers over his stomach.

  
  
“Minhyuk, I’m so close-” He pushed the blond man’s head against his groin, feeling him relaxing his throat, breathing concentrated through his nose, swallowing every single drop of the cum Hyungwon released right down his throat.

  
  
Hyungwon let his head sink against the headboard, closing his eyes for a moment, feeling the aftermath of his orgasm Minhyuk only supported by moving his head again, licking him from the base up to his tip, softly nibbling on it before kissing his way up to Hyungwon’s lips, kissing him deeply, sharing his taste with him. Warm arms curled around Minhyuk’s slim body and he found himself lying on his back only moments later, with his boyfriend’s hands finding its way between his legs where his dick was painfully craving for attention.

  
  
It was almost scary how natural it felt, how in sync they were and especially how drawn they felt to each other as if the word _love_ only made sense with them being together.

  
  
“I missed touching you,” Hyungwon let only his fingertips brush over Minhyuk’s hot erection, a touch that was barely there but had a huge impact as his body began to quiver, while his arms searched for hold around his shoulders. “How your skin tastes under my lips,” his words hovered over his skin only as a hot summer breeze and the fact that Hyungwon was barely touching Minhyuk at all, drove the latter literally mad. It was too much, too intense and still not enough yet enough to lose his mind, running the risk of coming only with Hyungwon’s hot breath and his mere touches on his aroused body. Plump lips placed feathery kisses on his neck, nibbled softly on his pale skin, while Hyungwon’s fingers caressed over Minhyuk’s thigh, drawing small circles on it with his thumb, before he finally curling them around Minhyuk’s throbbing dick, almost making him choke on his own breath because of the intensity. “How sensitive you react when I barely touch you.” Hyungwon murmured, observing the way his boyfriend responded to his actions, could read his face like an open book.

  
  
_He’s so beautiful._

 

Minhyuk wouldn’t last long like this, Hyungwon was perfectly aware of that, and it would have been a lie to say that his own body wasn’t reacting - but this wasn’t about him, this was all about the blond man’s pleasure. Still, those small sensations had always had the biggest impact on him. His hand moved up and down Minhyuk’s straight erection, slowly with just the right amount of pressure to drive him crazy but not enough to make him orgasm just yet.

  
  
“It’s too much, fuck, Hyungwon, what are you doing to me,” Minhyuk whimpered against Hyungwon’s lips, curling his arms more around his slim frame, in disbelief that his boyfriend’s touch alone could be so much more intense than having sex. “Please make me come, please.”

  
  
“You look so fucking perfect when you’re losing it.” Hyungwon couldn’t turn down his request at this point and closed his hand tighter around Minhyuk’s hot dick, using more pressure and circling his thumb purposefully over the tip, which made the blonde moan even louder. “Come for me.” The hot words murmured in his ear was all that was needed to make Minhyuk orgasm in Hyungwon’s hand, pulling him even closer, pressing his lips greedy on its plump counterpart, ignoring that his lungs were craving for air, feeling as if he just ran a marathon.

  
  
“I need you inside me, make me feel good, Hyungwon.” Minhyuk’s eyes were as black as shimmering onyx stones, filled with desire and the insatiable greed to be close to him, feel him everywhere, wanting him to swallow him whole, to merge with him into something new. His lips looked so delicate, slightly open, ready to give in for another breathtaking kiss and Hyungwon leaned down, kissing him again, slower and more deeply this time. There was no need to rush things, not anymore. They got all the time in the world.

 

The bottle of lube was openly placed on the nightstand, probably because Minhyuk didn’t bother to put it into the drawer, next to their cups filled with cold tea neither of them cared about, which made it even easier for Hyungwon to use it now. He poured a generous amount into his hand, warmed it up a bit between his palms, before he carefully prepared Minhyuk, who had spread his legs welcoming for his long, slender fingers, opening him up, until the only thing left for Minhyuk to feel was pleasure. He knew that his boyfriend was using toys, had witnessed it through their video chats that had got a little more heated and the thought of being connected with him again sent a new wave of heat directly into his dick. Still, he was so tight, reacted so differently under his touch compared to the way when he was just getting off.

  
  
“Don’t make me wait any longer, my love.” Minhyuk couldn’t wait anymore, his hands already stroking over Hyungwon’s new erection, biting his lower lip as he paused his movements for a moment to reach out for the lube himself, just to pour it into his hand, making his partner’s dick slick and ready to finally enter him, making them whole again.

  
  
“I can’t wait any longer myself.” he sighed, his mind so clouded with bliss of just how perfect Minhyuk’s hands felt on his body, pulling his fingers back before he leaned down for another kiss. Hyungwon felt his heart beating so fast inside his chest, feeling like a boy having sex for the first time and in a way it was.

  
  
Hyungwon reached out for one of the pillows, placing it under Minhyuk’s lower back with his help, to lift him into a more comfortable position. Grabbing his own dick, he teased Minhyuk’s entrance for a moment with the firm tip before pushing inside of him, releasing a faltering exhale, while caressing over Minhyuk’s hip bones, holding him in a firm grip. He pushed forward carefully, watching his boyfriend breathing heavily under him, taking him in so willingly, releasing a moan he had held back as the last centimeters were bridged and Hyungwon’s dick was buried deep inside of him. 

  
  
“Fuck, you feel so amazing,” Minhyuk whispered, closing his eyes, placing one arm over them and letting his muscles adjust to his size, feeling Hyungwon’s soft lips placing kisses all over his chest, attacking his left nipple with his wet tongue, which only increased the arousal that took him over. The slow movements Hyungwon did help him to relax, even more, making him realize how much he had missed him, that this was real and not some kind of fantasy.

  
  
This had probably been the longest time Minhyuk hadn’t had sex, hadn’t felt the affection of another man, giving in to the temptation. There had been a few situations where interested parties had approached him at work, at the bar or just at the market, air filled with sexual tension he had wanted to give in but never did. Instead, he had told Hyungwon openly about it because even if they had been apart they had pretty much early decided to try a long-distance relationship and Minhyuk wasn’t one to cheat on his partner - especially not on his soulmate. To his surprise, Hyungwon would have had allowed him to have sex, solve the tension and his need for affection, considering that there had been no date when he would come back. Despite his allowance, Minhyuk had preferred it to wait, solving his tension by using toys and having intimate conversations with his boyfriend per video chat. 

 

So feeling him now after all this time, was just overwhelming.

  
  
“Look at me, love,” Hyungwon whispered against his lips, softly kissing them before lifting Minhyuk’s arm from his eyes. “I love you so much.” 

 

“I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you.” Minhyuk got nearly overwhelmed by his emotions and raised his hands, brushing a few loose strands behind Hyungwon’s ears, looking at his ridiculously handsome face and breathtaking smile. He slowly closed his legs around Hyungwon’s hips to pull him deeper inside, giving him permission to move. They both gasped into each other's mouths when Hyungwon began to roll his hips so smoothly, burying himself inside of Minhyuk’s body so perfectly as if he was made for it. 

 

Hyungwon loved him passionately, slowly but deeply, aiming for Minhyuk’s sweet spot, making him see all the glittery diamonds behind his eyes, making him feel how much he loved him because even the most touching poetry couldn’t begin to describe their connection, and making them both moan the sweetest symphonies. They were one, moving in tandem without even thinking about it, just acted on their pure emotions and feelings for each other. Their orgasm wasn’t the ultimate goal, but their closeness and even without the usage of magic mushrooms, time seemed to have lost its meaning and it felt like an eternity of bliss and wonders reaching the point of no return together. A climax that was out of this world, taking over their bodies like ocean waves made of colors, leaving them breathless and shaking behind.

 

They snuggled under the covers with Minhyuk’s leg immediately finding its way between Hyungwon’s, wanting to be as close as possible, with arms wrapped around each other's body, creating a complex piece of art, a snapshot of love. It felt so comfortable and warm, contrasting the cold winter day. Small ice crystals covered the window frame outside and in the silence of the upcoming night, new snow began to fall. It had gotten late and the only source of light came from the streetlamps outside but neither of them cared since it was enough to look into each other's eyes in the dark.

 

“Are you happy?” Minhyuk's question filled the comfortable silence, his voice barely audible but loud enough for Hyungwon to hear, his breath so hot on his face, since they were so close.

 

“I am.”

  
  
A whisper in the dark ending a long-lasting, draining adventure, finally answering the perennial question that had accompanied him for so long. And how couldn’t he be anything else but happy? When his heart had finally found the peace and loving home it had always been longing for.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End!
> 
> omg, thank you so much for going on this journey with me and Hyunghyuk. I can't describe how much this story means to me and not just because it was originally planned as a short one-shot, then aiming for the goal of 60k and now reached 86k so I guess this is my first novel!  
> This story wouldn't have been possible without my beloved gc members, thank you so much, guys, I love you! This is all for you! An early Christmas gift if you want ❤️
> 
> Hyungwon's character development was just crazy but at some point, it was just natural and I think we're all familiar with the feeling of being stuck at some point, not living our full potential, not even living for ourselves anymore. Finding the strength to do things differently is hard and it's always a matter of getting up more often than falling down on your knees and it's always worth it.  
> It was never meant to go that deep, especially not the story between Minhyuk and Hyungwon but I was really into the idea that their love was so patient, that those feelings just existed and didn't need any explanation even if Hyungwon tried to find one at the beginning. 
> 
> A big thank you to all my readers and the supportive comments and kudos uwu ❤️  
> let me know your thoughts about this story in the comments or here:  
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> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/shadyhon)


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